1. For those who associate Christmas with westerns, tune to AMC.
Take ‘er easy there, pilgrim. You can watch five John Wayne westerns in a row if you’re surrounded by older relatives who are into that sort of thing.
Starting at 10:30 a.m.: Rio Bravo, The Cowboys, Cahill U.S. Marshall, El Dorado, The Sons of Katie Elder
2. For Griswold family fans, tune to IFC.
Why spend time with your family when you can spend time with a fictional family that’s much, much worse than yours? Check out the only National Lampoon movies that really matter.
Starting at 9:30 a.m.: National Lampoon’s Vacation, National Lampoon’s European Vacation, Vegas Vacation, National Lampoon’s Vacation (again), National Lampoon’s European Vacation (again)
3. For connoisseurs of Jewish humor, tune to Sundance.
Maybe you’re celebrating Christmas, but you’re still a Jew where it counts: your appreciation of Mel Brooks movies. Sundance’s marathon is cleverly titled “Oy! to the World.”
Starting at 6 a.m.: The Producers (2005), The Producers (1968), History of the World, Part I, Young Frankenstein, Robin Hood: Men in Tights, History of the World, Part I (again), Young Frankenstein (again), The Producers (1968) (again), The Producers (2005) (again), Robin Hood: Men in Tights (again)
4. For fans of talking animals and dragons, tune to FX.
You won’t be watching these computer-animated family films in 3D, but let’s be honest, those glasses gave you headaches anyway. There’s a great assortment of smart and beautifully rendered movies here.
Starting at 7 a.m.: Megamind, Monsters vs. Aliens, How to Train Your Dragon, Madagascar: Escape 2 Africa, Shrek Forever After, Kung Fu Panda, Kung Fu Panda 2, How to Train Your Dragon (again), Megamind (again)
5. For those who want to learn something, tune to BET.
A young Halle Berry stars in the 1993 historical miniseries Queen that originally aired over three nights. This Christmas, you can watch the entire epic in one sitting.
Starting at 8 a.m.: Alex Haley’s Queen (all three parts air twice)
6. For the religious or pseudo-religious, tune to TCM.
If you subscribe to the notion that “Jesus is the reason for the season,” you might want to check out these classic biblical epics. Or just go to church. Either way.
Starting at 7:30 a.m.: The Big Fisherman, Ben-Hur, The Robe, King of Kings
7. For adults who need a little levity, tune to USA.
I’m not clear on exactly what theme USA is going for, but hey, if you want to laugh, here are a bunch of movies that might very well help out with that. (Warning: Not family friendly.)
Starting at 1 a.m: Semi-Pro, Welcome Home Roscoe Jenkins, Little Fockers, No Strings Attached, The Back-Up Plan, Couples Retreat, Bridesmaids
8. For terrible disaster flick aficionados, tune to SyFy.
Embrace the camp with SyFy’s marathon of hilariously awful disaster movies, all of which take place during the most wonderful time of the year.
Starting at 9 a.m.: 2012: Ice Age, Ice Spiders, Ice Road Terror, Yeti, Snow Beast, Ice Quake, Snowmageddon, Ice Twisters
9. For the young or young at heart, tune to Cartoon Network.
Watch these feature-length cartoons with your youngest relatives. Or just watch by yourself — good animated flicks are wasted on children, anyway, and we’re not here to judge.
Starting at 12 p.m.: Tom and Jerry’s Giant Adventure, Tom and Jerry and the Wizard of Oz, Chill Out, Scooby-Doo, Scooby-Doo and the Samurai Sword
10. For adventure-seekers, tune to TNT.
Add some excitement to your day with a slew of fast-paced adventures. These are largely fantasy adventures, but TNT decided to sneak Rush Hour 3 in there. Just go with it.
Starting at 9 a.m.: Race to Witch Mountain, The Time Machine, Spider-Man, Rush Hour 3, Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl, Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest, Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End
11. For fans of heartwarming made-for-TV Christmas movies, tune to the Hallmark Channel.
You either love these saccharine sweet Hallmark movies, or you hate them. Regardless, there are worse ways to spend your day than with Haylie Duff in a Santa hat.
Starting at 12 a.m.: Fir Crazy, Santa Switch, Debbie Macomber’s Call Me Mrs. Miracle, The Thanksgiving House, Santa Switch (again), Hats Off to Christmas, Catch a Christmas Star, The Christmas Spirit, Finding Christmas, Fir Crazy (again), Snow Bride, Window Wonderland, A Very Merry Mix-Up, The Christmas Ornament, Let It Snow
12. And for more heartwarming made-for-TV Christmas movies, tune to Lifetime.
See above, but instead of Hallmark movies, there are Lifetime movies. They’re basically interchangeable, if not a little less treacly. Your mileage may vary.
Starting at 8 a.m.: The March Sisters at Christmas, Christmas in Paradise, The Road to Christmas, Christmas Angel, Crazy for Christmas, Home by Christmas, A Very Merry Daughter of the Bride, Comfort and Joy
13. And for even more heartwarming made-for-TV Christmas movies, tune to Lifetime Movie Network.
Lifetime has made a lot of Christmas movies. Here are some more of them.
Starting at 6 a.m.: Holly’s Holiday, Christmas on Chestnut Street, On Strike for Christmas, 12 Men of Christmas, A Diva’s Christmas Carol, Holiday Switch, Home for the Holidays, A Country Christmas Story, The Christmas Hope
14. For the very confused, tune to Bravo.
Seriously, what? There is no rhyme or reason to Bravo’s Christmas movie marathon, but there are too many delightful movies here to ignore it entirely. If anyone can come up with a theme for this, please leave your suggestion in the comments.
Starting at 9:30 a.m.: Burlesque, Forgetting Sarah Marshall, How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days, Something’s Gotta Give, Steel Magnolias, Steel Magnolias (again), Gangs of New York
15. For true A Christmas Story diehards, tune to TBS.
All day long. ALL DAY LONG. Test your endurance, if you dare.
Starting at 6 a.m.: A Christmas Story (over and over again)
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