If you are a '90s girl, you have seen Labyrinth, the fantasy/adventure movie starring a young Jennifer Connelly and a not-so-young David Bowie.
We first meet 15-year-old Sarah in the park where she is rehearsing lines. In costume.
Then comes the haunting Jareth, aka King of the Goblins, aka David Bowie.
No! He's toying with her. Toyyyying. This is obviously a sex game.
He agrees to give Sarah's baby brother back if she can solve his labyrinth within 13 hours.
As the movie progresses, we get to know Jareth a bit more ...
He is a king who hangs out with singing Muppets all day long. This is very sexy.
And then Jareth decides to really toy with Sarah. This is basically 50 Shades of Grey for kids.
Contemplating his lust for young Sarah.
It's in the ballroom sequence that everything gets weird. Because CLEARLY THERE IS A CONNECTION.
And the lyrics David Bowie sings clearly indicate that he's fallen deeply for her ...
Except Jareth has spent the entire movie trying to harm Sarah. Do you love her or hate her? WELL? WHICH ONE IS IT, GOBLIN KING?
But then there you go again, singing all about how this girl is your one true love.
I'm starting to feel like this is all a setup. How long have you been in love with her, David Bowie? How long have you been planning this whole thing? None of this is Sarah's fault.