Things you can say...
1. I'm sorry, but it's not really any of your business.
2. I don't know. Pass the pie!
Things you can say...
3. Because I know Santa Claus doesn't exist, and I'm really bad at keeping secrets.
4. I am allergic to being sticky.
5. Because I know some parents don't vaccinate their kids, and I'm really afraid of ever having to socialize with any of those people.
6. Because it would be impossible for me to keep all these Mad Men spoilers to myself for 18 years.
7. Kids have really bad taste in music.
8. I don't like to hang out with anyone who doesn't keep up with current events, even if they are only two.
9. I've gotten really good at swearing, and it would be a crime to quit while I'm at the top of my game.
10. I'm more of a dog person.
11. I don't like having to share my macaroni and cheese.
12. Because I don't want to have to be the designated driver every time we go out.
13. I don't have the best track record with plants.
14. I'm already spending 18 years and thousands of dollars trying to get something out of my life, and it's called my student loans.
15. I like going to the bathroom by myself.
16. I'm bad at putting cribs together.
17. Because it's pointless to watch Sesame Street with anyone who isn't going to get all the cool adult references.
18. Because I've already seen all the good kids movies a thousand times.
19. My cats voted against it.
20. I spent all my kid money on beer.
21. Because kids actually don't go for very much on eBay, if you can believe it.
22. Because I've already smelled your kids. Pass the pie!
Things you can say...
23. Because having a child to keep myself from being lonely or bored is cruel. Loneliness and boredom are temporary. Children are forever.
24. Because having a child just so someone will take care of me when I am old is selfish and also kind of a risky investment. Like, what if that kid dies or hates me?
25. Because I value traveling/work/my hobbies/my life.
26. Because I do not feel like I am missing out.
27. Because to me, kids seem like a cool Hawaiian vacation: a great place to visit, but I wouldn't want to live there because I would run out of money.
28. Because I don't want to have kids right now, and I could change my mind, and either decision is OK. Pass the pie!
There you go! You should be all set for the holidays, now!
