1. We have the moment when Beyoncé’s performance begins… We’re in The Church of Beysus and The Mother herself is about to unleash Her Gospel upon the world.
2. Even this person is like, “Please, Beysus, whisper your Holy ways into my pale ears.”
3. And Beyoncé is like, “Come, my children. I shall lead you to the Promised Land.”
4. And then she rises like the Holy Ghost…
5. And she’s grasped in the arms of this beautiful man.
6. And she begins to slowly sway, her Tom Ford jewel-encrusted outfit sparkling in the dim light.
7. And then she turns and makes direct, searing eye contact with literally every single person on the planet…
9. And the entire world quakes before Her godly presence.
10. There’s the moment when she’s standing in the center of the “Haunted” circle, plotting each and every one of our deaths.
11. *INTENSE DEATH PLOTTING IN THE “HAUNTED” CIRCLE*
12. And the moment when the lights go down and she’s illuminated by nothing but the light of our souls, glowing in Her presence.
13. There’s the moment when the lights come back up and Les Twins are twirling around Her.
14. Like us, they are under Her spell.
15. Then they’re gone, and we are left with nothing but the sweet, heartbreaking sounds of Beyoncé’s “Jealous.”
16. We know we’ve done nothing wrong, and yet, we feel helpless and guilty in Her presence.
17. And then BOOM. We switch to “Blow” and the rainbow bursts from behind Her and from within Her.
18. There’s the moment she becomes the center of one, long Skittles tasting line.
19. And the moment when she asks the entire world to turn that cherry out and the entire world is like, “We can’t. We literally cannot.”
20. And then suddenly she’s in the center of a glorious mountain of glittery butts.
21. *GLORIOUS MOUNTAIN OF GLITTERY BEYONCÉ-APPROVED BUTTS*
22. There’s the moment she draws all of her power from their glittery assness.
23. And then, having drawn all of their bootylicious energy, she stands victorious above them, displaying Herself to the world.
24. There’s the moment she glides to the front of the stage, dragging each and every one of us with Her.
25. She holds Her microphone to the skies and shouts, “WE BE ALL NIGHT.” And everyone in the crowd is like, “YAAASS, BEYONCÉ. WE DO BE ALL NIGHT. WE DO.”
26. And she’s like, “I can’t hear y’all.” And everyone is like, “BEYONCÉ. PLEASE. WE CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE.”
27. But Beyoncé doesn’t care about you or anybody you love. So she goes to her fancy “Partition” chair. She puts Her leg upon its side. And she sings into the world… “Let me sit this aaaaaaasssssss on ya.”
28. And she looks out into the crowd like, “Y’all seein’ this? This is some iconic shit happening right now!”
29. *ICONIC “PARTITION” CHAIR MOUNTING HAPPENING*
30. And then she mounts Her glorious chair amid our blood and tears…
31. And swings Herself gloriously upon it. And we are left speechless.
32. But before we have time to consider how worthless we are before Her… She is swinging flawlessly along Her pole to the sounds of “Partition” and the entire audience is like, “BEYONCÉ. WE CAN’T HANDLE ANY MORE. YOU WILL KILL US.”
33. AND THEN. There is the moment when she stands before the blazingly bright words of Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie. “FEMINIST,” it blares. We are blinded.
34. And then she begins to twirl and twist.
35. *FLAWLESS TWIRLING AND TWISTING*
36. And then she looks out in the crowd and is like, “HOW DID Y’ALL WAKE UP THIS MORNING?!”
38. And then she flawlessly twirls and twists before we even have a chance to consider our own attempts at flawlessness.
39. Then there’s the moment when she stands alone, singing “Blue” as photos of Blue Ivy flash behind Her.
40. And she transitions to “XO” just as we’re drawing our last breaths…
41. And as she sings her last notes, she reaches out in the crowd like, “Y’all still alive? ‘Cause if y’all still alive, I ain’t done my job right.”
42. And then she stands there in silence, having just destroyed every last emotion in our bodies.
43. She wipes her brow. And stands above the people she’s just slayed within an inch of their lives.
44. And just as we think we’ve had all we can take…
45. Jay approaches Her with Blue…
46. And Beyoncé smiles…
47. And then she starts to cry.
48. And then everybody is crying.
49. And then they kiss.
50. And Beyoncé raises Her award into the sky, filled with gratitude and fueled by the soul of every person she’s just slayed with Her very existence.
God Bless Beyoncé. God Bless the BeyMAs.
- The far-right candidate in Austria's election has lost the presidential race in a defeat for the global populist movement.