Not all marriages last forever. But some marriages look like they will...and do for a long time...until they surprise everyone by falling apart.
Recently, we asked members of the BuzzFeed Community who got divorced after 20+ years of marriage to tell us their story, and they held absolutely nothing back. Here's what they had to say:
1. "My ex-husband, as I knew him, just…vanished. After 22 years of being a responsible, mature, and fun husband and father, it’s like a switch flipped. He started having affairs, racking up credit card debt, working out incessantly, disappearing for days at a time, and more. He filed for divorce while having an affair with a woman at work who was 25 years younger than we were. (She dumped him three weeks after the divorce was final.) Classic midlife crisis. He was in complete denial that he was hurting anyone. It was very sad and hard to watch."
—anonymous
2. "Coming up on 20 years of marriage and we’re separating. There is no infidelity or big event that caused it. We just poisoned the relationship from the inside out slowly. We got married very young (19 almost 20) and had a crap ton of issues thrown our way throughout. Poor communication, not following through on promises, resentment, letting our physical selves go — all of it just added up and killed the love. It’s probably the most painful thing I’ve ever had to go through, and I question it every single day. Twenty years is a long time to just walk away from."
3. "My parents got divorced after 23 years of marriage because my dad found an easy way to make money: trafficking drugs across state lines. Turns out, that’s a federal crime. We had no idea and thought he was just at work (he wasn’t at it long before the FBI shut down the whole operation). He went to prison, and my mom filed for divorce."
—anonymous
4. "My wife of 20 years told me that she was raped at a party when she was 17. I could not handle the information. I left to live elsewhere. She then divorced me after a five-year separation. (I paid a non-court-ordered support during separation, because I had older daughters living at home.) I then applied for and received a Catholic annulment of the marriage. Now, after 13 years as a single man, I just wander from one short relationship to the next. Not good for a 65-year-old man. I think I never got over the 'big lie.'"
—anonymous
5. "I was married just shy of 30 years. One day driving home from work, I asked myself... Is this what I want my life to be for the next 30? It wasn’t. I wanted more. I was tired of being told how to live my life."
—anonymous
6. "Simply, I outgrew him. He changed significantly through our marriage, from believing in a higher power when we started dating/early marriage to becoming a loud atheist telling me I was brainwashing the kids by taking them to church. I did it all in the marriage — raised the kids, took them to activities, worked, finished both a master's and PhD, shopped, cooked, and cleaned. I would ask for help and get it for a week or two and then right back to old habits. Once the kids were grown, I’d had enough and filed for divorce. He’s still convinced we’re going to get back together (after three years divorced). Nope, not gonna happen."
—anonymous
7. "We were married for 37 years and had grandchildren! We both retired, and his idea of retirement was drinking lots and lots of beer and playing poker online. My idea was to travel with our fifth wheel trailer and just get out and do stuff together. We had many disagreements about him spending so much money on beer and sitting around all day... Then he met a woman online and eventually moved in with her. I had a hard time adjusting to being all alone, but after a couple of years, I am loving it — should have happened sooner, LOL!!!"
—anonymous
8. "We were legally married for 31 years, living apart for the last two for the legal end to play out. When asked what happened, my reply would be, 'She found interests that did not include me.' Specifically, she started to have an affair with another woman. I tried to get her back for several years because we (me, actually) had our retirement planned out. After living unhappily together 'for the kids,' I asked for a divorce, again more for the kids, and my own sanity. After the Supreme Court ruling, they got married immediately. I got over it, but it took about a dozen years before I trusted a woman again. We just got married."
—anonymous
9. "After my husband fought a battle with cancer, the treatments left him with zero sex drive. Sex was a very vital part of our relationship that was greatly missed. After deciding it was time to seek out having anonymous affairs, the relationship simply fell apart. We're now divorced but still live together as good friends and have separate lives but under the same roof because of economics. The adult children don't understand the new living arrangements and have stopped socializing as much."
