I'm the kind of person who spends most of October hitting mute at record-breaking speeds whenever an ad for a horror movie comes on.
I've never seen a scary movie, but a lot of them sound interesting to me.
I'm getting a little tired of watching moves like Clueless over and over again, so I decided to finally take the plunge and watch the top rated horror movie on Rotten Tomatoes: Us.
My main fear going into this is that it will give me nightmares, so then I'll wake up and start watching TikTok to distract myself, and then the Screen Time Management guy will have to come to my house personally to make sure I'm okay.
So, with a Venti-sized homemade iced coffee already making me a lil anxious, I dove right in.
It opens with some background information about the abandoned tunnel systems in America.
Now we're getting another history lesson. Hands Across America? What is that? The only time I've heard of it is when Ms. Fleming mentions it during "Shine a Light" in Heathers: The Musical.
It's 1986, and we're at the Santa Monica Pier.
I'm already proud of myself for how far into the movie I am. I didn't make it past the opening credits of Midsommar.
This isn't Disneyland anymore. Adelaide just walked away from her parents to explore the Vision Quest funhouse.
Addy hears someone calling for her. It's like the voice Elsa followed in Frozen 2.
She finds out that her "reflection" is actually another little girl who looks exactly like her, but TBH it didn't catch me off guard. Maybe, because I have an identical twin, this just feels normal to me.
As it fades into the title card, we see bunnies! They're so cute!
Now in the present day, we see that Addy has grown up to become part of a "stick figure family on the back of the car" type of family.
Who's hiding under the cabinet?
Gabe, oblivious to the mounting suspense, makes everyone come outside to see his new boat, the Craw Daddy.
I feel like I'm being lulled into a false sense of security with all the pretty sets and fun music and Gabe's obsession with that boat.
Now they're home, and the creepy look-a-like is outside with her creepy look-a-like family.
Okay now I'm really starting to worry about how I'm gonna sleep tonight. The doppelgangers are in the house. That mask boy is going to be in my nightmares. I had to watch all of his scenes like this.
Her voice sounds painful. Someone should make her a cup of tea.
I'm a little bored at this point. I want more of Gabe and the Craw Daddy. I mean, you can't just give us something named the Craw Daddy and expect us to forget.
The scary Addy reminds me of Jade from Victorious. Does anyone else remember her weird obsession with scissors? What was that about?
The Untethering! That's why they all have scissors.
Shadow-Abby unleashes her Tethered family to attack their real-world counterparts.
Craw Daddy to the rescue! They're getting out of here.
Meanwhile, their friends Josh and Kitty from the beach meet their own evil doppelgangers.
Let's be real, the true horror here is Shadow-Josh's choice of footwear.
This is getting kinda scary again. Ophelia, play "You Need To Calm Down" by Taylor Swift.
Addy's family arrives at their friends' house for safety, but they find the other family murdered instead. The Tethered family attacks Addy, but Zora and Jason work together to take them down.
So the Tethered are everywhere now? And they're doing Hands Across America?
Great thinking, Gabe.
Addy used the scissors! Does this mean she's going to start acting like one of the shadow people now?
Shadow Jason is back, and he's snapping! Is this about to turn into West Side Story?
NOOOO JASON!!!
The Tethered chain leads Addy right back to where it all began.
BUNNY.
Then there was US.
Addy, being the absolute queen that she is, overcomes her demons (quite literally), putting an end to the Tethered and saving Jason.
She even got Jason a pet bunny!
Now Addy and her family can all live happily ever after, right?
Wait, why aren't the credits rolling?
Wait, the Tethered dragged her down there as a little girl???
Our Addy has actually been Shadow Addy THE ENTIRE TIME????
And now JASON might be one???
UGH THE TETHERED ARE STILL OUT THERE WITH THEIR CREEPY KUMBAYA.
The credits are rolling, and I'm shaking a bit.
Okay, final thoughts:
I was not as scared as I expected to be.
It probably would've felt much scarier if I'd watched it in a dark theater rather than my bright pink bedroom with flowers everywhere at 11 in the morning. I think I'll still be avoiding slasher films for the foreseeable future, though.