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1.A bath mat your mom will think is "Not funny, Miranda."
2.A piece of floral profanity she's gonna glare at when she sees you've put it above the welcome mat she keeps catching her feet on.
3.A boyfriend pillow you better put away quick before your mother finds out you've picked it over the "very nice boy" from her office she keeps trying to set you up with.
4.A selfie light that'll make you look fantastic, but will make your mom roll her eyes so hard you'll be worried she's hurt herself.
5.An oral sex simulator you're gonna have to pretend is a skin exfoliator when she finds it in your bathroom.
6.A temporary tattoo ink — it may make your mother cringe when she realizes you've been out of junior high for 13 years and you're still "drawing on yourself."
7.A tongue cat brush, because you're 28 and she already thinks you're verging on spinster cat lady... but WTFC because Pawdrey Hepburn is gonna love it!
8.A freezer full of tv dinners sure to stress her out when she sees them and realizes you haven't had a home cooked meal since you lived at home.
21.A breathtaking ouijia board that'll have your mom flipping out (especially when the spirits flip it over).
22.A jar of activated charcoal toothpaste — your mom will sigh if she sees it, because it's not the trend she was hoping you'd pick up as far as dental hygiene is concerned (hint: it is flossing).
23.A metallic leather Gucci messenger bag, because if she finds out how much you spent on one bag, she's totally gonna kick you off the family Netflix plan.
24.A satirical T-shirt mom would definitely find distasteful (particularly because your brother's name is Toby).
25.A bracelet flask that'll seem like a great idea to help get you through your visit, until your mom sees you sipping from it.
26.A Bob Ross Chia Pet your mom won't love as much as she should, because this isn't exactly what she meant when she said your apartment could use some plants.
27.A pet stroller, because this is not the kind of stroller she wanted to see you pushing at your age.
28.A Dammit Doll for relieving your stress by hitting a helpless doll against a hard surface until the stuffing comes out... your mom will see the "poor thing" and wish you'd just had some camomile tea instead.
29.A wine glass which, if your mother finds it, is sure to lead to a conversation on portion control that'll make you need an even bigger wine glass.
30.An Exorcist doll mom will be fine with until she finds out you replaced the china doll she gave you with this one because it's less creepy.
31.A pack of penis pasta she won't want to see you eating... you know, because of your gluten intolerance.
32.A unicorn mug and wand that'll prove to your mom that yes, she really did give birth to a brony (personally, I'm a Starshine).
33.And Broad City's peg like a queen strap on you better lock in a safe that is designed to bury itself and then explode if your mother comes within 25 yards of it. Or else.