The Definitive Ranking Of Ben & Jerry's Flavors

Excluding vanilla and those Greek yogurt spin-offs because this isn't a f***ing joke.

The contenders: only flavors currently in circulation in the U.S. So if you're looking for Schweddy Balls, Oatmeal Cookie, Late Night Snack, or other beloved retirees, you'll have to head over to the the flavor graveyard.

42. Pumpkin Cheesecake

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This is ice cream, not Thanksgiving. Back off, squash-kin.

41. That's My Jam Core

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Nobody came here for seeds in their goddamn teeth. Go home, jam, you're drunk.

40. Banana Split

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Banana splits are better IRL.

39. Chunky Monkey

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Unpopular opinion: This shit is bananas. B-A-N-A-Not good.

38. Strawberry Cheesecake

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Again, as with most things involving fruit, you're better off fresh.

37. Pistachio Pistachio

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Don’t get me wrong, pistachio is without a doubt the sexiest nut. But ice cream just isn’t her scene.

36. Red Velvet Cake

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RED VELVET IS A SCAM, PEOPLE. IT'S JUST FOOD COLORING OPEN YOUR EYES.

35. What a Cluster

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So much potential, but what are these caramel clusters even? Chewy and mysterious — and not in a good way.

34. Vanilla Caramel Fudge

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So vanilla. I take my fudge hot and drizzled across my chest or not at all.

33. Triple Caramel Chunk

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Boring. Knockoff Rolos. No.

32. Everything but the…

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Everything but the WHAT?? *dumps down drain*

31. Mint Chocolate Cookie

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More like Meh Chocolate.

30. Phish Food

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Who still listens to Phish?

29. New York Super Fudge Chunk

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So many chunks, so little time. This one's not worth the effort, especially for folks on that #NewYorkMinute grind.

28. Peanut Butter Fudge Core

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I get it — chocolate and peanut butter were made for each other. Tell me something I don't know.

27. Coffee, Coffee BuzzBuzzBuzz!

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Calm down, Coffee, Coffee. You're trying too hard.

26. Peanut Butter Cup

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I'm pretty sure Reese's already has rights to this.

25. Chocolate Peppermint Crunch

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Ditto the Girl Scouts. But this'll do in a pinch.

24. Vanilla Toffee Bar Crunch

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RIP Heath Bars* :(

*Discontinued when B&J went GMO-free. This off-brand toffee is fine for now.

23. Coffee Toffee Bar Crunch

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(See above. Weep. Eat.)

22. Chubby Hubby

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At 340 calories per serving, this is far and above the fattiest of all flavors and potentially offensive to actual chubby hubbies. *shamefully spoons*

21. Candy Bar Pie

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The love child of ice cream and this actual candy bar pie? Sure.

20. Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough

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This is the ex you keep coming back to — he'll always taste great, but you can do better.

19. Coffee Caramel Buzz

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Booze automatically cracks the top 20.

(For those in search of Scotchy Scotchy Scotch, sorry, but it never contained any actual Scotch...)

18. Karamel Sutra Core

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Maybe just an excuse for an ingenious innuendo, but I'd still like to throw that river of caramel on its back and **** it till I ****ing ****.

17. Spectacular Speculoos Cookie Core

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Speculoos/cookie butter is super trendy right now, so kudos to B&J for jumping on the bandwagon. But the cookie chunks are distractingly crunchy, making this one good but not quite spectacular.

16. Chocolate Therapy

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Cheaper than real therapy and run through with pudding? Don't mind if I [insert Freudian slip].

15. Hazed & Confused Core

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B&J's answer to another trendy spread — Nutella, one smooth-ass motherfucker.

14. Peanut Buttah Cookie Core

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You had me at "crunchy peanut butter sugar bits." *grabs EpiPen*

13. Cheesecake Brownie

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What's better than gobs of chewy cheesecake brownie chunks? Gobs of chewy cheesecake brownie chunks swimming in cheesecake slop. Yes please.

12. Chocolate Fudge Brownie

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Pro tip: Let this one sit out for, like, an hour before consuming. Then work into a lather and rub over entire body.

11. S'mores

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Oh hell yes. Look at that chocolaty, marshmallowy sheen. Take me to a fire, strip me down, and feed this to me on a stick.

10. Boston Cream Pie

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Having never been to Boston, I can only assume this is what it's like: soft, pleasant, and surprisingly well-spoken. A wicked pissah 'cream if I ever saw one.

9. Milk & Cookies

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Forget calcium chews, ladies. Knock back a pint of this daily and kiss your brittle bones good-bye!

8. Cake Batter

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All the joy of spooning uncooked cake batter with none of the salmonella — a true victory for the raw food movement.

7. Americone Dream

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As always, Colbert thinks outside the cone. And then he puts that cone inside his ice cream. Because America.

6. Peanut Butter Half Baked

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Half Baked's nutty cousin is great, but will never really live up to her predecessor. We're still happy to have her, though.

5. Half Baked

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The veritable king of all things gooey and/or stoned. Ben and Jerry know their audience and we know that this shit is, like, sooooo good, man.

4. Boom Chocolatta Cookie Core

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A newcomer, but holy hell just look at that thing. The cookie core is like Nutella on crack, thick and grainy in all the right places, and swaddled in a caramel cream that will make all your dreams come true.

3. Salted Caramel Core

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Yes, that wad of salted caramel is a lot to handle. But take a deep breath, let it soften up, then swirl it all together with the sweet cream. You won't regret it.

2. Cherry Garcia

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Somehow this one just works. A perfect balance of fruity, chewy, chunky, and chill, Cherry Garcia knows what she's doing and she does it well — just like her truly badass namesake. Deadheads, rejoice.

1. Cinnamon Buns

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If you've not yet spooned these buns, kindly shut up, get up, go buy a pint, and then thank me. Because this flavor is heaven-sent — the queen of gooey, godly, sugary excess. You like cookie dough? You'll love cinnamon bun dough, especially when it's smothered in not-too-sweet caramel ice cream and cut through with veins of straight-up cinnamon sugar smack. Seriously, if I could mainline this shit, I would. But let's start with a spoon and work from there.

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