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33 Products You Do Not Want Your Mom To See

"Mom it's not mine I swear!" But it is.

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3. A boyfriend pillow you better put away quick before your mother finds out you've picked it over the "very nice boy" from her office she keeps trying to set you up with.

Promising review: "Not only am I obsessed with this pillow, so are are my fur babies! I've honestly never slept better. It's the perfect cuddle, with no morning breath or awkward goodbyes. This girl loves it! 🙌" —Caren Lewis

Get it from Amazon for $34.99 (available in four colors).


5. An oral sex simulator you're gonna have to pretend is a skin exfoliator when she finds it in your bathroom.

Promising review: "I never thought I'd write a review on such a delicate topic but I cannot keep this to myself! I'd like to start off by saying the packaging was great, it has a nice smell, and it's so quiet. This will serriously give you fireworks!!! It's the best by far!! Definitely a must have! I wish I could give it 20 stars." —Knoxy

Get it from Amazon for $49.95.

6. A temporary tattoo ink — it may make your mother cringe when she realizes you've been out of junior high for 13 years and you're still "drawing on yourself.",

Until you write "I love Mom" and watch her change her tune.

Promising reviews: "This is such a neat product. It really looks like a real tattoo! This is a great product if you're testing out a tattoo that you're thinking about getting or if you just don't want anything too permanent! Overall this is a great product and I've already recommended it to many friends!" —Cindy J.

Get it from Amazon or InkBox for $30.

7. A tongue cat brush, because you're 28 and she already thinks you're verging on spinster cat lady... but WTFC because Pawdrey Hepburn is gonna love it!

Promising review: "I bought it as a joke. But the cat seems to like it a lot." —Simon B.

Get it from Amazon for $24.99 (available in two colors).


13. A cookbook with a key ingredient mom definitely does not have in her pantry.


16. A vibrating necklace which would be fine for her to see, if she wasn't so fond of sharing jewelry.,

Promising reviews: "This works exceedingly well! It's A powerhouse well beyond its size with quality craftsmanship!" —PJ Rellaw

Get it from Amazon or Crave for $69.

17. A spell book that'll make her think you're cooking up something other than lasagna at the family dinner.

Get it from Amazon for $12.56, Barnes & Noble for $14.48, Urban Outfitters for $15.99, or from a local bookseller through IndieBound here.

18. A tub of Tide Pods — they wouldn't usually fluster your mom, but she's not gonna be happy when she sees them by the potato chips in your snack cabinet.

Promising review: "I just love these pods! They're the greatest invention since sliced bread. They are easy to use, not messy, and clean perfectly." —NiceTallGuy

Get it from Amazon for $17.12.


20. A copy of The Unicorn Cookbook because she is worried you live off of sugar (she is not wrong).

22. A jar of activated charcoal toothpaste — your mom will sigh if she sees it, because it's not the trend she was hoping you'd pick up as far as dental hygiene is concerned (hint: it is flossing).

Promising review: "This stuff works! My husband didn't know I started using this and after the first time I did he was surprised to see my teeth were visibly brighter and asked if I had my teeth professionally done. I use it twice a week and love my white smile. Really helps with overall oral health and my breath is noticeably cleaner (even in the morning)." —Ladacnom

Get it from Amazon for $10.

23. A metallic leather Gucci messenger bag, because if she finds out how much you spent on one bag, she's totally gonna kick you off the family Netflix plan.

Promising review: "I love this bag, it's so cute and comfy! And it's perfect with almost any outfit." —MCxoxo

Get it from Nordstrom for $520.


26. A Bob Ross Chia Pet your mom won't love as much as she should, because this isn't exactly what she meant when she said your apartment could use some plants.

Promising review: "This was a middle of the night impulse buy and I regret nothing! Bob Ross, rest his pure and shining soul, will always have a place in my life. The terracotta is well made, nice and smooth. The chia seeds are plentiful, enough for multiple crops, and the instructions are helpful. The seeds are fresh and sprouted immediately. 100% pleased." —M. Gode

Get it from Amazon for $19.39.

27. A pet stroller, because this is not the kind of stroller she wanted to see you pushing at your age.

Promising review: "Our dog seems to be quite comfortable in it and it is stable and easy to push. This makes it much easier than using a leash to take him with us around large groups of people." —Jill C. Holleque

Get it from Amazon for $39.99 (available in three colors).


28. A Dammit Doll for relieving your stress by hitting a helpless doll against a hard surface until the stuffing comes out... your mom will see the "poor thing" and wish you'd just had some camomile tea instead.

Promising review: "It's cute, durable, and a definite conversation starter." —Karla

Get it from Amazon for $16.87 (available in nine colors).

29. A wine glass which, if your mother finds it, is sure to lead to a conversation on portion control that'll make you need an even bigger wine glass.

Promising review: "This glass totally surpassed my expectations. I thought it was going to just be a cute gag gift for Christmas but the quality is fantastic. It will last forever." —Dani

Get it from Amazon for $17.99 (available in eight styles).

31. A pack of penis pasta she won't want to see you eating... you know, because of your gluten intolerance.

Promising review: "It was a gag gift (no pun intended) and we definitely got some laughs and for that I'm giving it a five-star rating." —Katie Moss

Get it from Amazon for $9.99.


33. And Broad City's peg like a queen strap on you better lock in a safe that is designed to bury itself and then explode if your mother comes within 25 yards of it. Or else.

Looking for the perfect gift for any occasion? Check out all of BuzzFeed’s gift guides here!

Ryan Pattie / BuzzFeed

The reviews in this post have been edited for length and clarity.