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29 Products That Are Kinda Crude, Dude

These mother-fudging products are so flippin' crude you're sure to poop your heckin' pants laughing.

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1. A coffee mug for any foul-mouthed fiend who wants a sprinkle of swears with their spoonful of sugar.

Get it from Amazon for $13.97.
Amazon

Get it from Amazon for $13.97.

2. A game of jizz roulette that's gonna make your (equally inappropriate friends) wanna ~cum~ over for game night, every night.

Firebox

To play, fill the phallus with a liquid of your choice, spin the dial on the left ball to find out how many pumps you'll have to play, and spin the dial on the right to find out where you have to aim it. This game is a serious splash! Just don't forget some wet wipes.

Get it from Firebox for $26.09.

3. An adult coloring book you'd have to be a ~dick~ to not love coloring in.

Amazon, amazon.com

Get it from Amazon for $4.99.

4. An oven mitt for people who know exactly how much they love food.

Get it from Amazon for $10.13 (available in 14 styles).
Amazon

Get it from Amazon for $10.13 (available in 14 styles).

5. A festive candle that'll be a gift that's sure to ~sleigh~.

Get it from You Just Got Burned Co. on Etsy for $12.12+ (available in three sizes and 37 scents).
You Just Got Burned Co.

Get it from You Just Got Burned Co. on Etsy for $12.12+ (available in three sizes and 37 scents).

6. A bedtime story for parents whose parental block goes to bed hours before their child decides to.

Amazon

Get it from Amazon for $13.34, Barnes & Noble for $14.13 (fix link), from a local bookseller through IndieBound here, or from a local library here.

7. A Big Bastard Douchebag suitcase sure to be the best thing ever when you need to carry a shit-ton of stuff.

I mean it seriously when I say this is the best luggage I've ever owned. I recently carried a printer in mine (and filled the rest of it with paper), on the subway, in a rainstorm, at rush-hour. It rolled smoothly on flat surfaces and was easy to carry up and down stairs and manuever around other commuters, despite how heavy the printer was (the handles on the sides really come in, well, handy). I came home, walked it up three flights of stairs, and opened it up to see a securely packed printer and perfectly dry paper. Douchbags are the shit. Get it from Douchebags for $249 (available in eight colors).
Douchebags

I mean it seriously when I say this is the best luggage I've ever owned. I recently carried a printer in mine (and filled the rest of it with paper), on the subway, in a rainstorm, at rush-hour. It rolled smoothly on flat surfaces and was easy to carry up and down stairs and manuever around other commuters, despite how heavy the printer was (the handles on the sides really come in, well, handy). I came home, walked it up three flights of stairs, and opened it up to see a securely packed printer and perfectly dry paper. Douchbags are the shit.

Get it from Douchebags for $249 (available in eight colors).

8. An iPhone case to give someone who likes to have their phone lookin' as juicy as they do while they're swiping right all night.

Get it from Valfre for $32 (available for iPhones 6–8).
Valfre

Get it from Valfre for $32 (available for iPhones 6–8).

9. A hand-wired ring for those moments when you wish you could give yourself the finger.

Get it from Passion and Love on Etsy for $9+ (available in seven colors and sizes 4–15).
Passion and Love

Get it from Passion and Love on Etsy for $9+ (available in seven colors and sizes 4–15).

10. A crappy game for parents who live for potty humor.

Amazon

This game includes a mat, blindfold, four cans of dough, a plastic mold, spinner board, and instructions.

Get it from Amazon for $12.88.

11. A sassy mug that perfectly describes how you are before you've finished your morning coffee.

Get it from Amazon for $8.63+ (available in five styles).
Amazon

Get it from Amazon for $8.63+ (available in five styles).

12. A drinking card game you and your friends are sure to love, even when it turns all you cool cats into asshats.

Amazon

This game is basically the Newlywed Game, Truth or Dare, and Cards Against Humanity all in one. The box includes 425 cards, so you can play this over and over without it getting repetitive.

Promising review: "This game takes your typical sit around party game to a completely different level. You’re no longer completing a sentence with the same card that wins every time. This game gets everyone involved every single round. It’s interactive in the best way. It strikes the perfect balance between being completely inappropriate and amazingly stupid. Every round is completely random and hysterical. To play, the first player up draws subject cards and everyone else guesses if that person is a fan/not a fan of each subject. For example, 'Pull-out Method or 'Pilgrims'. The person with most correct votes wins and least correct loses. If you tie, you draw a tiebreaker card and duke it out. For those, 'First one to make an ice cube disappear' was one of my personal favorites. The winner draws a c-cat card and loser draws an a-hat card. My friend Sara got to pick someone to be her personal fart machine. It made for a great Snap Chat video. There are some drinking cards mixed in as well, so it definitely makes the game even better if you’re knocking a few back." —Roger Serfass

Get it from Amazon for $25.

