Warning: This post contains mentions of abuse, drug addiction, and alcohol addiction.
We recently asked the BuzzFeed Community to tell us what happened when they gave or received an ultimatum in a relationship. Here are the shocking results:
Note: Some submissions were pulled from this Reddit thread by u/KidRockOFFICIAL.
1. "I found deep love and understanding in a man much younger than me. We raised a daughter, weathered through feedback from both of our families, and supported each other through career and life changes. However, I gave an ultimatum of marriage or nothing. Once we left the ceremony, something inside of him switched. He married me because he loved me, not because he wanted to."
"He would go onto a years-long affair to 'find' himself, deceiving me, our daughter, and family before it was revealed. We have never been the same. Moral of the story? If you are given an ultimatum, understand that you become responsible once you accept it. Had he given me any insight into his wants or needs on the matter, we would still be married."
—38, Texas
2. "After some really bad relationships in my mid-20s, I got a dog who became my best buddy. A little more than a year later, I met my now wife, and she learned pretty early on that me and the dog were a package deal. Her family, however, are cat people. Since they were nearby, there were a lot of weekend get-togethers and overnights, but her mother's apprehension over my dog was pretty evident. My wife and I were getting very serious, talking about marriage, and I confessed to her that I didn't feel like the dog was welcome around her family — notably her parents — even though he had no issues. Basically, I told her it was me and the dog or neither."
"She told her mom to get used to the dog or we wouldn't be able to visit anymore. We've been together 10 years and have been married for eight. Guess we both gave ultimatums?"
3. "After 10 years of marriage, I told my husband he needed to get mental wellness aid or I was leaving and taking the kids. The violent outbursts, the road rage, the destruction of our home, the rampant spending followed by extreme remorse, and promises to be better had gone on long enough, and I didn't want our children walking on eggshells around him any longer. I told him that I loved him, and I didn't want to leave him, but his refusal to seek help was detrimental to their mental health. So, he did."
"It took almost three years of therapy and some trial and error with medication before he really reached total stability. But now, nearing our 20-year anniversary, he is mentally in the best shape of his life. I am so very proud of how far he has come, and how committed he is to his family."
4. "I was given an ultimatum. This guy told me that if I wanted the privilege of dating him, then I needed to change my entire personality and do everything he wanted to do. Apparently, liking cartoons and dinosaurs and wanting to spend time with my family instead of in smoky bars made me 'immature.'"
"I lost 180 pounds the day he told me that."
5. "My boyfriend of four years told me it was either my dad or him. That was the moment he became my EX-boyfriend."
"Some backstory: My dad had been diagnosed with leukemia, and I was taking care of him; I was really the only person he had. My dad and I were very close, and he was my only parent. Apparently, taking him to his chemo appointments and grocery shopping was too much time away from my ex."
6. "My sister-in-law told my brother-in-law that if he didn't marry her, she would take her kid, and he would never see them again, so he proposed. Everyone told him he was making a mistake. Three more kids later, and they are now divorced, and she's making his life hell and continues to threaten to take the kids away."
"Thankfully, the biological father relinquished his rights, and BIL adopted them, so he has rights with all four kids. We don't want to say we told him so, but..."
—34, Canada
7. "I had been falling in love with my best friend, and after drunkenly kissing him at a party, we sort of transitioned into this weird gray area where we were 'just friends,' but would make out and cuddle and spend every single day together. I was head over heels for him — but he was reluctant to make it an official relationship because he was about to graduate college, and I was only a sophomore, meaning we would have less than a semester together before it became long distance. He didn't want to ruin our friendship. Well, I finally told him our friendship was already ruined; I was too in love with him, and it was agony to be around him all the time. I said that he either commits to dating me for real, or I would have to step away from the relationship completely."
"He said, 'Ok, fine! We can date!' I made him ask me out properly! We've now been together for 12 years, married for six, and we're expecting our second child. He will often thank me for 'bullying' him into the best decision of his life."
8. "I told my live-in, off again boyfriend of 10 years that he needed to marry me, or it was over. We married, and 18 years later, I filed and got a divorce. I regret giving him that ultimatum. I wish I hadn't been so afraid to be a single mother. I was just tired, wanted help, and wanted more children, but that never happened."
"Here I am now. I'll probably live the rest of my life alone; I haven't dated in years and wouldn't even know how to flirt. On the other hand, now that I have made this decision, I am beginning to feel more like myself, so who knows!"
—64, California
9. "I was dating a woman long distance for about six months. From the start, I knew she drank and did other things to let loose, and it never bothered me because I thought it wasn't an addiction. I was wrong. Every time we were supposed to FaceTime, she either would bail on me to fuel her addictions with friends, or when she did finally call, she was drunk or high. One day, while she was sober, I finally said she had to try getting it under control (with my support and help as much as I could) or I would have to walk away."
"She never even tried to get it under control, and I couldn't keep watching her destroy her life because it was starting to mentally take a toll on me. I told her I was done, and I walked away. It has been years, and we haven't spoken since I told her goodbye."
