leslieg4

Who I am neither changes constantly, nor forever remains the same. I am a contradictory, hypocritical, simple, complex mad alchemist. One day I will be the leader of a cult. You will either love me, or hate me. I love me, and hate me. I know more than I should. I think more than I should. The more answers I receive, the more questions I ask. I cannot be summed up in a few lines. I am beyond the human ability to be described or explained or defined. Except that I am indescribable, unexplainable, and undefined. I like it this way. I really hate these *About Me* things. To describe who I am is a very difficult thing for me to do. I would imagine that to REALLY describe oneself is a difficult thing for anyone to do. Hmm. I have been through a lot that most people my age couldnt fathom, and I say this with conviction. I became a Heroin addict at the age of 18. I used until the age of 22 when I was caught in an investigation. At the time, I was with my boyfriend of 5 years. He was 'smart' enough to have swallowed the dope that we bought, and we both were able to avoid any sentences or real charges being pressed. After that, I got on Methadone. I am currently on Methadone, and have been off of Heroin since June 18th, 2008. On July 25th, 2009, a little more than one year after my then boyfriend and I were arrested, he passed away of a Heroin overdose. I do not think that the things I have been through, should be experienced by anyone..and yet I chose them. I am very much still an addict. I have just traded one substance for another and I am well aware of that, however, the changes that Methadone has made in my life I simply cannot dismiss. Being on Methadone has given me back my life to a great degree. Although I am still completely dependent upon going to the clinic everyday for my dose, I no longer worry about where I will get the money to get well that day, I no longer risk my life and my freedom to obtain the substance. I have a routine, I have gained back the trust of my loved ones. One day soon I hope to even be off of Methadone. Those things have been the ultimate defining moments in my life up until this point. For most of my adult life I was a Heroin addict. A junkie. That was my identity and needless to say, I was happy with it. I embraced it, as most junkies do. So when I got off of the Heroin, I felt I lost my identity. It felt like I had been shoved back into Junior High School...a lonely, weird, pre pubescent girl who didnt know jack shit about herself and who she was. Because of the bad decisions I have made in my life..I am reliving those very awkward and scary years. I am once again forced to discover who I am. I have been given another chance to create myself. So this is me. I am someone I really do not know quite yet..but I am slowly getting to know myself, and so far, for the first time ever..myself and I are great friends. I like it this way.

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