back to top

23 Hacks That Will Help You Survive A Horror Film

NO WE SHOULDN'T SPLIT UP, JOCK CHARACTER.

Posted on

Horror movies are a great way to ruin your underpants, but we're getting a little tired of movie characters making terrible decisions.

Miramax Films

Here's our list of horror movie hacks to get you through to the end credits.

1. Call the cops.

BBC

Literally just call the cops??? Stop trying to handle everything yourself. Are the cops acting suspicious? Start a fire! Order food to be delivered to your house. Just get literally everyone to your house. SOMEONE will help you.

2. If you find your front door ajar, don't go the fuck inside to check it out. Call literally everyone you know and have a party on your front lawn.

Bryanston Pictures

The murderer hiding in your house will probably smell hummus, get hungry and decide to join in the fun.

3. DON'T GO UPSTAIRS.

Warner Bros.

If you go upstairs you will be trapped upstairs and you'll probably have to jump out a window. Stay away from the stairs.

4. If you think someone is in your cupboard, DON'T CHECK.

I.N.D.I.E.F.

LEAVE THE ROOM. SET THE ROOM ON FIRE. WHO CARES, JUST GO.

5. If you walk into your bedroom and your window is open and your curtains are flappin' in the wind, DON'T GO IN.

Momentum Pictures

Just leave. There is nothing good in there. Go get a drive-thru burger, see a movie, burn your house down.

6. Don't live alone.

20th Century Fox

Get 100 roommates. Get 100 cats. Just don't live in a secluded cabin in a forest.

7. If your friends find a book written in some ancient language, DON'T READ IT OUT LOUD.

Lionsgate

Put the book down... in a fire preferably.

8. If you can hear someone whispering your name from an old dilapidated mansion, tell that mansion to fuck right off.

Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer

That's a haunted-ass mansion.

9. Is one of your friends missing? DON'T GO LOOKING FOR THEM IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT.

giphy.com

THAT'S WHEN MURDERS HAPPEN.

10. Get a damn portable phone charger.

Disney Channel

It's 2015, they cost like $12 and you shouldn't have a dead phone. How you gonna take a selfie in an abandoned asylum with a dead phone, dickhead.

11. And stop going on vacation to places with no phone signal.

TLC

IT'S 2015. WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO WITH NO WI-FI? TALK TO EACH OTHER? YUCK.

12. Don't fuck anyone in an abandoned cabin/asylum/mansion/woods.

Warner Bros.

Get your fuck on literally ANYWHERE you like, but is it midnight and you're near a creepy old house? DON'T FUCK. THAT'S ASKING FOR MURDER.

13. Really though, just stop fucking.

Warner Bros.

LIKE CAN YOU PUT IT AWAY FOR FIVE WHOLE MINUTES UNITL ALL THE MURDER HAS STOPPED? WHY ARE YOU SO HORNY WHEN ALL YOUR FRIENDS ARE DEAD? THAT'S FUCKED UP???

14. Also, if your lover wants to get freaky in the woods, they are either a murderer or will be murdered.

FX

There are literally millions of other places to get your freak on. Stop doing it in the woods.

15. Seriously just stop going to the woods.

Sony Pictures Classics

It smells like nature out there and murderers love hiding behind trees.

16. If you are experiencing paranormal activity in your house: move.

Paramount Pictures

FUCK THAT HOUSE. GET OUT.

17. And don't you dare set-up a camcorder in there.

Paramount Pictures

The only thing you will record are ghosts and your sad ass standing in front of the fridge trying to decide what to eat at 2 a.m.

18. Porcelain dolls are never not creepy.

ABC

NO OFFENSE? BUT HONESTLY YUCK AND FUCK OFF.

19. Don't watch creepy VHS tapes.

Universal Pictures

Who even owns a VHS player anymore? No. That tape is haunted and a girl with hair in her face is gonna fuck you up.

20. Try to be the second sexiest person in your squad.

Fox

Sexiest friend = definite murder victim. Second sexiest = meh should be OK.

21. If your car breaks down - call your insurance company. Don't go wandering around unsealed roads to look for a secluded house.

Momentum Pictures

ALSO GET YOUR CAR SERVICED BEFORE YOU GO ON A ROAD TRIP?!

22. If an old person tries to tell you not to go somewhere because of evil, LISTEN TO THEM?

ABC

"Thanks for the heads-up, old lady. I guess I WON'T go up to that abandoned shack with no phone service. I'll just stay here and maybe buy a magazine, do some online shopping... continue living, and that sort of thing."

23. Also. Clowns = nah.

giphy.com

Just. Nah.