Buzz·Posted on Oct 21, 201929 Funny Tweets About Marriage After The Newness Of It All Wears Off"I've been married for about 45 pounds."by Mike SpohrBuzzFeed StaffLinkFacebookPinterestTwitterMail 1. Stephanie Ortiz @Six_Pack_Mom *watching husband sleep* Me: "I just love him so much, he's my everyth-" *husband snores* Me: "I can't live like this." 04:00 AM - 28 Aug 2016 Reply Retweet Favorite 2. Jessie @mommajessiec Husband: *crying* Please don’t do this to our family. I beg you. Me: *adding another diy home improvement to my Pinterest board* 12:16 PM - 19 Aug 2019 Reply Retweet Favorite 3. James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn @XplodingUnicorn Me: I'm mad at myself, and I don't know why. Wife: Would you like some reasons? 05:34 PM - 17 Oct 2019 Reply Retweet Favorite 4. Valerie @ValeeGrrl Husband got excited thinking I was touching myself under the covers but I was actually just opening a Kit Kat I didn't wanna share. 04:28 AM - 30 Dec 2015 Reply Retweet Favorite 5. Lady Lawya @Parkerlawyer Before you marry someone: 1. Listen to them eat a bowl of cereal. 2. Ask them which side of the bed they sleep on. 3. Watch them brush their teeth. 4. Make sure you are temperature compatible. 5. Survive one cold and flu season at minimum. 06:12 PM - 28 Jul 2019 Reply Retweet Favorite 6. ThisOneSays @ThisOneSayz Marriage is reminding one about a conversation you know you had while the other swears it never happened. 05:51 PM - 07 Feb 2019 Reply Retweet Favorite 7. The Betty @BoomBoomBetty I kind of wish my spouse would get a side piece but only for talking endlessly about our home security system. 12:37 PM - 14 Aug 2019 Reply Retweet Favorite 8. keith @tchrquotes Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now. Wife: But I only... Me: EXACTLY the amount 03:35 AM - 04 Nov 2014 Reply Retweet Favorite 9. bela lugosi's beth @bourgeoisalien Nothing in life can prepare you for how much of marriage is spent just listening to someone cough. 01:01 AM - 03 May 2016 Reply Retweet Favorite 10. 👻Sarcastic Mommy👻 @sarcasticmommy4 Marriage is saying you're not mad but he says you sound like you're mad & by the end of it all you end up being mad. 10:00 PM - 22 Apr 2016 Reply Retweet Favorite 11. Simon Holland @simoncholland You may be married but you aren’t married married until you are in a home furnishings store together and you brought your own tape measure. 06:21 PM - 12 Feb 2019 Reply Retweet Favorite 12. mark @TheCatWhisprer WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn't you? ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why? 03:28 AM - 16 Nov 2016 Reply Retweet Favorite 13. Daniel Carrillo @DanielRCarrillo Marriage is just texting each other "Do we need anything from the grocery store?" a bunch of times until one of you dies. 05:24 PM - 15 Jul 2015 Reply Retweet Favorite 14. Sparky @crunchenhanced I've been married for about 45 lbs. 06:46 PM - 25 Mar 2014 Reply Retweet Favorite 15. David Hughes @david8hughes Text from wife: I'm so sorry, I'm gonna be about half an hour late Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this 03:46 PM - 06 Nov 2016 Reply Retweet Favorite 16. k e i t h 🐤🥔 @KeetPotato 90% of being married is just shouting "what" from other rooms 10:03 AM - 04 Nov 2016 Reply Retweet Favorite 17. Simon Holland @simoncholland Let's get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late. 12:26 PM - 27 Oct 2016 Reply Retweet Favorite 18. Will Rodgers @WilliamRodgers MARRIED SEXT Her: Is it in? Him: No not yet Her: Put it In now! Him: Ok it's in... Her: Ok set the timer. No one likes burnt lasagna! 06:12 PM - 23 May 2014 Reply Retweet Favorite 19. Housy Wife @wife_housy My husband can sleep through anything except me shining a tiny light briefly on the book I'm reading in bed. 03:43 AM - 06 Aug 2016 Reply Retweet Favorite 20. Jurisdoc @jurisdoc741 Wife - *talking about literally anyone* Me - *not looking up* who’s that? ~ marriage 10:04 PM - 19 Dec 2018 Reply Retweet Favorite 21. Josh @iwearaonesie me: I'm a man. I do what I want, when I- *checks phone to make sure I didn't accidentally call my wife and she can't hear me* when I want 02:45 PM - 29 Dec 2016 Reply Retweet Favorite 22. Mike Falzone @MikeFalzone Best part of being married is guilt-free double dipping. 02:13 AM - 13 Mar 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 23. Ashley Austrew @ashleyaustrew Just put on fancy socks and a night shirt with no food stains so I can try to seduce my husband later. 12:43 AM - 23 Jan 2016 Reply Retweet Favorite 24. Lurkin' Mom @LurkAtHomeMom My husband doesn't seem to realize I'm mad at him which is ridiculous because I just spent the last 20 min convincing him I'm not mad at him 01:07 AM - 06 Nov 2016 Reply Retweet Favorite 25. MumInBOO! @MumInBits Husband and I have great balance in our marriage: he removes unwanted insects from the house and I eat all the chocolate 08:00 PM - 10 Sep 2019 Reply Retweet Favorite 26. lauren robinson @laurenjoyness Marriage is essentially just having somebody who you can have regular conversations with while one or both of you are stark naked. 08:11 AM - 15 Sep 2015 Reply Retweet Favorite 27. Aunt Chelle 🌍 🇺🇸 🏳️🌈 @ravenswng_ If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that. 07:11 PM - 17 Aug 2019 Reply Retweet Favorite 28. Josh Hara @yoyoha Coffee is like marriage. First it's really hot. Then it's just right. Then it helps you get off your ass and do things. 01:30 PM - 17 Jul 2012 Reply Retweet Favorite 29. Josh @iwearaonesie wife: Do you love the dog more than- me: Yes 11:18 PM - 08 Nov 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite