1. Would you rather sweat mayo or poop a softball?
“That would hurt because a softball is, like, a big thing. I’d rather sweat mayo to look out for my body. But if it didn’t have any effect on my anatomy, it’s a funny story to have pooped a softball.”
2. Would you rather be sexually attracted to fruit or have Cheetos dust permanently on your fingers?
“Cheetos dust, because I can always eat the Cheetos dust.”
3. Would you rather change gender every time you sneezed or not be able to tell the difference between a muffin and a baby?
“I think I would go with the gender change. You’d have such an unbelievable point of view — of everything. Like, you are one of the most extraordinary people on the planet.”
4. Would you rather never have to worry about money or live in a world with pokemon?
“Live a world with pokemon. Duh. That was a stupid question, sorry.”
5. Would you rather talk like Jar Jar Binks or look like Jar Jar Binks? And you are not allowed to kill yourself.
“Talk like Jar Jar Binks. Who doesn’t want to sound Jamaican?”
6. Would you rather be able to speak any language fluently or be able to talk to animals?
“Animals, duh, easily.”
7. Would you rather be the best racquetball player in the world or find $65 on the street?
“Think of all the tacos I could buy with $65. But the answer is, I would love to be the best racquetball player in the world.”
- An American-Israeli teen has been arrested in Israel for bomb threats to Jewish community centers in the US, say the FBI.
- Republicans worked into the morning trying to finalize a deal that would allow their Obamacare replacement plan to pass in the House.
- The suspect in the London terror attack near Parliament, who was killed by police, has been identified as 52-year-old Khalid Masood.
- A Russian former MP and Putin critic was shot and killed outside an upscale hotel in Ukraine Thursday.