—anonymous
10. "We love each other very much. But our childhood traumas caused a mismatch from the beginning (anxious attachment paired with avoidant attachment). And after 17 years together, I realized I had been masking my whole life so no one would leave me — which, of course, caused its own problems. When I worked hard to take off that mask, it became evident that we were sadly incompatible. We have two kids and are currently taking our time figuring out how best to uncouple. We have been together 21 years. It's OK to let go for everyone's happiness. It doesn't feel like a failure to me, even though it's incredibly difficult and deeply sad."
—anonymous
11. "He was abusive, but after years of it, I was so defeated. It took my daughter, who was around 12, to give me what I needed to leave. She asked, 'Mom, you always told me not to stay with someone that did not respect me and was not good to me. Why do you stay with Dad?' Ouch. But it woke me up. I made a plan, and she and I got out, loaded up the car with two dogs, a cat, and our personal belongings, and moved over 2,000 miles away. Then we started the long road to healing."
12. "I was married for 25 years. When I turned 40, I felt old and unattractive, that is until a 28-year-old beautiful woman made me feel attractive and alive again. Mind you, I would have never married this woman, and had my wife not found out, I would have eventually moved on from her and her from me. But my wife could not accept that I needed this lifeline for that time and that if she had just understood how terribly I was drowning in negative emotion at the time, our marriage could have turned out even better. She chose to be bitter and mean and vindictive, and our marriage did not survive. I wanted it to but could not survive the negative emotion."
—anonymous
13. "Not me but my parents — they were together 26 years, and my mom left my dad for her professor after she went back to college to finish her second degree with the money that was supposed to pay for *my* college. Dad was so blindsided and heartbroken at first, but it’s been about six years now, he’s happier than I’ve ever seen him, and none of my mom’s kids talk to her anymore."
—anonymous
14. "One morning I took my husband’s car to work because my car had a flat. I found a hotel receipt in it, from the previous morning, which I distinctly remember because he asked me if he looked OK as he walked out the door, I thought on the way to work. Twenty-six years together, never saw it coming. Devastated me, was tough, but I’ve moved on and am much happier now than I ever was with him."
—anonymous
15. "My husband and I divorced in the late 1990s. He was a tech nerd, short, wore glasses, a bit shy with women, and absolutely obsessed with what we used to call the World Wide Web. He began to frequent 'chat rooms.' Suddenly, his inbox was filled with messages from women. This nerdy tech guy had turned into a chick magnet. This all happened as he was approaching 40. He decided that getting married in his early 20s cheated him out of his opportunity to sow wild oats. Sounds a bit like a midlife crisis."
—anonymous
16. "We had three teenagers and one income, married 25 years. I felt like we were drowning in bills. I finally realized that what I needed was to feel loved, to feel that my partner understood the struggles and worries I was sharing with her. I felt like I was going to die, chest pressure, the whole deal. Her getting a job, ANY job, would ease my worries and stress, help the whole family, and show me that she loved me, that she loved us. Finally, in one argument, she screamed in my face, 'I hate you! I'm never going back to work!'"
"That's when I knew she did not love me. There was no 'us' left. I filed for divorce and moved on with vigor and purpose. People who love one another don't stand by and watch the other drown, they jump in to save you or drown trying. Divorce showed my kids this lesson, and staying together would have only put their father in the ground at a time when they needed me most. I'm here, and I plan on staying as long as I am fortunate enough to be here."
—anonymous
17. "My mom cheated on my dad after 22 years of marriage because they never understood each other’s love languages. My dad will do and do and do, but he doesn’t usually say much. My mom needs a lot of attention, and while our cars were always fixed and running and we never had to call a handyman, it wasn’t how my mom received love. Relationships need communication and understanding, neither of which they had at the time. They’re friends now and have since moved on, so I’m happy for them, but knowing how your partner gives and receives love is a big deal."
18. "I was married for 20 years and found myself having an affair, although at the time, I didn’t really know why, probably midlife crisis. It ruined my relationship with my three children, especially my two daughters, which I have tried for over 30 years to heal to no avail; they still can’t forgive an old man, even though they had left home when the break happened. It is a grief I will take to the grave."
—anonymous
19. "Our 29-year marriage survived the first two times he cheated on me, but not the third. When I filed for divorce, he begged to make it right. The only way I could get him to understand the irreparable damage he'd done was by asking him this: 'If our daughter was in my situation and came to you for advice, would you tell her to try again?' Mic drop."
