Unless you want to talk about the phallic nature of Pinocchio’s nose, there’s not much to get worked up about in this story about a puppet’s quest to become a real boy. (Although technically “becoming a real boy” would imply the acquisition of a human penis.) However, once Pinocchio gets to “Pleasure Island,” there’s some pretty kinky stuff going on there — smoking and drinking and donkey transformations.
11. Alice in Wonderland
There’s little that’s overtly sexy in Alice in Wonderland. She has that moment with the Caterpillar, who kind of has a seductive vibe. Like, it’s entirely possible he might run the Wonderland brothel. But, overall, Alice has no love interests. Why did we like this movie again?
Mulan’s relationship with her romantic interest, the strapping Li Shang, is pretty tame. They don’t even kiss. WTF.
So, yes, the Prince and Cinderella make a pretty hot couple. But their relationship is coated in Purell — their foreplay appears to be ballroom dancing, aka the opposite of grinding. And dancing is really not fun if your genitals are just so far away. They kiss at the end. On the lips. So, yeah, there’s that.
8. Peter Pan
Peter and Wendy may be thought of as a Disney couple, but their interactions are pretty tame. When you think about it, though, Peter is kind of a hot item — after Wendy, there’s Tinkerbell who will always be a jealous bitch to Peter’s girlfriends, and remember the mermaids who are Peter’s “friends”? THEY AREN’T WEARING TOPS! There’s almost boob.
7. Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs
There’s definitely a weird vibe going on here — a young woman living in a house with seven men who are all clearly obsessed with her? But when it comes down to it, you know those dwarfs are asexual and would freak out if Snow White actually put the moves on them.
The only action we get is that kiss (no tongue even!) at the end.
6. Sleeping Beauty
Oh sheeeeiiiit, dammmnnn…remember this hot, hot moment when Prince Phillip sneaks up on Aurora from behind her while she’s singing in the forest? This is how you should meet every boy every time. I mean, yes, it’s kinda creepy, but whatever.
There are some allusions to The Tramp’s reputation with the bitches. In the lyrics to the song, “He’s a Tramp,” it would appear as though The Tramp gets around quite a bit. I feel like he is the spirit animal of male hipsters with halfway-decent bands everywhere.
4. Beauty and the Beast
Did anyone else ever feel that Belle and the Beast’s relationship should have just stayed in human-beast form? The idea of it is weird, of course, but he seems so much hunkier as an animal.
Of course, the other layer of sexy in Beauty and the Beast comes courtesy of Gaston. Yes, he is a total douchebag…but didn’t you also kind of fantasize about him? Haven’t we all — at one point or another — dated a Gaston?
Tell me that you did not once think about what it might feel like to have Gaston’s meaty, hulking biceps wrapped gently around you, feeling the strength radiating from them, knowing they could crush you at any moment.
3. The Little Mermaid
So, for a good part of the movie, Ariel is basically naked except for a bra and she’s super hot. There are definitely some special interactions between her and Eric…
Like this one. Hello! These two have mad chemistry.
Look. At. That. Hand.
But the unintentionally hot moments happen between Jasmine and Jafar. This is totally a Fifty Shades of Red situation.
And this is just downright steamy and suggestive.
Oh, snap, see the way he pulls that boat forward? Yesss. Pull that boat forward, John Smith.