1.
Dr: I was going to ask if you were sexually active but- Me [wearing hot dog costume]: but what
2.
Here is a list of things that are invisible: 1) 2) 3) 4) 5) 6)
3.
Kool Aid Man's kids probably never felt safe when they were masturbating.
4.
[being interviewed after losing beatboxing battle] were you just saying "p-p-p-pulled pork sandwiches" over and over?
5.
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
6.
6 minutes after walking into Sephora
7.
me: i mean seriously guys, what idiot gets killed by an astroid crowd: [laughing] dinosaurs in crowd: wow fuck this guy
8.
[hiding in pantry from murderer] [quietly tries to open bag of chips]
9.
Instead of donating my body to science, I'll donate it to whoever has the best idea for a practical joke involving a dead body.
10.
I like the phrase "I wasn't born yesterday" because it emphasizes the fact that babies are stupid.
11.
Dentist- "You have to wear a mouth guard because you grind too hard." Me- "On the dance floor?" Dentist- "No. What are you talking about?"
12.
[Cop arresting a centipede] *clink* *clink* *clink* *clink* *clink* *opens crate of new handcuffs* *clink* *clink* *clin
13.
which is why i begin my sentences in the middle
14.
big bird was obviously just a man in a suit. but the other ones were too small to contain men. so what the fuck
15.
Rejected Disney Movie Titles: 1) Find My Fish Son 2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs 3) Peter Pot 4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face 5) It's Cold
16.
Interviewer: "Are you good at making snap decisions?" *20 minutes later* Me: "No."
17.
*texting* sister: grandma passed away.. me: sadface.gif me: did that load
18.
My Ex works in a pharmacy,so whenever i want to spoil her mood I wil just go there and buy condom for no reason sometimes i go 3 times a day
19.
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
20.
WOLVERINE'S DAD: Son do you know why I named you Wolverine WOLVERINE: No, father WOLVERINE'S DAD: It is because my name is Wolverine's Dad
21.
I don't know why we have three different pig emojis but it's great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching: 🐖 🐷 🐽