1.
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the protein build-up on my contact lenses.
2.
I wear glasses because I like to dramatically remove them to display anger. It was awkward doing that with contact lenses.
3.
The closest I'll ever get to being a bartender who pours shots is when I take out my contacts and pour solution into the trays.
4.
I’m in the “we both take out our contacts before sex” stage of marriage.
5.
Everyone who wears contact lenses knows one eye is more of a jerk than the other
6.
Slept with my contacts in the past two nights. Need a chisel.
7.
My new contact lenses have UV protection built in. Great news. I hated putting sunscreen on my eyeballs.
8.
Sometimes when I fall asleep with my contacts, I wake up thinking my vision has been miraculously restored, then I realize I'm a moron.
9.
I looked in a mirror and thought, "I look good today! What did I do differently?" Then I remembered I lost one of my contacts. #PrettyBlurry
10.
Today I got hipster contact lenses: two monocles.
11.
HEADS UP 1-800-CONTACTS is NOT a networking hotline
12.
I feel like a contact lens with no saline. It's a fucking metaphor. I'm tired.
13.
I saw that coming. But not from a mile a way. I mean, I need contacts just to see something from like a block a way.
14.
Looking for someone to come to my bedside, take out my contacts & put them safely in their case.Will pay if they bring me my checkbook & pen
15.
I couldn't find my specs because I didn't have my contact lenses in. Very eyeronic.
16.
I think I look my best without my contacts in. And I don't mean with my glasses on, I'm just legally blind without either.
17.
Just found out that when someone is on al fours on the sidewalk, they're looking for their contacts. They don't want you to ride them.
18.
The workday is nearly over and not a single person has noticed that I'm wearing a new pair of contacts
19.
The problem with hanging out around the house naked is that you have to wear contacts. Nowhere to wipe your glasses.
20.
So apparently putting two contacts in the same eye does NOT give you super-sight.
21.
When you wake up and can see and think it's a miracle, then realize you didn't take your contacts out and you're half-blind and hung over