Hi, everyone! This is Keely, one of my co-workers here at BuzzFeed.
Keely is very funny, but — how do I say this without being rude — she is just a scosh awkward. (And by "scosh" I mean mass quantities of awkwardness). How awkward? Well, let's let her show you herself, shall we?
1. As I can attest to, she is awkward at work:
i have finally done it, i have unplugged my headphones from my work computer & accidentally blasted the titanic soundtrack at full volume
2. In fact, it's kind of amazing she got hired in the first place:
interviewer: what's your biggest weakness? me: well i'm not great at reading social cues i: hahaha m: the fuck are you laughing at?
3. She's also awkward around babies:
my friend handed me her baby & my first thought was "strange burrito"
4. And, uh, pancakes:
find someone who looks at you the way i look at other peoples' pancakes in restaurants
5. It's not just pancakes, TBH. You probably shouldn't accompany her to a restaurant:
me: can i lick the beaters restaurant chef: ma'am how did you get back here
6. You probably shouldn't invite her to your wedding either:
priest: speak now or forever hold your peace me: *clears throat* bride: groom: me: die hard is a christmas movie
7. Flirting is, um, not her strong suit:
me flirting: so here’s why what you just said was grammatically incorrect
8. Like, at all:
me, flirting: ur an idiot
9. Basically, she is very not good at it:
flirted with a boy today, went well until i called him a "tricksy hobbit" & he didn't get it so i tried saying it again in a gollum voice
10. But when she does go on a date she is MUCH better. JK, LOL:
my date said “there are a lot of croutons in this salad” & i shouted “would you say there’s a crouTON of them” & he just kept chewing
11. As you can imagine, she's had her share of missed connections:
missed connection: we accidentally made eye contact as i took my bra off in my car & you mouthed "sorry"
12. I'm told they all remain in the "missed" category:
missed connection: i was eating a cupcake alone in my car, you walked by and gave me a thumbs up
13. Basically, this whole dating might not be for her:
me: *looks longingly toward the horizon* horizon: sorry i have a girlfriend
14. Unfortunately, she's also awkward when making friends:
"that boy thinks you're hot" me: ok "that girl wants to be your friend" me: how do i look, is my lipstick ok, fix my hair omg
15. And when interacting with casual acquaintances:
casual acquaintance: hi me, accidentally screaming: OH HIII
16. She even struggles when walking down the street:
walking down the street, remembered something embarrassing i did 2 years ago, said UGH so loudly i scared the man walking 10 ft ahead of me
17. OK, so she's awkward IRL. But how is she on social media? Well:
2015: i don't like to talk about politics 2017: i have DMed the cowardly twitter egg, our discourse continues
18. But you know what? Despite it all, she never gives up:
*into megaphone* I AM REALLY TRYING
19. And that's commendable — even though she's probably going to go out the way she came in:
priest @ my funeral: and now for her final wish... organist: *reluctantly plays entire 'cantina band' song from star wars*