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101 Thoughts Of The Unemployed

If I just keep telling myself I don't need a full-time job, I'll stop shaking and crying.

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1.What day is it?

2.It's totally Wednesday.

3.Let me check my email to see if any companies emailed me back.

4.Nope, just Old Navy starting an email with "CONGRATULATIONS!"

5.They're congratulating me due to the fact that I am now invited to buy $1 flip flops.

6.In 2009, I bought three pairs of $1 flip flops and left them on the L train.

7.I'm still kind of upset about it.

8.Somewhere, a girl in Bushwick is wearing five-year-old neon pink $1 flip flops and I (clap) want (clap) my (clap) money.

9.BBHMFF (Bitch better have my flip flops) (lol)

10.I wonder what Rihanna is doing right now.

11.I think we'd be great friends.

12.She already has a Katie in her life however.

13.And she spells her name with a y.

14.Y KATY PERRY Y?!

15.I really need a job.

16.Sometimes I can't fall asleep at night because I'm unemployed LOL

17.Don't worry tho, nelnet still sends me "Happy Birthday" emails every year.

18.Nelnet is like a boy who treated me like eight-day-old pad thai, who just won't leave me alone.

19.Why are they called Nelnet?

20.Wait: I don't care.

21.I hope to one day make enough money to somehow track down Eddy Cue and force him to make it so that I never receive a message regarding my iCloud ever again.

22.I GET IT iCloud, I KNOW I HAVE NO SPACE LEFT.

23.NO, I'M NOT GOING TO PAY A DOLLAR FOR MORE CLOUD SPACE.

24.I'M LIKE JASON SEGEL IN THAT SEX TAPE MOVIE I DO NOT UNDERSTAND THE CLOUD

25.My mom asked me to explain the cloud to her once, literally had no idea what to tell her

26.I need a job.

27.I've tweeted Oprah so many times.

28."@oprah please help me lol"

29.I also don't understand why Barack Obama won't forgive my loan debt OR finance my Rihanna-Kanye tickets.

30.I didn't even ask for both, I just asked for either.

31.@BarackObama like i'm not picky #Godblessamerica

32.Omg I'm so happy for all the people I graduated with who have great jobs and dental benefits lol lol

33.If my teeth fall out of my mouth tomorrow I totally won't be bitter LOL

34.I'm still really into that olympian who rescued all the stray dogs from Russia.

35.His name is Gus and I follow him on instagram.

36.He's super perfect but if the universe was all "Katie choose between him and a fulltime job" I would be like Gus you sexy but momma need to pay her bills

37.I hope he never reads that because if he ever looked in my direction I'd probably actually shatter into 7.000 pieces.

38.I work a part-time job about five days a week and last Saturday I had the day off.

39.That night I may have consumed a lot of alcohol and my cousin's roommate looked at me and said "You're shattered."

40.Is shattered like a synonym the youth is now using to describe inebriation?

41.It's too artsy. Like just say, "Gurl you drunk, pull it together, you accidentally just FaceTimed your mom, etc."

42.Oh my GOD, at which point do you think my mom is going to refuse to pay my phone bill?

43.Like will I ever make enough money to pay a Verizon phone bill?

44.Does ANYONE make enough money to pay a Verizon phone bill?

45.I'm going to go on Twitter.

46.Twitter will find me a job.

47.I know i'm at the bottom of the barrel when I find myself logging into LinkedIn.

48.JUST KIDDING, LINKEDIN KEEPS ME LOGGED IN FOREVER

49.I'm always reminded of this whenever I accidentally creep someone's LinkedIn profile and remember that they will get a notification that I did so.

50.LinkedIn: As subtle as a bullhorn.

51.If you join a group on LinkedIn, they will email you every time a member of the group posts something.

52.Every. Single. Time.

53.Today I got an email from a Linkedin group.

54."AP Style tip: Craft brewery"

55.I really don't want emails from LinkedIn about craft brewery unless they are financing a personal trip to a craft brewery.

56.My roommate and I attempted to go to a craft brewery a few months ago.

57.We got really lost.

58.The bus driver kicked us off the bus.

59.The uber driver couldn't find us.

60.My roommate hasn't graduated yet.

61.I really need a job.

62.Someone legitimately gave my address to the Dr. Oz magazine.

63.Like, how do I prevent future deliveries?

64.Nothing against Dr. Oz, but one's mind can never forget an entire television program dedicated to feces.

65.The preview was like "BLACK POOP GRAY POOP SOLID POOP—WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN?"

66.And with that, I'd like to die now.

67.Dr. Oz probably goes home and rolls around in money.

68.Organic, vegan, gluten-free money.

69.At my part-time job customers are obsessed with gluten.

70."Aside from the oat-part of the granola, is the granola gluten free?"

71."…………"

72.If you've ever woken up thinking, "WOW, I really want to hate the human race today!" I've got a job prospect for you.

73.….work in food service.

74.Watch all hope you have for humanity die.

75.A slow, painful, oily death.

76.So today is actually not Wednesday.

77.My roommate still hasn't given me a check for the cable bill.

78.How will we ever have a group-watch of THE BACHELORETTE?

79.Caitlyn is my life-idol.

80.On a scale from 1-anchovies, I wonder how much my landlord hates me.

81.I can't believe she allows cats in this apartment and not dogs.

82.That's some SHIT TO THE BULL, ANNETTE.

83.Not having a full-time job makes me want to cry.

84.People are all "you'll have your mom's health insurance until you're 26, don't worry!"

85.I'M GOING TO BE 26 LIKE TOMORROW

86.Like haven't you ever been to a Hallmark?!

87.There are always cards and posters about how life is full of blinks and stuff.

88.Like you blink twice and you're 32

89.The government is going to make me work at the DMV to pay off my student loans

90.They're going to start a new program to have door-greeters to try to assuage the reputation of the DMV.

91.GOD PLEASE NEVER LET THIS NIGHTMARE COME TO FRUITION!!

92.One time I didn't have enough proof of ID and the DMV and I cried.

93.Not as much as I cry every day internally because I'm unemployed.

94.Girl just wants a j0b.

95.I love when some teachers are all "Follow your dreams"

96.And other teachers are like "You can either be comfortable and stable or happy with your work and broke lol lol"

97.Maybe I'll just rob a bank.

98.I won't actually rob it, I'm just going to go into the bank and ask for the money really, really politely.

99."Can I please have five million dollars? I'm going to use it to pay of some loans and buy a lifetime supply of dog clothes for a dog I have yet to own."

100.My mom is worried.

101.What day is it?

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