1. How much does a hipster weigh? An Instagram.
2. Why couldn't the skeleton share the bad news? He didn’t have the heart.
3. Heterosexual Person: *Murders somebody and goes to hell* Satan: Damned straight!
4. I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
5. How to defeat your enemies: Chop off their feet.
6. Deja-moo: The feeling that you’ve heard this bull before.
7. Are cats empathetic because they’re feel-ines?
8. Her: I'm leaving you. Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns? Her: Yah. Me: But Aeneid you.
10. A hand-stitched, talking bear trying to fit in with society. And his name is Seams Legit.
12. What do you call a poem that’s an ode to your arms and legs? A limerick.
14. You know what’d be hilarious? If someone was a world-class thief and their alias was Robin Banks.
Joke via Tumblr.
16. I’m emotionally constipated. I haven’t given in a shit for years.
17. Can I Slytherin to your Chamber of Secrets? Nice try, but my Gryffindor isn’t opening.
18. What does a Trap Queen eat after a long day? Fettyccine Alfredo.
19. What did the skull say to the bone protecting the spinal cord? I’ll keep you safe, vertebae.
20. How much sex do Catholic priests get? Nun at all.
21. What do stoners have on their beds? Kushions!
