28 Things You Learn At Lollapalooza
One city, three days, eight stages, 130 bands, 100,000 people. There is no escape.
1. Nothing can truly prepare you for the three-day musical and spiritual journey that is Lollapalooza in Chicago.
2. Getting your bag checked is the equivalent of hell itself.
3. There are more people than you will ever see in your life.
4. It takes approximately 48 days to walk from one side of the park to the other.
5. The Rain Gods do not care about you or anybody you love.
6. Ponchos are a necessary evil that will solve all of your problems and bring peace to your Earth.
7. Mud is Festival Enemy Number One.
8. Despite the weather, you will have the time of your life.
9. Iggy Azalea's waist defies all known rules of physics.
Scientists have tried to explain it. You yourself will try to make sense of it. But nobody can. Nobody ever will.
10. Lorde's hair is the most majestic creature on this planet, and seeing it in person is the cure to all of life's problems.
11. Rihanna makes literally everything better.
There is no life without Rihanna. There is either nothingness or Rihanna-ness.
12. The way Alex Turner combs his hair is capable of bringing all men, women, and children to their knees.
Nothing can possibly prepare you for the earth-shattering, tremor-inducing movements of Arctic Monkeys frontman Alex Turner running a comb through his perfectly greased hair, his shirt sleeves effortlessly folded, his guitar slung around his shoulders, gripping him where no one else can. Man or woman, gay or straight, your life changed in this moment. You became a different person. There was a time before this happened and then there was the beautiful light of all that came after.
13. Kings Of Leon are capable of silencing the entire Earth with a cover of Robyn's "Dancing On My Own."
14. You will never know who Calvin Harris truly is.
15. Every outfit is acceptable if you all agree to look insane.
16. A Hawaiian shirt is particularly fashionable if you try hard and believe in yourself.
17. Literally nobody can dance.
18. You will probably have no idea who 80 percent of the performers are.
19. PORT-A-POTTIES ARE THE BANE OF ALL HUMANITY'S EXISTENCE.
20. Everything smells, for better or worse, like beer, sweat, and deep dish pizza.
21. There is no escaping the music. It's everywhere around you. It owns you now.
22. Crowdsurfers will murder you.
23. People who sit on other people's shoulders will murder you.
24. Gary Busey's face is quite possibly the most important way to not get lost in this world of darkness.
25. If you pay $8 for a beer, you may as well make the most of it.
26. Someone far more important than you is always maybe right next to you at any moment.
Could be Malia Obama. Could be Barack himself. You never know.