In a parkVia ThinkstockOn the beachVia ThinkstockIn an officeVia ThinkstockIn a bedVia ThinkstockIn an plane bathroomVia ThinkstockIn a showerVia ThinkstockIn a poolVia ThinkstockOn a couchVia ThinkstockIn a carVia Thinkstock
We Can Guess How You’ll Die With One Question About Sex
You sensibly decided to get jiggy in the comfort of your own bed. You lit some candles to set the mood, and passionately threw your decorative throw cushions on the floor. You were so into your partner, and all your sensual love-making, that you totally missed the fact your silver rectangle sequin cushion, the really scratchy one that you kinda actually hate, knocked over some candles and set the room alight. It was heating up in your bedroom, indeed!
You and bae had the pool all to yourselves. You knew no one would come down for a swim at 2am, so you got down to business. Halfway through, you heard the pool doors open and jumped out of the pool to grab some clothes. On the way out, you cut your hand on the rusty edge of the pool ladder. It was nothing, a little embarrassing at most, but a few weeks later the cut you forgot about developed into a nasty infection. It was flu season. Your immune system was really weak. You just couldn't recover. Now, that was a way to really make a splash out of your last sexual adventure, wasn't it?
You and your colleague had been getting closer and closer as you started working late nights in the lead up to your big project. So the Friday before the big presentation, you decided to play a round of strip poker with shots. Unfortunately for you, it was winter and the office heating was broken. Piece by piece, glove by glove, you managed to eventually get down to your birthday suits, and down to business, you know, of the sexual kind. Turns out your body can't really stomach 50 shots, and that you should've probably set some better ground rules about what constitutes a piece of clothing. I mean, hey, they say alcohol warms the body, so at least you had the right kind of logic.
You and your lover decided to have a quiet night in, so you got into your PJs and snuggled up on the couch. Then the mood struck. You connected your TV to your laptop and streamed some porn. It was getting hot and heavy, then the laptop unexpectedly disconnected. You rushed over and fiddled with the cords at the back of the TV, and in your rage pulled one of the cords a little too hard. This caused the TV to fall on top of you and crush you. Maybe you should've listened to mumma when she said not to sit too close to the TV, hey?
It was always a fantasy of yours to find a secluded little beach to go skinny dipping and have a cheeky sex sesh with your partner. Your dreams came true and it was perfect, no one caught you... well at least until the next morning, when the ambulance was called to tend to your pale, hypothermic bodies. You were so content with yourself that you fell asleep on the beach. Nude. It reached -6'C at 3am. But look, at least you fulfilled your fantasy before kicking the (sand castle) bucket, hey?
You told your lover that you wanted to do something a little kinky, a little out of the norm for you. So you suggested showering together, you know, to get clean but even dirtier at the same time. It was going great, they put shampoo on your hair and massaged your head. You turned for a kiss and the shampoo got in your really sensitive eyes. You freaked the fuck out in your temporarily blind state, slipped on the water and hit your neck on the shower seat. Who knew cleanliness would be your demise? I bet you didn't expect it to get that steamy.
It was a beautiful night, and your boo suggested a cheeky drive to your local lake. The mood was right, the coast was clear, so you and your boo hopped into the backseat of your car real quick. Almost too quick. In the midst of all the action, your knee bumped the handbrake. Y'all didn't notice because you'd already fogged up the windscreen, and the sound of R. Kelly's "Bump N' Grind" drowned out the sound of the car hitting the road bumps. Unfortunately, you bumped and grinded right into those pesky bridge barricades, and you toppled right into the lake. Getting wet was a real understatement.
You know how it goes. You were on a long-haul flight, but as per usual, your loins had no sense of time or place, so you and your bae hopped into that tiny bathroom in a hot second. All was good, but you were so wrapped up in your above-the-clouds rendezvous that you didn't notice the "fasten your seatbelt" sign flashing, and the turbulence caught you off guard. You hit your head real hard, and you didn't recover. It truly was a real wild ride.
You and your boo were walking through your local park one day and noticed that a particular park bench was the perfect size and height for a little "you know what". So you decided to return that night when no one was around and engage in some late-night shenanigans. It was great until your partner went silent and you looked up and saw a dog growling at you. Then you noticed that it was foaming at the mouth, and that it really is quite hard to run when you're naked and shoeless. The rabid dog didn't like the fact you were on its turf, and all it took was one bite. Damn, it's a dog-eat-dog world out there, ain't it?