—anonymous
20. "My husband of 22 years went to a school reunion, and there were quite a few divorced ladies there… He was successful with his own business and an attractive man...he got lots of attention, and through social media he would text them and they him… It was not innocent. Lots of sexual innuendos and more meetings with his new group. He got drawn in and was secretive and just changed. He treated me differently. We had no children (it was both our second marriage), and after 18 months of seeing him slowly withdraw from me (I don't know if he did have an affair...I suspect it as I saw some of the messages), I left him. Our comfortable life we had built together was no more. Our finances were dealt with. I moved areas. So did he in the end because all those so-called, newfound friends gradually disappeared. He has huge regrets and would do anything to have me back. That was five years ago. I have moved on."
—anonymous
21. "Not me but my parents. After 19 years of marriage and two kids, they never fought one time. One day my mom came home and told my dad she wasn’t 'in love' with him anymore, and that was that. My dad and I both had suspicions of my mom cheating, but she never admitted to it. They spent the remainder of my brother's and my childhood co-parenting peacefully. Both have since remarried."
22. "Found out one year into marriage that he had an affair. Took him back. Then kept finding out about affairs and other children he had. But I kept taking him back because I thought he would change, and I loved him. After 24 years of me taking the mental abuse, my kids finally sat me down (after affair #9) and said either you leave him or we leave. I needed my kids so I filed for divorce. Horrible man and horrible divorce, but he got his karma later on."
—anonymous
23. "Wife lost all interest in sex. Not only that, but no physical contact or affection. She insisted on sleeping in separate bedrooms because she said she had chronic insomnia, but I found out later her doctor prescribed medication for her that solved the sleeplessness — she just didn’t want to sleep in the same bed with me. After two and a half years without sex of any kind, I decided I wasn’t willing to live the rest of my life that way and bailed. I’m in another relationship with a wonderful woman, but honestly, I still miss her sometimes."
—anonymous
24. "After 25 years of marriage and taking care of everyone else (kids, then aging parents), I thought at some point my husband would start putting our (run-down) home, our relationship, and/or me closer to the top of his priority list. But after two long, miserable years of hoping (praying, begging) that he start treating 'us' as a priority, I realized that, sadly, he is unwilling or unable to do so. If my partner is not going to have my back and make me a priority, why be married? I’ve called a lawyer and told the kids. I’m done. Finally. And strangely, as sad and disappointing as it is, I feel better now that I have chosen to put myself first. ❤️"
—anonymous
25. "I left him after 32 years together. Gradually, he became more selfish and arrogant. He stopped caring about my happiness. When I told him I wasn't happy, he shrugged and said with a smirk, 'What are you gonna do, LEAVE? Ha.' So I did. It's been five years, and I haven't missed him for even a second. It's better to be alone than be with someone who makes you feel alone."
—anonymous
26. "My dad cheated throughout his 26-year marriage to my mum. We only found out due to COVID restrictions when he flew home and it was a procedure to stay in a hotel for a week. My mum wanted to stay with him, but we found out he wasn't alone in quarantine. We also found out about his many other relationships, so my mum left him in 2020 and has been going through a difficult divorce ever since."
27. And finally: "I got married one month after I graduated high school, and we had a really fun first 10 years. But after a while, we got lost in the grind and became more distant and would disagree more often than not. Neither of us were growing in life, and we had just basically become roommates with kids. After my mom died unexpectedly, everything became very acute as to how short life is and understanding your life purposes."
"I grieved heavily when I lost my mom, and at first our marriage rallied, but then he got impatient with my sadness. There were other things. But I really did realize that we could part as friends at 25 years, or we could spend another 25 years sharpening are claws on each other and really hurting each other deeply. And I didn’t want that.
I remember in my grief asking my nearly adult daughters if there was anything in our marriage that they would want in their own future marriages, and they both said no without hesitating. So I knew I needed to finally end it.
I don’t have any regrets about any of it. I had a very successful 25-year marriage, and I am enjoying a successful divorce. We get along fine. We’re both better off as friends."
Some entries have been edited for length or clarity.