We'll start with the basics.
Calvin Harris's real name is Adam Richard Wiles. He was born in Scotland. Calvin is 31 years old.
Tom Hiddleston's real name is Thomas William Hiddleston. He was born in London, England. Tom is 35 years old.
Both probably call fries "chips."
Google says Tom Hiddleston is 6-foot-2.
Google says Calvin Harris is 6-foot-6.
Both are (abnormally) tall.
This is Calvin Harris' hairline:
This is Tom Hiddleston's hairline:
Both are natural blondes.
These are Calvin Harris' eyes:
These are Tom Hiddleston's eyes:
Both have nice eyebrows.
Calvin Harris's mother's name is Pamela.
Tom Hiddleston's mother's name is Diana Patricia.
I could not find any information about their maiden names.
Tom Hiddleston's penis' nickname is "Hiddleconda."
Calvin Harris's penis does not have an official nickname, but if it did it could be "Calvin 'n' Knobs."
Both are packing.
Related: Calvin Harris wears a size 13 shoe.
Tom Hiddleston might be a size 11.
That's pretty good, though shoe size and dick size have no known correlation :*(
This is Tom Hiddleston during his awkward phase:
This is Calvin Harris during his awkward stage:
Both are proof that there is hope for everyone.
This is Calvin Harris wearing what appears to be a toupee:
This is Tom Hiddleston wearing what appears to be a toupee.
Bad haircuts happen to everyone.
Tom Hiddleston's favorite color is blue.
Calvin Harris forgot what his favorite color is.
Both spell "color" with a "u."
Tom Hiddleston wishes he were better at Spanish. He said in an interview, "I wish I were better at Spanish. I studied it at school."
Calvin Harris does not like soft cheese.
Both follow Samuel L. Jackson on Twitter.
This is a picture of Calvin Harris from February 2009:
This is a picture of Tom Hiddleston from February 2009:
Both wish those pictures were deleted.
LASTLY (and most importantly)...
This is Tom Hiddleston's right tit:
This is Calvin Harris' right tit:
Both have nice racks.
Now that you know these two fellows, TAKE THE DAMN POLL.
CalvinVia Getty ImagesTomVia Getty Images
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Who would you rather?