Ladies and gentlemen of the world, pull up a chair. Take a seat. And put on your big-boy pants. Because we need to talk about something. Something SERIOUS.
It has come to our attention lately that everyone and their mother has been praising the fast-casual "Mexican" restaurant known as...CHIPOTLE.
And we're here to ask why. WHY?!?
Look, we get it. We're both twentysomethings with student loans who consider shopping at H&M instead of Forever 21 "splurging." There's a certain appeal to a nice meal under $10...
...BUT we need to pump the brakes. Before we have Pope Francis canonize a fucking burrito bowl, let's get real here: Is Chipotle really as good as everyone makes it out to be?
The answer, if we're being brutally honest, is a resounding NO.
First off, let's talk about how Chipotle burrito artists (or whatever they're called) grill you on the spot like they're Diane fucking Sawyer with all their damn food questions.
It doesn't get any better when you get your food. Have you ever tried to eat a burrito at Chipotle? It's like they wrap a pound of meat and beans in a sheet of wet tissue paper.
So you might order a burrito bowl to be safe...except the combination of three salsas, sour cream, and guac means your bowl looks like the Exxon Valdez oil spill all over again.
Or you might think it's a good idea to order sour cream...and it looks like a cow's udder accidentally ruptured right over your burrito bowl.
And why is there so much lettuce???? If we wanted a salad, we would've just ordered a damn salad.
Of course, there's the matter of how much food you're actually eating at Chipotle. We're of course talking about "Chipotle Baby Syndrome" and it's a very, very real thing.
After eating at Chipotle, it feels like you're in your third trimester and your water is about to break any minute. You're gassy, bloated, and emotional, and wondering how a fricking burrito did this to you.
But we all know the most #PROBLEMATIC part of Chipotle: THEY CHARGE EXTRA FOR GUAC!!!
Like what type of business model is this??? The main reason you even GO to Chipotle is for the guac...like, could you imagine a car dealership that told you an engine was extra???
Seriously, Chipotle would be at least 50% better if guac was free. Someone should make this a part of their presidential platform. Bernie? Hillary? Donald? ANYONE?!?!
So wake the HELL UP people, and realize the obvious: Chipotle just isn't *THAT* good.