For the incredibly self-absorbed:
"There's no greater gift than the gift of giving, don't you agree, Lyndsay?"
For the Christmas-hating Scrooge:
"If I were you, Tom, I'd drink my morning coffee out of it all year round!"
For the pretentious literary snob:
"You'll love it, Bert. This E.L. James fella was a #1 New York Times Bestseller. Not even Shakespeare can say that!"
For the outspoken (and oversharing) lover of 50 Shades of Grey:
"Bondage? No, I don't think there's any bondage in it. Wait a minute. There's bondage of the mind. Lots and lots of bondage of the mind!"
For the humorless evangelizer:
"I figured you'd love to bring Christ to your breakfast table since you talk about him morning, noon, and night!"
For the loudmouth atheist:
"A religious film? No way! It's about a fireman. An inspirational fireman played by that kid from Growing Pains!"
For the infuriatingly impatient:
"Man, you're going to have so much fun with this stuff... So much fun in six months."
For the out-of-control party animal:
"Now don't forget, Rayne. These are only for the bath!"
For the boastful Martha Stewart wannabe:
"Now you can stop struggling with all those complicated recipes and use your microwave!"
For the kid of the most annoying parent you know:
"Don't worry about it losing power, lil' Eddie. I put nine packs of extra batteries in there. It'll be making all kinds of fun noises until the end of time!"
For the iPod-loving tech-head:
"What a haul! You're going to have to find a way to make room next to your computer for all those glorious CD boxes!"
For the biggest right-wing a-hole you know:
"I know you like to keep things 'fair and balanced,' Uncle Wayne, so enjoy!"
For the biggest left-wing a-hole you know:
"Gee, I'm sorry, Uncle Wes, I saw the word 'Democrats,' and a blonde in a black dress and figured it was right up your alley!"
For your incompetent boss:
"I thought you'd get a kick out of this since Michael Scott's a boss, and you're a boss..."
For the most rah-rah, over-the-top "patriot" you know:
"What's that? The American flag is never supposed to touch the floor? Well, that would make this rug problematic, wouldn't it?"
For the infuriatingly lazy and messy roommate:
"Now you can dust the apartment as you're lounging around all day in your robe!"
For the super macho jerk:
"You're going to love this gift certificate, Bluto! And don't you worry about this place being like the ones your wife goes to. This one give MAN-icures!"
For the mean-spirited old person:
"You always gave me incredibly practical gifts, Aunt Mildred, so now I'm returning the favor."
