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Jan 25, 2015

31 Perfect Valentines For Unromantic People

Valentines-shmalentines — wanna bang?

1. For the Valentine who makes you want to vomit less than most other people do.

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Buy here.

2. For the Valentine you want to play paleontologist with.

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Buy here.

3. For the Valentine you're stuck with.

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Ehh.

Buy here.

4. For the Valentine you love in spite of all their many flaws.

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Buy here.

5. For the Valentine who also happens to be your loofah.

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You'll never need to shell out the money for a Clarisonic.

Buy here.

6. For the Valentine who's currently wearing too many articles of clothing.

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Buy here.

7. For the Valentine you'd pull a Ross for.

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The ultimate expression of love.

Buy here.

8. For when you want to cut to the chase as far as this whole Valentine card thing goes.

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Buy here.

9. For a Valentine who appreciates fine poetry.

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Buy here.

10. For a Valentine who deserves a dozen roses.

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They're called "Nylunds" and they can only be grown in St. Olaf.

Buy here.

11. For when your Valentine needs a meal plan.

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Buy here.

12. For the Valentine you'd never use a Patronus Charm against.

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Buy here.

13. For the Valentine you adore ("Darth breathing" and all).

14. For a Valentine who makes you all moony.

15. For the Valentine who makes you sing Baby Bash.

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They have you "lifted shifted higher than a ceiling."

Buy here.

16. For your rock.

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You'd love him even if he always wore a turtleneck and fanny pack.

Buy here.

17. For the Valentine who loves you at your best and at your worst.

18. For the Valentine who could actually make a stove pipe hat look hot.

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Is Daniel Day-Lewis your Valentine?

Buy here.

19. For when your love can only be measured using the Kardashian system.

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The metric system just doesn't cut it.

Buy here.

20. For a Valentine with an exceptional _______.

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You fill in the blank.

Buy here.

21. For a Valentine who makes you carnivorous.

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Buy here.

22. For the Cheryl to your Larry.

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Buy here.

23. For the Valentine you'd get out the razor for.

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Buy here.

24. For the Valentine whose booty you crave.

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Buy here.

25. For a Valentine who doesn't expect eloquence.

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Buy here.

26. For a Valentine who could be displayed at a butcher shop.

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Buy here.

27. For a Valentine in need of some instruction.

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Buy here.

28. For a Valentine who would never judge.

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Buy here.

29. For the Valentine who can make you speak Parseltongue.

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Buy here.

30. For the Valentine you'd know even if they had their face surgically removed.

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Face off or on, it's love.

Buy here.

31. For the Valentine you can't escape from.

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... not that you'd try.

Buy here.

Here's hoping you spend Valentine's Day with someone who hates all the mushy bullshit as much as you do.

May true romance reign.

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