1. That one friend who always insists on splitting the bill proportionally because all they had was a side salad and soup and they don't want to be rude or anything, but like, they're not gonna pay extra because everybody else got a full meal and Susan got, like, an entire roasted chicken that was $35, so I definitely don't owe as much as her. Susan should pay more. I mean, she got a side salad and soup anyway. She basically got a full meal in addition to what I got. I'm not gonna split the bill evenly.
2. That one friend who's rich but tries to pretend like they're not rich, even though we all know they got money.
3. That one friend who decided to do a juice cleanse for a week and that's all he talked about. It was just juice cleanse, juice cleanse, juice cleanse. And then he started complaining about how hungry he was all the time, but also, how renewed and fresh and energized he felt. Then he collapsed at an Olive Garden because he refused to eat anything even though he'd been shaking for like an hour and a half.
4. That one friend who talks throughout the entire movie, and you try to subtly stop them by stuffing popcorn directly into their open mouths during a loud part, but they just don't stop. They keep talking until you have to be like, "BITCH. I AM TRYING TO ENJOY A FILM."
5. That one friend who loves Harry Potter too much and always sorts strangers into houses.
6. That one friend who has to pee every 10 seconds and you have to explain to them that their behavior is medically concerning because no human with a normal-sized bladder should be urinating at this frequency.
7. That one friend who always cancels plans even though you know he's just going home to make out with his cat.
8. That one friend who doesn't enjoy any food that everybody else enjoys, like how do you not like macaroni and cheese? Who hurt you as a child that caused you to turn your back on macaroni and cheese? That's like saying, "Oh, I don't like waffles or pancakes or joy or love."
9. That one friend who is still not over her horse phase, even though she tries to hide it.
10. That one friend who is suddenly vegetarian even though last week she was knee deep in a pan of bacon. What changed, Karen? WHAT CHANGED?
11. That one friend who maybe likes superheroes too much.
12. That one friend who definitely hasn't showered in a few days, but what are you gonna say? "I know you haven't showered because I smell tuna and I'm almost positive we haven't eaten tuna for three days." You can't just say that. You can't just come out of nowhere and say that.
13. That one friend who is probably an alcoholic because he goes out for drinks at least six days a week, and he always jokes about how he's "becoming an alcoholic" to try to cover up the fact that he is actually probably becoming one for real.
14. That one friend who always exaggerates stories, like, I know you didn't steal three dozen eggs from the grocery store. You paid for them like every other respectable customer. I don't even understand why you would make something like this up? Who are you trying to impress by saying you stole three dozen eggs? It doesn't make sense, is what I'm trying to tell you.
15. That one friend who gets too excited about Christmas and insists that everybody care as much as she does even though it's not even Halloween yet.
16. That one friend who lets her dog straight up lick her in the mouth. Like, open, gaping mouth-to-mouth contact with her dog.
17. That one friend who is a germaphobe to the point that he doesn't even want to give you a hug when you guys say good-bye. Also he won't finish your food when you can't finish it. Like, just eat it. It's free food. I know you want it but you're not gonna eat it just because my mouth touched the fork.
18. That one friend who always does weird things like hide in your closet while you're not there because he thinks it'll be funny but then you come back and you're like, "I know you're in there and this isn't the first time this has happened and I'm starting to think it's because you're in love with me and you're hiding in there because you want to catch me off guard and pop out while I'm naked or something."
19. That one friend who's way too comfortable talking about his masturbation habits.
20. That one friend who's a little too interested in Taylor Swift. Like, we get it. You like her. She's great. She had that song that I liked, and I understand. But come on. There's a limit.
21. That one friend who's always posting about her eating habits, like, nobody cares that you had a grapefruit for breakfast. I can guarantee you that not one single person on this planet cares that you consumed a grapefruit for breakfast.
22. That one friend who thinks he can speak fluent Spanish when he's drunk.
23. That one friend who always insists on sleeping over at your house and they leave all their stuff there and you're pretty sure they're using your good shampoo in the morning and you don't wanna make a big deal out of it, but that was expensive shampoo, it's supposed to do something fancy like reinforce my roots. And now it's almost gone.
24. That one friend who's always pretending like he knows about politics, even though everybody knows all he does is watch The Daily Show.
25. That one friend who has really strong opinions about nonsense, and gets irrationally angry when anybody brings up something he supposedly "believes in" like why strawberries are the only fruit whose seeds are on the outside. NOBODY CARES BUT YOU, CARL.
26. That one friend who's always obnoxious in public because she's trying to make a statement about how ridiculous social norms are, but it's like, you can't just scream "COCKSUCKER" in a grocery store, there are children here. That child has a hearing aid in, and his hearing aid just amplified the word "COCKSUCKER" because you were trying to make a point. Can you just calm down? Can you just fucking calm down for one second of your life?
27. That one friend who's probably gay and you love them no matter what but they are gay as hell and you're always dropping hints that nothing will change if they come out but they're not taking the bait so then it's super awkward.
28. That one friend who always gets way too drunk when you go out, and it's just like, how is this happening again? We've talked to her maybe five or six times about this. It's fine if it happens a couple times, I mean, we've all been there. But there's a limit. There's a limit to how many cab drivers I have to apologize to because she threw up in the backseat again. I can't take it. I can't take this anymore.
29. That one friend who thinks he looks good in a leather jacket, and you just don't have the heart to tell him that he can't make it work. There's, like, three people in the world who can truly pull of a leather jacket and two of them died in the 1950s.
30. That one friend who's always licking everybody for some reason.
31. And that one friend who knows they can be as annoying and obnoxious as they want because you're basically the same way and you will never leave them.