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    Posted on 30 Oct 2015

    21 Foolproof Ways To Look Busy At Work

    "I'd love to help with that but I have to print off all these emails."

    by ,

    1. Have a fucking filthy desk.

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    The more shit on your desk, the more people will think, Wow, she looks busy. Better not disturb her and her filthy fucking desk.

    2. Check your watch heaps.

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    Stare intently at your watch with a furrowed brow, for around 30 seconds at a time. It doesn't waste much time, but it's a great delaying tactic.

    3. Walk really fast everywhere.

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    Are you going to the bathroom? Walk super fast. Just going to get a burrito? Do it at a half sprint so people think you're off to an important meeting.

    4. Put Post-it Notes all over your office.

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    Post-it Notes are great for looking busy. Stick them up on your wall, take them down, scribble on them frantically, stare at them intently. The options are limitless.

    5. Eat lunch at your desk.

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    "Is Helen eating lunch at her desk again? Wow, she's always so busy!"

    Nah, bitch, Helen is watching YouTube videos and living her best life.

    6. Use a landline.

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    Landlines are distinctly more professional than using your iPhone, so people won’t even question if you’re just on hold to your electricity company...until you start swearing at them, that is.

    7. Make excited exclamations.

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    Say something like “AHA!” triumphantly and raise a fist. It sounds like you just closed a deal but really you just had the highest bid on eBay for that antique horse dressed like old presidents. You did it!

    8. Hold everything you own.

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    Grab a pile of books, juggle your coffee, and take a phone call. When you walk past your co-workers, say things like, “Well, that doesn’t sound like it’s going to plan” or “Let’s meet up ASAP to reassess this further.” They’ll think you’re on a business call but you’re really just planning Saturday night.

    9. Look exasperated.

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    "Oh god, Stacey's hair is sticking up again and she's sighing loudly, things must not be going well."

    In fact, Stacey finally just finished watching Game of Thrones and can't believe THAT character is dead.

    10. DON'T SMILE.

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    This is Declan. He got sprung watching Netflix and his big dirty grin gave him away. Declan nearly got fired.

    11. Look like this instead.

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    Much better, Declan.

    12. Spike your smoothies.

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    Pretend you’re enjoying a soothing morning smoothie. No one has to know it’s half vodka.

    13. Wear headphones.

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    People will think you’re trying to concentrate, when really you’re just listening to the Ultimate Emo Break-Up playlist.

    14. Take joyrides.

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    Take a bunch of elevator trips. Nestle your new Jodi Picoult book in with your “work” “files”.

    15. Print out copious amounts of important "documents".

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    Print your emails. Print your fanfic. Print menus for the Thai place you're ordering dinner from later. Who cares. Hang around that printer looking like you NEED your print-outs.

    16. Take one actual business call a day and be loud as hell.

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    Be as loud as you fucking can. Sit on a co-worker's desk if you want, but shout that actual business to the heavens. Everyone will be like, "Did you hear Judy on that business call? Damn, she does business loudly."

    17. Never underestimate the power of a good highlighter.

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    You might be highlighting the cheapest bars to go for drinks on Friday night, but people will assume it’s just the latest account numbers.

    18. Always poop at work.

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    Get in the office, make yourself a strong coffee, and unload that dump truck. Take your time — bowel health is important.

    19. Massage your temples.

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    People will think you’re stressed or thinking or meditating or some shit and leave you be. Really you’re just resting your eyes or dreaming about pizza.

    20. Get a kid.

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    Seriously, everyone looks so busy when they have a kid. It doesn't even need to be your kid, just grab one and look frazzled. No one will ask you for anything if you're holding a screaming baby.

    21. Tell everyone how busy you are.

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    If you start every conversation with, "I'm just so busy at the moment!" people will have to believe you.

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