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1. A slightly shocking bath mat your mom will think is, "Not funny, Miranda."
2. An inappropriate print she's gonna wag her finger at the minute she steps through the door.
3. A boyfriend pillow you better put away quick before your mother finds out you've picked it over the "very nice boy" from her office she keeps trying to set you up with.
4. A selfie light that'll make you look fantastic, but will make your mom roll her eyes SO HARD they might get stuck that way.
5. An oral sex simulator you're gonna have to pretend is a skin exfoliator when she finds it in your bathroom.
6. Temporary tattoo ink — it may make your mother cringe when she realizes you've been out of junior high for 13 years and you're still "drawing on yourself."
7. A tongue cat brush, because you're 28 and she already thinks you're verging on spinster cat lady... but WTFC because Pawdrey Hepburn is gonna love it!
8. A freezer full of TV dinners sure to stress her out when she sees them and realizes you haven't had a home cooked meal since you lived at home.
9. A Mr. Rogers prayer candle, because she raised you on Mr. Rogers and Jesus, but you were supposed to pick Jesus.
10. A cookie baking set — if she finds out you have a poop-themed cookie cutter she'll stop feeling bad for you when you call to tell her your baking turned out crappy.
11. A set of bride and bridal party shirts that'll make your mom realize she's toast if she thinks you're gonna make it through the wedding day without drinking.
12. An inappropriate canvas bag with a character both nakey and defiant, that says exactly what your mother will think of your tote choice.
13. A Pop it Pal that'll gross her out so much, she'll wonder how someone like you even came out of her (actually, pretty similarly to this, TBH).
14. A dog umbrella she'll probably think is an adorable, but ridiculous, expense (particularly when you forget about bringing an umbrella for yourself).
15. A cookbook with a key ingredient mom definitely does not have in her pantry.
16. A pair of cutie boob earrings that won't be your mother's idea of an acceptable accessory for your sister's graduation ceremony.
17. A pack of four zombie popsicle molds, because you told her you'd stop eating into that The Walking Dead business.
18. A pair of high heels — your supportive mom has always told you to "break a leg" whenever you've had a performance, but in shoes this sharp she'll be worried it happens for real.
19. A vibrator necklace which would be fine for her to see, if she wasn't so fond of sharing jewelry...
20. A spell book that'll make her think you're cooking up something other than lasagna at the family dinner.
21. A tub of Tide Pods — they wouldn't usually fluster your mom, but she's not gonna be happy when she sees them by the potato chips in your snack cabinet.
22. A shower curtain which may have a little more peen than your mother was expecting in her shower.
23. A Homesick candle you can light up when she wants to come over and tell you it's probably a misteak to eat BBQ as often as you do.
24. Or a copy of The Unicorn Cookbook because she is also worried you live off of sugar (she is not wrong).
25. A breathtaking ouijia board that'll have your mom flipping out (especially when the spirits flip it over).
26. A jar of activated charcoal toothpaste — your mom will sigh if she sees it, because it's not the trend she was hoping you'd pick up as far as dental hygiene is concerned (hint: it is flossing).
27. A suede and leather Gucci belt bag, because if she finds out how much you spent on a "fanny pack", she's totally gonna kick you off the family Netflix plan.
28. A satirical T-shirt she may find distasteful (particularly because your brother's name is Toby).
29. A bracelet flask that'll seem like a great idea to help get you through your visit...until your mom sees you sipping from it.
30. A Deadpool Chia Pet your mom won't love as much as she should, because this isn't exactly what she meant when she said your apartment could use some plants.
31. A pet stroller, because this is not the kind of stroller she wanted to see you pushing.
32. A Dammit Doll for relieving your stress by hitting a helpless doll against a hard surface until the stuffing comes out... your mom will see the "poor thing" and wish you'd just had some camomile tea instead.
33. A wine glass which, if your mother finds it, is sure to lead to a conversation on portion control that'll make you need an even bigger wine glass.
34. An Exorcist action figure mom will be fine with, until she finds out you replaced the china doll she gave you with this one because you think this is less creepy.
35. A pack of penis pasta she won't want to see you eating... you know, because of your gluten intolerance.
36. A unicorn mug that'll prove to your mom that yes, she really did give birth to a brony (personally, I'm a Starshine).
37. And Broad City's peg like a queen strap on you better lock in a safe that is designed to bury itself and then explode if your mother comes within 25 yards of it. Or else.
We love our moms!
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