13. A picture book for people who like to picture their penis basically everywhere.

Firebox

Get it from Amazon for $9.95 or from Firebox for $10.49.

14. A gold key that has the ability to unlock the perfect comeback.

Get it from Cool Material for $10.
Cool Material

Get it from Cool Material for $10.

15. A pair of nice balls you can play with anytime you need to squeeze the stress away.

Firebox

Get it from Firebox for $26.

16. A T-bag teabag for anyone who thinks that poorly steeped loose leaf tastes like balls.

Get it from Amazon for $14.95 (available in three colors).
Amazon

Get it from Amazon for $14.95 (available in three colors).

17. A gorgeous dishtowel with some extra lovely language for the chef in your life who makes some fucking delicious dishes.

Get it from Firebox for $16.89 (available in two styles).
Firebox

Get it from Firebox for $16.89 (available in two styles).

18. A birthday card that's gonna answer an ~eggcellent~ question you didn't know you didn't want to know.

Get it from Amazon for $4.95.
Amazon

Get it from Amazon for $4.95.

19. A not-subtle-enough Christmas sweater that'll make Santa say, "Sorry ~Deer,~ you're on the naughty list."

Get it from Amazon for $49.95 (available in three colors and sizes S–XXL).
Amazon

Get it from Amazon for $49.95 (available in three colors and sizes S–XXL).

20. A dog calendar that's sure to make every single shitty day better.

Pooping Pooches

Get it from Amazon for $15.99 or from Pooping Pooches on Etsy for $14.99.

21. A set of three washcloths — every guest who uses these will think they're the tits.

Get them from Free People for $18.
Free People

Get them from Free People for $18.

22. A baby onesie to give new parents who know their baby's smile is gonna help them when sleepless nights have them feeling down in the ~dumps.~

Get it from Custom Peonies Designs on Etsy for $18.70 (available in three sizes and five colors) or a similar one from Amazon for $7.98.
Custom Peonies Designs

Get it from Custom Peonies Designs on Etsy for $18.70 (available in three sizes and five colors) or a similar one from Amazon for $7.98.

23. A rubber tree for anyone who loves plants, hard.

Get it from Amazon for $7.99.
Amazon

Get it from Amazon for $7.99.

24. A coffee table book that'll shock anyone who dares try and use it as a coaster.

Firebox

Get it from Amazon and Barnes & Noble for $9.95, Firebox for $10.39 or from a local bookseller through IndieBound here.

25. A magnet pack of 72 refrigerator obscenities sure to help you ~stick~ with your passion for poetry.

Get it from Amazon for $8.95 (available in 29 sets).
Amazon

Get it from Amazon for $8.95 (available in 29 sets).

26. A game of hoopla that's gonna be a ton of fun, even if it's a lot ~harder~ than you think it should be.

Firebox

Get it from Firebox for $11.79.

27. Or a wholesome game of You've Got Crabs for close friends who love getting together and having a laugh, even when they're feeling ~crabby.~

Don't forget to grab the expansion pack so you can ~claw~ your way to the top. The game already includes 78 cards, instructions, a foam turn indicator, 28 crab points, and a box with three drawer compartments. It's intended for ages seven and up. To play the game, split into teams of two, create a secret signal, and try to get four matching cards that only your partner knows about. Good luck!Get it from Amazon for $24.99.
Amazon

Don't forget to grab the expansion pack so you can ~claw~ your way to the top. The game already includes 78 cards, instructions, a foam turn indicator, 28 crab points, and a box with three drawer compartments. It's intended for ages seven and up. To play the game, split into teams of two, create a secret signal, and try to get four matching cards that only your partner knows about. Good luck!

Get it from Amazon for $24.99.

28. A premium seasoning you can throw on any shitty dish to make it way more delicious.

Get it from Amazon for $12.82.
Amazon

Get it from Amazon for $12.82.

29. And finally, a pair of penis or middle finger earrings (or get both and pair them together) for accessorizing with some serious statement pieces.

Animal Hair Stuff

Get them from Animal Hair Stuff on Etsy for $23.59 (penis pair, available in three colors) and $33.70 (finger pieces, available in four colors).

When your friends say your humor is too inappropriate.

20th Century Fox

Not enough here for your crude humor? Check out these posts below!

19 Things You Need If You Like Cute Stuff And Also Love To Swear

33 Products You Do Not Want Your Mom To See

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