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87 Thoughts I, An American, Had While Watching "The Bachelor Australia"

Two words: anal glands.

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1. I should have gotten some wine for this.

2. Wait is there moscato in Australia?

3. JK, booze is like $3,000 here.

4. WATER IT IS.

5. Here we go.

6. The "best date he's ever gone on" better be a trip to the Olive Garden.

7. I can't believe Australia doesn't have the Olive Garden.

8. How can you live?

9. I wish I looked as good as these women when I woke up and ate breakfast every morning.

10. Um, dressing like superheroes = not the Olive Garden.

11. Why is Sam's doorknob in the middle of the door?

12. Also, I would literally never answer the door if someone knocked. They can call.

13. Did it really catch you by surprise, Sam?

14. Are you sure the producers didn't tell you she was coming?

15. OMG THEY'RE DRIVING ON THE WRONG SIDE OF THE ROAD.

16. Haha, JK, kind of.

17. WHERE WERE THEY KEEPING THOSE WORKOUT CLOTHES??? They weren't carrying bags.

18. Also what exactly is Sam wearing to work out? Where are the gym shorts with your favorite sport's team logo on it?? Where is the cut off T-shirt??

19. I am HERE for the Australian men style. Those short shorts. Yes.

20. Please teach American men how to dress, ty.

21. Um, if my date made me work out I would literally leave.

22. Where does one acquire superhero costumes?

23. A photo shoot is not an adventure, you guys.

24. Unless you're having a photo shoot to try to get a new profile picture, in which case I understand.

25. These ladies seem way too thrilled about going on a date with a guy who is dating several other women at the same time.

26. If a guy asked me out on a date and then asked three other women as well, I would say no.

27. Unless there was really good food involved. Then I might say yes. Maybe.

28. I feel like superheroes MAYBE shouldn't spend their time having a photo shoot.

29. NO THEY ARE NOT GOING TO JELLO WRESTLE.

30. I'm not sure this is so much "sexual tension" as it is "I want to wrestle you because this date sucks so bad and I need some entertainment."

31. If this is the best date Sam has ever been on I am very concerned.

32. Again, has he ever been to the Olive Garden?

33. Maybe they went to an Australian version of the Olive Garden but the portions were so small he forgot about it. That's probably it. 😉

34. Heather just got super hero-zoned. Heh.

35. Oh my god, Sam talking about his mom is actually making me tear up. Please hug him, Heather!

36. OK, she didn't hug him, it's fine, I guess. I would hug you, Sam.

37. Side note, Sam looks super good in green.

38. Oh god they are about to have the talk.

39. Thank god they have wine.

40. Is it Goon? I just assume everyone in Australia drinks Goon. Sorry.

41. DOESN'T SAM KNOW THAT YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO DATE YOUR BEST FRIEND? That's like Cory and Topanga 101.

42. Can Sam please kiss her or…

43. Oh thank god.

44. OK wait, make it stop now.

45. Oh my god please stop kissing.

46. This is almost worse than witnessing a first date IN REAL LIFE.

47. These girls scream a lot, but I'm into it.

48. For a motivational speaker, Joni isn't very motivational about the beach.

49. I think this date is less about you guys interacting with each other and more about him seeing you all in bikinis.

50. Side note: Where is this beach and can I go?

51. Hahaha what Sam isn't turned on by the discussion of anal glands? Weird. Personally it does it for me.

52. For being in swimsuits, this is not a hot date.

53. Um, I wish I looked like Joni after being taken under by a wave.

54. QUEEN JONI TAKING COMPLIMENTS. "You look great." She knows.

55. Hasn't Sam ever heard the old saying "Opposites attract"? He's gonna have to get better excuses, tbh.

56. Snezana, you have "some sort of connection?" … Girl, you guys are about to literally get married. Or have sex. I don't know which. Maybe both.

57. Hahaha it was definitely not an accident that they kissed.

58. I don't accidentally kiss people, tbh.

59. Like if I'm about to taste everything someone else has eaten since they last brushed their teeth it's for sure on purpose.

60. YES, I AM HERE FOR THE HOT GOSS.

61. I am legitimately scared of Heather right now.

62. Jasmin is queen of gossip and tbh I am here for it.

63. This "present" doesn't look like food so I'm unsure about it already.

64. But will he kiss her?

65. Lol. Nope.

66. He is for sure never going to hang this poster up.

67. But tbh I wouldn't either because like... that would require buying some sort of hanging device. And I can't be bothered.

68. OH SNAP TWO GIRLS GOING HOME.

69. Anal glands is gone for sure.

70. Can these women please teach me how to do my eye makeup though?

71. Heather's facial expressions are literally going to haunt my dreams tonight.

72. I do not remember most of these girls names, if I'm being honest.

73. Does Sam have to study their names every night?

74. I would.

75. HAHA anal glands, I think she knows that the "game is over."

76. Oh her name is Laura.

77. Sorry for calling you anal glands, Laura.

78. Is Heather crying?

79. Why.

80. Joni just shimmied out of the room like a goddamn hero.

81. Australian accents make literally everything better.

82. Like, you could tell me that I was stupid, but if you said it in an Australian accent I would probably agree with you.

83. If I was on this show and Sam told me I wasn't getting a rose I would probably still be happy because he said it in his accent.

84. Sorry.

85. I have officially started the petition for this to play in the states.

86. FORGET the American Bachelor hosted by Chris Harrison. I need more Osher Günsberg.

85. Oh my god, Sam is making them wear bubble suits next week.

86. He is pretty much the worst at planning dates.

87. So obviously I cannot wait.

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