The 9 Stages Of Tripping And Falling In Public

But really, how are we expected to even balance on just two sticks made of bones our whole lives anyway?

1. Stage 1: Walking

You are walking briskly. This is the pre-trip stage. Things are good. You are the man. LIFE IS PRETTY DAMN FINE.

2. Stage 2: The actual trip

This is it. The moment of dread. You never thought it could happen to you. You thought your feet were stable, your legs solid. But alas, here you are, falling toward the ground. It’s gravity. This is your life now.

3. Stage 3: You are on the floor

Your body is parallel to the ground. You can taste the floor garbage. Your nose caresses the cement. It’s sensual until you realize it’s because you just took a tumble and now your whole life is over forever.

4. Stage 4: Feeling like you want to fall off the face of this planet

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK. YOU JUST TRIPPED, HONESTLY, COULD ANYTHING POSSIBLY GET ANY FUCKING WORSE?

5. Stage 5: Getting up

You can’t lie there forever. You have to get up at some point. OR maybe you don’t. Maybe you could just die here.

6. Stage 6: Placing the blame

“DID YOU SEE THAT CRACK?” “THERE WAS WATER ON THE FLOOR.” “I WAS PUSHED.” Look, you can blame whoever or whatever you want. Maybe there was a pile of burrito beans on the floor and you slipped on them, or maybe there was nothing and you’ve only got your shitty, feeble legs to blame. Either way you will try to justify this trip.

7. Stage 7: Standing there while everyone laughs at you

People will laugh. For now you are the butt of the joke. You’ve just gotta take it. No one cares what caused the trip, it happened and now it’s written in history.

8. Stage 8: Telling everyone — including strangers — that you are OK

You are “fine.” Your palms aren’t bleeding and filled with tiny rock segments from the ground or anything. Just tell everyone that saw you that you are great, even better than before you fell. “Oh wow, that trip really just aligned my spine!”

9. Stage 9: Running to the bathroom to cry

Keep your head up though, it gets better.

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