A Surefire 59-Step Plan To Avoid Star Wars Spoilers
Just in case you're not seeing Star Wars: The Force Awakens this Thursday — we got your back.
1. Sleep as much as physically possible.
2. Don't even leave your bedroom if that is an option.
3. Stock up on canned food and other non-perishable items.
4. Cover the windows with blackout curtains so you don't know how much time passes.
5. Call out sick from work or use your remaining days off.
6. Catch up on all those books you never read or do a puzzle (nothing less than 20,000 pieces).
7. Don't be tempted to turn on the TV.
8. No Netflix either!
9. Take the batteries out of your remote control.
10. Okay, throw those batteries in the garbage.
11. Actually, get the batteries out of the garbage and throw them down the toilet.
12. Stay away from temptation!
13. Don't return anyone's texts.
14. Never pick up the phone.
15. In fact, don't even look at your phone.
16. Actually, turn that stupid spoiler machine off.
17. Just put it in a microwave so you're never tempted to communicate with the outside world.
18. Then immediately flush it down the toilet.
19. Okay, now your toilet might be broken so you're gonna have to get out of there.
20. First, set your out-of-office message on your e-mail.
21. Tell your family and friends that you love them, and you're okay.
22. Double check that you printed out your tickets.
23. Kiss your computer.
24. Disconnect from the internet.
25. Snap your laptop over your knee.
26. Leave your house or apartment.
27. BE CAREFUL — SPOILERS ARE EVERYWHERE.
28. Avoid eye contact with every human being you see.
29. Seriously, just stare at your feet.
30. Put your fingers in your ears and yell "Na Na Na Na."
31. DON'T EVEN DARE LOOK AT ANYONE IN THE EYE!
32. Dispose the halves of the laptop in COMPLETELY SEPARATE bodies of water — don't take any chances.
33. Make sure no one sees you — too many questions.
34. Avoid large congregations of people where you might overhear people speaking.
35. So do your best to stay away from trains, buses, restaurants, bars, malls, schools, sporting events, parks, coffee shops, water coolers, supermarkets, laundromats, office buildings, book stores, libraries, gyms, concerts, arcades, and Turkish baths.
36. In fact, try to avoid major metropolitan areas in general.
37. Actually, don't do near suburbs either.
38. Okay, go buy earplugs first.
39. Or even better, get those yellow ear protector thingys that people who direct airplanes wear.
40. Then maybe hang out at a bingo hall.
41. Actually never mind, old people are unpredictable.
42. Okay, rent a car and start driving towards somewhere with shitty internet.
43. It would be ideal if you're near Montana.
44. If you're not — that's okay — start driving towards Montana.
45. Go buy a map.
46. Learn how to use a map.
47. (If you're not in the United States I can no longer help you — god speed)
48. Never turn on the radio.
49. I REPEAT. NEVER TURN ON THAT FUCKING RADIO.
50. Okay, follow signs towards Bozeman.
51. Once you get to Bozeman ask around for a guy named Lance — you can trust him.
52. He'll want to meet you at the post office on Baxter Lane.
53. Don't ask him many questions.
54. There he'll give you the keys to an old, emerald green Dodge pick-up truck.
55. In the glove compartment there will be a hand drawn map to a cabin alongside Belt Creek, roughly 150 miles north.
56. (The river is great for fishing or kayaking in case you're interested.)
57. You can wait out the spoilers there.
58. The fridge should be stocked.
59. No need to thank me.