"Chips are great in all their varieties, from shit to fancy."
"Yeah, they're like the Martin Freeman of potatoes: loveable, goes with anything, makes you feel good about yourself. The everyman potato."
"Big, fat, vinegar-soaked chippy chips are the best though."
"Why is it so hard to find a decent chippy in London?"
"You know, it's very confusing for Irish people in England because we call a chippy 'the chipper'."
"What about the scraps you get in the chippy?"
"*bits."
"Amazing in a sandwich."
"Ooh yeah, they'd give real texture to a chip buttie."
"Tee hee hee, 'buttie'."
"Bits/scraps mean fish shop chips, which are clearly the finest chips available."
"Deep-fat-fried. None of this oven chip malarkey."
"Oven chips are manky. The end."
"Nans love boiled potatoes."
"They like to have them reliably present on every plate because who'd want a meal without a simple potato?"
"The only thing to do with boiled potatoes is let them cool, slice them up, then fry them. Eat them with a fried egg and beans."
"That's the kind of reason nans like to have a few boiled, just in case."
"I'm a nan at heart."
"Microwaved jacket potatoes can GTFO. At least bake it and let the skin go crispy. Let it have some joy."
"Is it wrong to not eat the skin? Like cut it open, eat everything inside, and then leave the skin on its own and throw it away?"
"It's tip-top canteen food, though."
"A canteen jacket potato is a truly depressing lunch. Just sitting in a big strip-lit room eating a potato."
"A heavy, single potato."
"Always in a polystyrene box."
"I haven't eaten a jacket potato in at least 10 years. And I don't miss them. Sorry, jackets."
"You can't eat mashed potato without feeling 5 years old again, and that is a gift."
"It's like eating a hug. A warm, buttery hug."
"We've all just eaten mash straight from the pot, while sitting on the couch watching Friends, right?"
"Often. With a spoon and a ton of butter and salt."
"I was shocked when I found out people don't leave the skin on their mash. Who has time for peeling? This is comfort food."
"We live such busy lives but I'm pretty sure that we all have enough time to peel off the bloody skin before mashing some potatoes, thank you very much."
"This has kind of blown my mind. You can mash with the skin on? It's a whole new world."
"Tend to opt for a bit of mustard mash if I'm having it with a pie."
"Horseradish mash. Oh good god, yes."
"No way, mash is mash. You do not flavour the mash. No cheese, no horseradish, no garlic."
"Garlic is OK. But keep it simple. No need to be getting 'notions' about your mash."
"Garlic! Not where I'm from. Not in my day."
"New potatoes are the most delicate kind of potatoes."
"It's like they can't hurt you. Even if you eat a whole pound of them."
"They're so tiny. So innocent."
"Tender and supple."
"The veal of potatoes."
"You couldn't get fat from eating such refined little potatoes. Impossible."
"New potatoes need to get over themselves."
"Christ, yeah. Roast potatoes, pile 'em high. I love when they're over-crisped on the outside just a little bit."
"No roast potato is as good as what your parents cook. None that you can cook yourself."
"That's because you only ever cook Aunt Bessie's."
"Aunt Bessie's are a NO."
"Don't you dare mention even that hussy's name. Make 'em fresh."
"If you had any other food and it was the texture of gnocchi, you'd think that something went dreadfully wrong during the cooking process and would send it back."
"But when it IS gnocchi, then it just feels so right."
"It's pasta AND potatoes! How can you fault it?"
"Pastatoes!"
"Witchcraft."
"Sweet potatoes are clearly superior to your run-of-the-mill potato in every department."
"Preach. Sweet potato mash? Incredible. Sweet potato crisps? Yes. Jacket sweet potatoes? GET IN MY FACE."
"But they've recently been co-opted by gym monkeys who shove it down for ALL THE GAINS."
"It's so sad – they deserve more than to be shoved on the side of kangaroo meat and broccoli to help lads get a Hugh Jackman body."
"Lads are having bantz about sweet potatoes instead of protein shakes these days: 'Mate, have you tried them with Nando's sauce? Off the fookin' hook.'"
"I think sweet potatoes are smarter and more self-aware than you're giving them credit for."