1.
in an unsettling reversal of my teenage years, I am now yelling at my parents for going out
2.
This grocery store is wiped out of EVERYTHING. All they have left are containers and they even changed their name to The Container Store
3.
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
4.
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don't know what to do about her.
5.
People: "I want 2020 to be like the roarin' twenties!" Earth: "Alright, infectious disease is spreading." People: "No, not like that." Earth: "The US stock market is tanking." People: "Wait..." Earth: "LMAO Bars can't be open anymore."
6.
I’ve been social distancing and doing all the right things but I still wound up seeing that video of the celebrities singing Imagine.
7.
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
8.
We get it, Europe, you all have BALCONIES.
9.
10.
HOW TO AVOID CORONAVIRUS - Don't show up - Don't come out - Don't start caring about me now - Walk away, you know how - Don't start caring about me now
11.
I like how “today is Thursday” is one of the top trends on Twitter bc no one has any concept of time or what day it is anymore during quarantine
12.
how many calories are you guys burning per day? for me it’s 6
13.
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
14.
we are entering an era of unprecedented recipe substitutions
15.
First session w/ my therapist since quarantine. First thing I said was “so is anything going on in the news?” Not that funny, actually doesn’t even make sense as a question but it got the Biggest fucking laugh I heard in my life. We must take what we can get in these trying times
16.
every musician with a balcony is like now's my fucking chance
17.
I think everyone should sign all work emails “love you” for the time being
18.
DAY 10: I’ve been sleeping on the couch to make my bed jealous.
19.
Nothing like relaxing on the couch after a long day of being tense on the couch.
20.
just asked someone if they are “having a good pandemic”
21.
Day 1 of quarantine: I'm going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
22.
ok so if someone doesn’t text you back they hate you and if you put on make up to facetime someone it’s a date I’m sorry but those are the rules now
23.
Every time I see a doctor on the news saying how hospitals are understaffed, I think well you‘re on TV.
24.
me: what time is it? my sister: IT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER
25.
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
26.
My Mom lied to me about who my dad was until I was 30 and I am MORE mad at her for going to Costco today.
27.
little update about me i now like classical music and eat dinner at 1pm
28.
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
29.
I slept 14 hours last night absolutely locked and fuckin loaded for a big day of hand washing and looking out the window