Listen, I'm not a freaking doctor! I'm just a woman who has experienced a menstrual cycle approximately 156 times in my life thus far.
Recently I was talking to some friends of mine named Blaze and Chaz. Those are their real names, I only have friends with cool names. Turns out they didn't know shit about periods! I realized they didn't know anything when Blaze asked me this:
So now here are 26 things I want any old Joe Schmo out there to know about having a period.
1. To answer Blaze's question: remember that part in Saw when that guy had to cut off his own foot or stay forever in that grimy bathroom with the other dead person? It's kinda like that type of fun.
2. Even if you're waiting for your period to come because there's no way in hell you're ready to be a mom and then you get your period and you're elated cause you're like, "NO BABY TODAY, BITCHES!," it's still not fun. The thrill goes away at first sign of period poop.
3. Oh yeah, period poop is a thing. It's just like poop but different.
4. You never get "good" at it. Like I said, I've had my period at least 156 times and I'm still awful at having it.
5. In fact show me one person who is "good" at having their period and I'll SHOW YOU A LIAR!!!
6. Sometimes I can sense that it's coming with my third eye, other times I'm like, "welp here it is again, kill me."
7. Actually, 70% of the time I can only figure out when I'm going to get my period next by looking through my phone and seeing when I texted my best friend last saying "ughh just got my period."
8. Period underwear is a myth. All underwear is period underwear if you leak enough times.
9. Butttt sometimes you've saved at least a few pairs of undies to be pristine. But the rest are still def stained.
10. While you're on your period you're basically just always paranoid about leaking on a chair or something.
11. For a lot of people, periods hurt like a mother fucker! Like, I wanna cry and not do anything and just be in bed curled in the fetal position. It really blows!
12. You actually only bleed around 2.5 oz of stuff during one cycle. But let me tell you — IT LOOKS LIKE A LOT MORE!!!
13. The day you first get your period is traumatizing. I'm talking as a young woman who is realizing this is happening for the rest of her life.
14. Also the first day of each cycle is traumatizing. It plain ol' sucks. Oh Aunt Flo is back in town? WOOOOOH!!!! JK, AUNT FLO IS YOUR LEAST FAVORITE AUNT.
15. Tampons don't feel like anything once they're inside you. It just co-exists with our beautiful bodies until it's time to rip that thing out and put a fresh one in.
16. Yah, flushing your used tampon down the toilet is bad for the pipes and contributes to clogged toilets, but I DON'T CARE. I'M FLUSHIN' THAT THANG.
17. Having your period on a vacation sucks.
18. Well, it sucks whenever, but when you're supposed to be enjoying your life and drinking coconuts on the beach and not worrying about bleeding out onto a lounge chair, it sucks even more.
19. Tampon planning is a bitch! Will I need three today? Five? Whatever, better just throw 13 in the bag to be safe!
20. "That commercial was sad. Yeah, so was that one. Omg so many sad commercials these days, wow. Omg I'm crying at all these really sad commercials!"
21. I'm allowed to eat literally whatever the fuck I want on my period. YOU CAN'T STOP ME.
22. Sometimes you think your period is over, but then it's not. 🙃
23. If you live with a person who also gets their period, you could maybe sync with them! At least, that's what we like to think. Turns out maybe it doesn't really happen but then EXPLAIN WHY ME AND MY ROOMMATE ARE BOTH REALLY BITCHY TO EACH OTHER AT THE SAME TIME????
24. Apparently you can sync up your period to the moon cycle. I haven't tried it but I want to.
25. The three-ish weeks without your period are WONDERFUL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Freedom is a beautiful thing.
26. If all of a sudden dudes got periods. I'd laugh and enjoy my popcorn.