—23, United States
10. "I gave a man an ultimatum: Marry me or at least propose, or I’m done. He didn’t, and then I met my husband! Never had to give him an ultimatum because after our first date, he told me he was going to marry me, and he did."
"He’s helped me recover from my toxic ex."
11. "On our first date, the guy who turned out to be 'the one' told me a story with an ending of 'I don’t do ultimatums.' 18 months in, this 'friend' appeared in his life. I tried to navigate it several ways, but felt off and wasn't speaking my mind. I started telling myself: I know what I am worth. I trust myself. Finally, I confronted him, fully prepared that it may be the end of us, and told him that she could absolutely not be in our lives in any way — or I could not be in his life any longer. I was shocked when his response was, 'Okay, done.' After that night, we had a wild week that ended with another serious conversation. In that second conversation, he promised me she was gone and asked me to promise to never bring it up again."
"He passed away unexpectedly six months later, and I found out that he never spoke to her again after I gave him the ultimatum. There is obviously so much more to this story, but my takeaway was and is: Never hesitate to stand up for yourself. It’s worth the risk."
—35, Alabama
12. "I was actually the one who gave the ultimatum. A couple of years after I finished college and still lived in New England, I was with this guy who I LOVED, but I've always wanted to live down south (I hate snow. I strongly believe my depression episodes were worse when I lived up north because of the snow). So, when it came time for me to move, I told my ex I wanted him to come with me because I don't do long distance, and I pretty much figured I would NEVER go back to where we were. The ultimatum boiled down to either move with me, or we will need to break up."
"He chose to stay, and I still left, and truthfully, it was the best decision we both made. I have grown so much and have a career I love, and while Florida can be a hot mess, I frankly love it here (the weather, the nature, the scenery, all of it). And while he is still the same, he's happier than he would've ever been with me."
13. "After almost four years together and three and a half years living together, I told him to marry me or get out. I knew I loved him and wanted forever, but I was done waiting for him. In retrospect, his reasons to wait were valid. We were only 22, hadn't finished college yet, were not financially stable at all, but I wanted to know he was in it for the long haul. In the end, he did propose. That was 12 years ago, and neither of us regret it."
"We've had two kids, moved across the country, and are stronger than ever. He jokes that I pressured him to propose, but the reality is, he wouldn’t have gone through with everything if he wasn't ready. He announced on our way home from our honeymoon that he was ready for kids and issued his own ultimatum. I wanted kids but wanted him to finish college first. Both our girls remember his graduation, and he missed a week of school when our youngest was born 😂. I wouldn't change a thing, and neither of us regret issuing ultimatums."
—34, Canada
14. "I was seeing this guy long distance, and was making plans to sell my house, quit my job, and move to his state to be with him. Mind you, I was the one making all the sacrifices in this relationship. Well, just as I was about to submit another job application, he texts me and tells me that his former stepdaughter was having trouble being away from him and that he would be devoting all of his extra time to her — regardless of me being in the picture."
"When I expressed my hesitation at this arrangement and told him I was upset, he told me to stay upset, and that this was happening no matter how I felt. Needless to say, I ended things right then."
—39, United States
15. "She told me it was her or my car. Money for me was tight at the time; I wasn't struggling, but I couldn't afford many luxuries and needed tires for my car, but she wanted to go on a shopping trip. When I say I needed tires, the fronts had turned into slicks. I told her I couldn't afford to give her money because I needed to put it towards my car — and explained to her it was a huge safety issue — she gave me an ultimatum."
"I chose my car and safety."
16. "'I can tell you're holding back emotionally, and this really won't work unless you let that wall down. It doesn't need to come down completely, but I need a key for the gate at least. I can't be with someone long-term who doesn't let herself feel.' My very smart husband said this 11 years ago when we were best friends trying to navigate being together romantically. He could tell I wasn't all the way in and called me on it. I warned him I'd fall in love too quickly with him. He told me to let myself feel whatever I felt, even if it was scary."
"He was right... and so was I. A month later, I was fully madly in love and TERRIFIED. It worked out, luckily! But not without him saying that to me."
17. "The relationship was already toxic — we weren't compatible. At one point, I found myself giving an ultimatum to my partner saying it was either their friends or me. The reason was that their friend group was filled with gossip, backstabbing, lying... You name it. Either way, giving an ultimatum was out of character for me, and the second I said the words 'your friends or me,' it hit me. If someone said this to me, I definitely would not want to be with that person."
"I was being dragged down into that toxicity and becoming someone that I'm not. Eventually, they said they are picking me over their friends, but I said I want to end the relationship. So, we can say it worked out well."
—25, Turkey
18. "After spending several years getting acquainted with a military man, he proposed. After I declined, he offered me an ultimatum to accept or get dumped. Many years later, he contacted me via social media. He said he never married due to my rejecting his proposal. I declined his proposal due to his being prone to explode in anger periodically."
"After reminding him of his abusive traits, it wasn’t long before he exhibited he still had it. Needless to say, there’ll be no reunion."
