Recently I asked the lesbians of the BuzzFeed Community to tell us what the most annoying things the straights do and say to them are.
Besides everything (jkjk), here are the things that we kindly request you just STOP doing. THANKS!!
1. Ask us questions about nonexistent dating protocols:
"'Who pays on the first date?' I usually tell people neither of us and we have to tell the server that we’re both queer women on a first date and because we’re women we are legally not allowed to pay on a first date so we get dinner for free. Because apparently women are unable to pay for dinner."
2. Assume we'll have a crush on them:
"When a girl comes up to you and says, 'oh you’re a lesbian? That’s fine as long as you don’t get a crush on me." Then when I say, 'Oh no, you’re not my type,' she gets offended, upset, and defensive."
3. Challenge our sexuality:
"I'm tired of my sexuality not being taken seriously, or as a challenge to men who don't 'believe' me when I say that I am not into men. Why can't my sexuality be respected, instead of being turned into some type of twisted challenge, or reduced down to something to be conquered or accomplished?"
4. Act like one of us is "the guy" in the relationship:
“'Who’s the man?' Or some iteration thereof. What are they really asking? I want to make them explain their question. Like, what does the “man” do in straight relationships? Any answer to that question is at best naive, and at worst misogynistic."
5. Comment that our girlfriend looks like our sister:
"I absolutely despise when people say my wife and I look like sisters. Or just assume that we’re sisters and make some comment like, 'Oh you and your sister are so pretty!' I’m sorry, but the woman I’m holding hands with and just kissed on the lips is not my sister."
6. Assume we are anything but queer:
"I'm a single, ultra-femme lesbian who is trying to start a family. My red lips and stiletto heels don't exactly scream 'obvious lesbian,' and without another woman on my arm, I'm even less so. I absolutely do not hide my sexuality, but I don't go out of my way to bring it up either unless the topic comes up, so most people assume I'm straight. During my previous pregnancies I always got the 'congratulations, were you trying?' question, which firstly is more than a little intrusive, and secondly would have to lead to the awkward explanation that I *have* to try, because I am a big ol' 'mo. Femme life is spending your day-to-day coming out over and over again. 🤷♀️"
7. Project gender stereotypes onto us:
"When I got engaged, my former boss asked: 'In a lesbian relationship, how do you decide which one of you will propose when it's the man's job usually?'
Like...what am I supposed to say, that I got nominated to be 'the man' this year at the annual global Lesbian Conference? Why should only men propose anyway? Why are women supposed to just wait around endlessly? Such a tedious question that I got asked a lot, but my boss phrased it most annoyingly."
8. Pry into our intimate preferences:
"I am butch lesbian and I often get asked, 'Why do you use a strap-on if you don’t like penis?'
For one thing this is extremely offensive to trans women and it incorrectly assumes all lesbians are inherently trans-exclusionary, which we are not. Trans women are women and if you don’t like that GTFO out of the lesbian community.
On top of being transphobic, it’s super inappropriate to ask about anyones sex life regardless of their sexuality.
And the real answer is that you can be a lesbian and still enjoy penetrative sex. I more so enjoy being the one wearing the strap-on, and this isn’t because I wish I had a penis but because I like feeling connected to my partner and giving them pleasure.
Also if someone confides in you about their sexuality don’t ask ANY follow-up questions ever. Just be thankful that this person feels comfortable enough around you to tell you."
9. Joke about "becoming a lesbian":
"It’s not so much a question as it is a statement. 'Ugh I’m done with men maybe I should just go for women!' News flash…women are difficult as hell too!! All relationships require communication to work, not just heterosexual ones. And no, women don’t automatically open up and volunteer their emotions always."
10. Downplay our struggles:
"As a married lesbian, I am so tired of hearing things along the lines of: It must be easy to have kids, there are two of you and science has come along way, Or one of you could just sleep with a man to get pregnant! Such a way to downplay our relationship and our struggle with infertility."
11. Attempt to "change our minds"
"When a guy suggests for me to sleep with him because 'it'll be the best sex ever and it'll change my mind.'"
12. Ask the mechanics of "lesbian sex":
"When you come out to someone (in general conversation) and they ask how lesbians have sex. Drives me insane. Why would you ask such a personal question to someone? I doubt they go around asking each straight person how they have sex."
13. Give extremely backhanded compliments:
"When people meet my partner and see that she’s also a femme, and then make some variation of a surprised comment about how we’re ‘both pretty’ (read: both stereotypically feminine) or how she’s ‘not what they were expecting’ (they were expecting her to be ‘the man’ in the relationship since I’m feminine). Offensive for so many reasons!"
14. Doubt our identity:
“But how do you KNOW if you’ve never tried being with a man” usually coming from a straight man who doesn’t know how to respond when asked the exact same question back."
15. Make assumptions about style choices:
"My wife and I are both very feminine, yet still got asked by people who had known us a long time, 'Which one of you will wear a suit for your wedding?'
Like, why assume one of us has to?! Or that we couldn't both? It's such a weirdly limited outlook on the world!"
16. Attempt threesomes:
"When they hit on you and your partner at the same time 🙄🙄🙄."
17. Assume they know more about our orientation than we do:
"I identify as asexual and a lesbian (homoromantic) and I'm so sick of people asking me why I am only interested in women if I don't have sexual attraction to anyone. It's like they would be more satisfied if I said I was biromantic or heteroromantic. Just let me exist!"
18. Label us the way they want to:
"You dated a man so you must be bi." No, it's called comp het. That's what happens when you put misogyny and homophobia in a blender. That's what you get."
19. And finally, think that lesbian relationships are sooOOooOo easy:
"Is it easier? No dear god. No it's not."
Pass it on!!!
