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6 Politician-Themed Cocktails That'll Get You Drunk On Election Night

We're probably fucked either way, so why not get fucked on the way!

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It feels like we've been enduring this election for 900 years, so to ease the pain of what has been... honestly just the worst time, here are six very simple election-themed cocktails to get you through the final days!

Note: due to the government's crackdown on drugs, none of our drinks are served on ice.

1. Malcolm Turnbull's "Mr Harbourside Mansion Iced Tea"

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As the old saying goes: Malcolm Turnbull has a lot of money. So why not celebrate the PM "living within his means" by making a classic take on the ol' long island iced tea.

Method: In a tall glass, add the most expensive brands of vodka, white rum, tequila, gin, and triple sec you can find. Top with a pricey bottle of organic cola, and add lemon to garnish.

2. Bill Shorten's "Zinger"

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Bill Shorten is king of the zinger. And no, we're not talking about the delicious KFC burger, we're talking about a well-crafted, overly-scripted dig at his opposition, so we decided to make something short-n-zingy! Get it? His last name is Shorten... and it's a short drink... Ahh, you can't win 'em all.

Method: Fill two thirds of a shot glass with bourbon and top that with some limoncello. Using the rind of a lemon, rim the shot glass to get an extra citrusy zing!


3. Greg Hunt's "'Blue' Lagoon"

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Minister for the Environment, Greg Hunt, has had a tough few months having to fight off famous forgetful fish because, unfortunately, the Great Barrier Reef is in the midst of the worst coral bleaching crisis in history.

So we made Greg a bit of a spin on the classic blue lagoon, except instead of adding blue curaçao to give the drink its signature colouring, we doubled up on vodka to get that bleach-chic cocktail look.

Method: Add vodka, then more vodka to a chilled glass. Top with some lemonade and garnish with orange rind for the last remaining splash of colour.

4. Jacqui Lambie's "Jacqui Slambie"

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Jacqui Lambie is arguably one of the most interesting Australian politicians. She's got passion, she's got pop, and she packs a punch. So we decided she deserved a truly Aussie take on the tequila slammer royale.

Method: Pour a shot of tequila into a glass and top with a hearty amount of Passion Pop. This drink gets its name from the mixing technique: Place your hand or a napkin over the glass and slam it onto a table (not too hard, dickhead) and throw it back!

5. Tanya Plibersek's "Tanya Triple Sec"

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Look. Plibersek sounds like triple sec. She seems cool and I was running out of puns. Don't @ me.

Method: Into a chilled glass, pour your vodka, triple sec, and lemon juice. Add lemonade last to mix everything together. Garnish with a slice of lemon and enjoy!

6. Peter Dutton's "On Water-Melon Matters"

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As we all know by now, Peter Dutton won't discuss "on water matters", but maybe he'll discuss this damn delicious cocktail we made him!

Infusion: This recipe calls for a quick vodka infusion. That basically means you're going to shove some shit in a vodka bottle, and it'll imbue the flavours into the alcohol! We used one lime and approximately 20 mint leaves for a 700mL bottle of vodka. The easiest way to do this is to pour some of the vodka into a container to make room, chuck your mint and lime into the bottle, and top the bottle back up to the brim, sealing it tight!

Method: In a giant glass/fishbowl/bucket, muddle (smash) some watermelon in the bottom to release the juice. Add whole chunks of watermelon on top of that, and then free-pour as much of the vodka infusion into your glass as you desire. Top with lemonade for sweetness, and add mint and lime to garnish!