1. "As we returned from the restroom, my 4-year-old announced to the entire restaurant that I did a good job wiping my 'fagina.'"
2. "When I was 4, I decided that the display toilets at Home Depot were real toilets. My poor mom."
3. "I was pulled over for speeding. When the cop came up to my window, my 5-year-old son looked him in the eyes and sang, 'Bad boys, bad boys/Whatcha gonna do?'"
4. “At our local pet shop my 3-year-old couldn’t see up into a fish tank, so she climbed atop an empty fish tank to get a better view — and broke not only the empty fish tank she was stepping on but the full fish tank above.”
5. "We used airline miles to upgrade our tickets to first class. After we boarded the airplane, my son yelled, 'We're first class, you're second class!' as the coach passengers went by."
6. "We were at a really nice Greek restaurant when my 6-year-old daughter scooted over to a sculpture of a Greek God, touched its nether regions, and hollered, 'Daddy, look! A penis!'"
7. "My son's father works at a grocery store chain, so anytime we go to one of their stores and my son sees a man in the same uniform, he screams out, 'Dada!' I always have to tell him, 'That's not your dada.' The workers give me lots of strange looks."
8. "In a quiet store, my 4-year-old shouted that the man next to us was going to go to heaven soon because he was very old and his face was all 'moldy.'"
9. "My mom told me that when I was younger I'd go sit with random people and start eating their bread if our table didn't have any yet."
10. "I was flying with my 3-year-old son to San Francisco when the plane had a rough landing. Everyone was silent — sort of in shock — except my toddler who screamed, 'What the fuck? That driver is driving like a crazy person!'"
11. "My stepdaughter loudly asked in public why I wear little tiny panties (thongs) and her other mom wears big panties!"
12. "At the grocery store my 3-year-old asked for a cantaloupe. When I told him to wait a minute he yelled, 'Get me the cantaloupe, bastard!' Everyone turned to stare like I was a horrible parent."
13. "She was so mortified we made her out to look like a crazy alcoholic who chose booze over her kids.”
14. “My mother's favorite story to tell: When I was three I saw a pregnant woman and asked her, 'Did you know that your baby will fall out of your vagina?'”
15. "I'd repeatedly told my 5-year-old NOT to stick her hand in the ostrich cage. About five minutes later, I heard her scream. The ostrich had bit her hand. I got so many dirty looks from other parents."
16. My 3-year-old daughter and I were waiting for boba drinks when this lady came in wearing super-tight, semi-sheer leggings. My daughter yelled, "MOM I CAN SEE HER BUTT. EW CACA BUTT. HEY, LADY, PUT YOUR BUTT AWAY!"
17. "I took my 15-month-old son to the grocery store where a sweet old lady told him how cute he was. His response? He reached into his diaper and handed her a fresh turd.”
18. "We were driving through our new neighborhood when we noticed EMTs bringing our elderly neighbor out of her home on a stretcher. My daughter leaned out the window and yelled, "IS SHE DEAD?!?! SHE LOOKS DEAD!! YOU GUYS BETTER HURRY BECAUSE YOU DON'T GOT MUCH TIME!!!"
Note: Some submissions have been edited for length and/or clarity.