—58, United States
19. "My fiancé gave me an ultimatum on the timing of our wedding. Basically, he wanted to get married *right now* even though we had agreed to wait and actually plan a whole shindig. He said it's now or maybe never. I got nervous and said OK, but then backed out."
"Then, he convinced me again. So now, we're going on 14 years of wedded bliss, and he only regrets his ultimatum sometimes. ;)"
20. "Some guy I was seeing told me that I was not 'ladylike enough.' He said I swore too much, announced when I had to pee, called him dude, and generally acted like a guy. I guess he wanted me to change, but...I dumped him instead."
21. "After being married a few years, I told him I didn’t want to have kids with him. His parents were horrible, always putting work before him, and he was practically raised by his aunt. They put him in awful situations as a child, even dangerous ones, leaving him behind so they could do their own thing. His mother is textbook manipulative and emotionally abusive. His father didn’t have an emotional connection to him at all. With that as an example, how could he possibly be a good parent? Well, he stepped up — he wanted to prove to me that he wouldn’t be as crappy a parent as his own."
"We have two kids now, both teenagers, and he is an awesome dad; he's involved and has great relationships with both kids. His parents are still pretty sh*tty grandparents, so we’ve never really allowed them to be responsible for anything for the kids and keep them emotionally at arm’s length."
—46, Canada
22. "My boyfriend wanted me to move in, but he was allergic to cats. He said I either could prove I loved him and was ready for an 'adult relationship' by getting rid of my cats, or we were done. We'd only been dating four months."
"I tried to explain that getting rid of pets I'd had since high school was a d*ck move I wasn't willing to make after a few months. He said I was a silly child who loved useless, disgusting animals more than humans. We were done."
23. "Early in our dating, my husband told me he was a homebody and didn’t like vacations. I love to travel and told him it was a dealbreaker — either we went on vacations together or the relationship was over."
"We started traveling together, and he grew to love it. Fast-forward 25 years, he travels constantly for a living, and I miss him being home."
—45, United States
24. "My ex was in school for massage therapy; I had moved up in my catering job from dishwasher to prep cook. We lived in the city, but she was adamant that when she finished her course, she wanted to move back to her small town. I wasn't going to start over when I was on my way up in my job at the time. We split up not long thereafter."
"No regrets. It was a toxic relationship in the end."
25. "I was just starting out on my own, but I got laid off. My ex said she’d leave me if I considered moving back to my folks. It was a good motivator to become more resilient, which I appreciated. The relationship ended because I wasn’t going to live with her, either. I had to grow up independently."
—Anonymous, United States
26. "My boyfriend at the time was drinking every single day. He had a friend who he always got wasted with, so much so that he ended up in the hospital one time. They were going out, and I told him to have fun, but to please be careful and not drink too much. I got a call at 1 a.m. from his grandparents asking if I knew where he was. I called the bar he was at, and I found out that he got so bad that he threw up all over the bathroom, so they kicked him out. I finally reached his friend, and he said that he'd just dropped him off, and they had gotten into a physical fight. I gave him an ultimatum the next day — it was either the alcohol or me."
"He chose me and was sober for eight months. He is drinking again, but it's nowhere near as bad as it used to be. We're even getting married next year!"
—25, Texas
27. "My (then) boyfriend once gave me the ultimatum of him or my best friend, because he felt uncomfortable and emasculated with me having a male friend. At the time, I chose my boyfriend, cutting contact with my friend — which wasn't hard at the time as we didn't have cellphones and my friend doesn't do social media. Months later, when we got our cellphones, I opened up the lines of communication with my friend."
"Which was for the best, because not long after, my boyfriend cheated on me and left me for the other woman while we were trying to conceive. My best friend and I talk and see each other regularly now, and he's on douchebag patrol for me."
28. "I was 19 years old and finishing my college exams. While I was in college, my boyfriend of three years (also 19) was not. He told me that he had booked a vacation to Las Vegas, the flight left in two days, and that I had to go with him. I told him I couldn't because I was trying to finish my exams, and he threw a hissy fit. He told me that if I didn't go to Las Vegas with him, then he would break up with me."
"Needless to say, I didn't get on that plane."
—25, Florida
And finally...
29. "My ex was the king of ultimatums. Whenever he gave me an ultimatum about anything, I always chose the opposite of what he wanted just because I didn't like ultimatums. He didn't want our baby to sleep in the same room with us, but he also refused to get up at night to feed the baby when it was his turn. I always had to do it, and I was working at the time, so I was exhausted. I said if I had to keep getting up, I was going to keep the baby in a basinet beside me to make it easier to go back to sleep. He said either the baby goes back in his room, or I sleep in the baby's room. I moved into the baby's room and slept on the floor for months."
"The baby and I slept soundly while my ex was lonely in bed. We divorced, of course."
—49, California
Have you ever given or received an ultimatum in a relationship? How did it go? Let us know in the comments below.
Note: Some responses have been edited for length and/or clarity.