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1. A baguette-shaped wrist rest, because carpal tunnel shan't keep you from ~getting that bread~.
2. AND a corgi butt mousepad with a plush 'n' cheeky hiney for the cutest possible carpal tunnel prevention.
3. A to-do list of what you haaaave to get done today (with a column for what to procrastinate also) — that might make your cubicle neighbor raise an eyebrow... and then ask to join you for that drink.
4. A screaming goat figurine that'll help you release some stress (and make every head turn in your direction). Just press the button on the stump he stands on to hear those bleats that can't be beat.
5. A clear window you can install right in your fence that'll make passersby double back in excitement to give your pupper a friendly wave.
6. A cheeky baby book for scientists in the making that'll entertain tiny tots and adults alike — and make the other parents in your circle slowly blink in shock at your amazing at-home early education.
7. A pack of anatomical pens that'll ~no bones about it~ freak people out when they ask to borrow a writing utensil.
8. A set of hand-crocheted cat butt coasters, because anyone who puts a condensation-covered glass right on a wood table is an ~asshole~, and deserves to know it.
9. A hilarious (and actually useful) post–zombie apocalypse survival guide, including over 80 recipes, food scavenging tips, and illustrated guides on living in the wilderness, whether the undead are after you (and your tasty brain) or not. Be prepared for bookshelf-browsers to have some questions.
10. A 2'x3' print of "The Timeless Art of Seduction" that'll really speak for itself when it comes to your interior design taste.
11. A pair of hairy-good slippers you're basically contractually obligated to wear while binge watching the whole extended edition of the Lord of the Rings trilogy. See how long it takes for someone to notice you're wearing them.
12. A creative journal chock-full of prompts and activities designed to spark your creativity and bring out your inner...well...weirdo. This makes a great gift, even if you get a strange look when it's first unwrapped.
13. A corgi butt coin-purse-slash-wallet cashiers will love when you pull it out to pay.
14. A surprisingly soft tortilla blanket so you can wrap yourself up like the couch burrito you were always meant to be — and surprise the delivery guy with your new look.
One reviewer even gave the blanket to her nephew half-wrapped in foil so it looked like a giant burrito. HOW CUTE IS THAT?!
15. A deep-cleansing, 24K gold–infused mask that'll change colors ~right before your eyes~ from gold to white as it dries on your skin, clearing out pores, removing dead skin cells, and refining your skin's texture.
16. A plush dog toy shaped like a beer bottle (or wine, tequila, vodka, etc.) sure to make you wonder for a second if your ~booze hound~ has been raiding your liquor cabinet.
17. A reversible sequin pillow you can run your hands over to reveal the hidden face beneath. "Why do I have a Nic Cage pillow? The question is why DON'T you have a Nic Cage pillow, Deborah!"
18. A king cube–size skull ice mold that'll make people suddenly look down and wonder if their glass is filled with scotch... or *actual* poison.
19. A sheet mask — FOR YOUR BUTT, because why should your face have all the fun? It'll moisturize and tone (hello aloe and chamomile), with one sheet for each cheek. 🍑
20. An eraser you're ~van Gogh-ing~ to love — especially when it makes all your sketching 101 classmates whisper to each other "....is that an ear?"
21. A trio of flasks masquerading as beauty product tubes that *might* make people wonder why you're surreptitiously pouring moisturizer into your cup.
22. A pair of dress socks featuring Dwight Schrute wearing the CPR dummy mask so you can tug up your pant leg in an important meeting and get your work spouse to break down laughing.
23. An oven mitt you can have hanging innocently on a kitchen hook before taking out a tray of your famous brownies.
24. A Ramona Singer eyes sleep mask that, at *first* glance, will trick people into thinking you're actually awake...and maybe walking down a runway making some very intense eye contact with no one.
25. An extra large porcelain mug ideal for any potty mouths of your acquaintance. For best results, sip out of it while maintaining eye contact.
26. A squirrel feeder shaped like a unicorn head for some photo ops and backyard entertainment of ~mythological~ proportions.
27. A pair of skeleton hand hair clips people will compliment you on...until they get a closer look. Then they're compliment you even more on your spooky taste year-round!
28. And a shrimp neck pillow that'll keep your airplane seat mates at a...respectful distance. This is the only acceptable way to bring seafood on an airplane, btw!
Careful with that whiplash now.
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