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80 Thoughts Everyone Has When They Buy Goldfish Crackers

♫ scary music ♫ GOOOOONEEEE GOLDFISHIN'.

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1. I really shouldn't buy Goldfish crackers.

2. I really shouldn't buy Goldfish crackers.

3. You know what happens when you buy Goldfish crackers.

4. We've talked about this.

5. Please don't buy Goldfish Crackers.

6. I'm buying Goldfish Crackers.

7. I'm just going to have a couple of fishes in the car on the way home.

8. Oh yeah.

9. That's the stuff.

10. Sticking your hand into a new bag of Goldfish feels like plunging your hand into one of those barrels full of dried beans at the grocery store.

11. Why did I ever think this was a bad idea?

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12. I

13. love

14. the

15. fishes

16. 'cause

17. they're

18. so

19. delicious

20. I'm just going to have a couple of handfuls of these in the car on the way home.

21. How did this fish get inside my shirt my shirt?

22. How many handfuls is a serving?

23. I can stop any time I want.

24. Should I just use the spout to pour the fish directly into my mouth?

25. Maybe if I just close the spout, I'll be less temped.

26. OK! I'M CLOSING THE SPOUT!

27. I'm opening the spout again.

28. It's not like I'm going to eat all of these.

29. Of course not.

30. Impossible.

31. There are plenty of Goldfish here.

32. When my significant other/roommate gets home, they'll help me with these.

33. You know full well you aren't sharing these with anybody.

34. Shut up, disembodied spirit of Goldfish cracker addiction!

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35. Don't look at the nutrition facts.

36. Don't do it.

37. Trust me on this.

38. You've gone too far now.

39. Don't do it.

40. AHHHHHHHHHH

41. I LOOKED

42. I LOOKED

43. I LOOKED

44. WHAT HAVE I DONE TO MYSELF WHYYYYYYY

45. ::eats a handful::

46. …but also, this is made with smiles? What the fuck?

47. Ughghg, my mouth is really starting to feel like I'm licking the ocean.

48. I really should stop.

49. Maybe if I just put the carton way up on the top shelf in the kitchen, I'll stop.

50. You know that won't work.

51. You would climb the tallest mountain to get to Goldfish.

52. You crave that mineral.

53. OH GOD IT'S TRUE.

54. Maybe if I just throw all the Goldfish crackers in the garbage, I'll have too much shame to eat them out of the trash.

55. Wow.

56. This is actually happening.

57. I am sitting here alone and unsure as to whether or not I would eat food from my garbage can.

58. ::eats a handful::

59. ::eats a handful::

60. ::eats a handful::

61. ::loses time::

62. Oh god.

63. Oh god no.

64. I can see silver at the bottom.

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65. I have hit the bottom.

66. I have literally hit rock bottom.

67. But I just bought this...

68. ::checks clock::

69. Three hours ago?!

70. OK.

71. I have a couple of questions for myself.

72 How did I eat an entire carton of Goldfish crackers, and more importantly,

73. Where did the last three hours suddenly go?

74. If I throw this empty box in the dumpster outside, my roommate/significant other will never know this even happened.

75. Why does this feel like I am trying to bury a body?

76. Goldfish is truly the wholesome snack that smiles back, until you bite their heads off.

77. Because then they stop smiling, and just proceed to haunt the fuck out of you.

78. I have truly... gone Goldfishin'.

79. I am a shell of a person.

80. I wonder if the store is still open so I can go back to buy some more Goldfish crackers.

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