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    What People Say On Their CV, Vs. What They Mean

    Job-hunting cliches, translated.


    1. "Dynamic" - No-one knows what this means. Writing it down anyway.

    2. "Accustomed to thinking outside the box" - Sometimes I use pink AND yellow highlighter pens.

    3. "Committed to fostering a creative environment" - I bloody love flipcharts.

    4. "Serial entrepreneur" - My businesses keep failing.

    5. "Visionary" - I think I'm wonderful.

    6. "Intensely results focused" - Shark-eyed psychopath who is gunning for your job.

    7. "Unflappable" - My response to most things: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯.

    8. "Team player" - This should set me apart from all the anti-social loners who apply for the job.

    9. "I'm detail-oriented" - As opposed to those people who despise detail of all kinds.

    10. "I work well in a group" - Bet you've never heard that one before.

    11. "High emotional intelligence" - I will spend most lunchtimes crying in the toilets.

    12. "Inspirational leadership style" - Everyone hates me.

    13. "I'm passionate about…" - I will now bullshit outrageously on the subject of…"

    14. "Looking for a new challenge" - About to be fired.

    15. "Highly motivated" - Desperate.

    16. "I'm enthusiastic" - I will suggest all manner of annoying team-bonding exercises.

    17. "Hobbies include…" - I haven't quite filled a side of A4 yet, so…

    18. "Reading, watching films, and socialising" - Don't act like you're not intrigued.

    19. "Energetic" - As opposed to being sluggish and indolent.

    20. "Committed" - Will turn up to work most days, hangovers permitting.

    21. "Proactive" - I do stuff.

    22. "I have a wide range of skills" - I'm not very good at anything.

    23. "Punctual" - I get in ten minutes early to steal all the nice biscuits.

    24. "I bring out the best in people" - I'm so lazy everybody else has to work twice as hard.

    25. "Proficient in a wide range of information technologies, including Microsoft Word" - I cannot think of anything to write here.

    26. "Creative powerhouse" - Nobody is as good at nicking other people's ideas as me.

    27. "Have become an invaluable member of the team" - Nobody else knows how to unblock paper jams in the photocopier.

    28. "Driven" - I maintain inbox zero with an obsessive zeal that will make you fear for my sanity.

    29. "Intense" - Dreadful wanker.

    30. "I'm a people person" - I'm that guy who asks everyone to gather round and awkwardly sing happy birthday to you at your desk.

    31. "I'm a perfect fit for the team" - I haven't actually met the team yet but…

    32. "I'm a problem solver" - I will find supposed problems where none exist.

    33. "Strong interpersonal skills" - Capable of handling most workplace situations without headbutting anyone or calling them a tosser.

    34. "I'm a born organiser" - I love scheduling pointless meetings.

    35. "I'm creative" - I love scheduling pointless brainstorms.

    36. "I'm professional" - I love creating pointless spreadsheets.

    37. "I'm easygoing and laid back" - You don't expect me to do actual work, do you?

    38. "I'm fun and outgoing" - I think this is a dating profile.

    39. "References available upon request" - Praying you don't request references.

    40. "I'm always looking for new challenges" - I've failed all my previous challenges.

    41. "Social media skills" - I tweet a lot.

    42. "Social media expert" - I manually RT wisdom by other people in a shameless bid to garner retweets.

    43. "Formidable social media presence" - I bought a shit ton of followers.

    44. "Video editing skills" - Once spent an afternoon dicking around with iMovie.

    45. "I'm keen to focus on the next stage of my career" - I've shagged everybody in this office and now I need an escape plan.

    46. "Achievements include…" - I will now take credit for things that happened at my company that actually had nothing to do with me.

    47. "Experience working in a fast-paced environment" - Rarely fall asleep at my desk these days.

    48. "Fluent in…" - "Dimly remember a smattering of…"

    49. "Communications director" - I get paid an insane amount of money for taking people out to lunch.

    50. "PR executive" - I send a lot of emails that journalists ignore.

    51. "PR director" - I phone up journalists and ask them why they ignored the emails.

    52. "Strategist" - Bullshitter.

    53. "Analyst" - Pie chart specialist.

    54. "Chief Evangelist" - LOL not even I know what I get paid for.

    55. "Management consultant" - I go into companies and write long reports telling them to sack the people they had already decided to sack anyway.

    56. "Client-facing creative synergies" - These words sound pretty good together, right?

    57. "Delivering multi-platform, full-stack content solutions" - Please don't ask me to explain what this entails.

    58. "Rock star" - Huge douche.

    59. "Contact me at" - I still think it's the '90s.

    60. "My application takes the form of a viral video…" - Delete, delete, delete.

    61. "I like to work hard and play hard" - I am worse than Hitler.