17 Things Parents Would Only Admit To Doing Under Oath
Yes, you're weird. But you're not alone.
1. You've pretended you didn’t smell the stank coming off your kid's dirty diaper to avoid having to change it.
You and your partner were trying to outlast each other, basically.
2. Poked your sleeping kid to make sure they were still breathing.
3. "Lost" one of your kid's especially annoying toys.
4. Used your kid to get out of having to do something.
5. Ordered your toddler food at a restaurant just so you could get a little mac 'n' cheese.
Would your toddler have been fine just grazing off your plate? Of course! But that way isn't nearly as fun...for you.
6. Tried breastmilk because you wanted to see what it tastes like.
7. Passed gas and blamed it on your kid.
8. Looked back at photos of your newborn years later and thought, “Huh, they weren’t nearly as cute as I remember."
Hey, your kid is definitely cute. Now. But in those first photos — minutes fresh from having been crammed in an amniotic sac for nine months — they were still coming into their own.
9. Been so tired after a long day that you slept on the couch instead of going to bed.
Or at least didn’t stumble back to bed until, like, 4 a.m.
10. Found your kid in their crib with poop EVERYWHERE.
It was like a poop bomb went off.
11. Lied to your babysitter about your kid's bedtime.
“Her bedtime? It’s, uh, 7:30 like a normal kid her age. But tonight it’s OK if she stays up until 8. Or even 9. Yeah.”
12. Told your kid they needed to hurry to get ready for school because you let them sleep in a little — when, in reality, you overslept yourself.
13. Made up some B.S. excuse when you forgot to perform your "tooth fairy duties" or to move the Elf on the Shelf.
Oops.
14. Stalked, er, investigated the parents of your kid's friends on social media.
15. Lightly traumatized your kid by showing them one of your favorite movies before they were ready.
You at the start: “Kiddo, you’re going to love Ghostbusters!”
You, a little later: “Shit! I forgot about the scene where the ghost gives Dan Aykroyd a blow job! Where’s the remote?”
16. Told your kid the fancy chocolates you were eating had alcohol in them so you didn't have to share.
17. And lifted your baby overhead only to have them drool or — GASP! — spit up directly into your mouth.
