The Top 12 Halloween Costumes Of 2014

Are you sick of showing up to your cousins’ Halloween Party dressed as one of 10 “sexy” Marios? Did you think you’d blow everyone out of the water this year dressing up as Stefon, only to find Party City sells a pre-made Stefon costume-in-a-bag? Well, fear no more; here are 12 totally original, and completely topical Halloween costume ideas for the 2014 season* *nothing Ebola related will appear on this list because I am a paranoid germaphobe and that sh$t is real.

12. Sexy Groot

http://HalloweenCostumes.com, "Mean Girls," Photoshop / Via halloweencostumes.com

This one’s for the self-proclaimed “guys-gals.” You like to think you’re one of the guys with a funny dude-appreciated Guardians of the Galaxy themed costume, but not without sacrificing your “amazeballs” figure and potentially purchased breasts. Buy a tree costume, cut two holes in it over the breasts a-la “Mean Girls,” and you’ll have everyone yelling “SHE IS GROOT” by nightfall.

11. A Tina Turner Impersonator on a River Boat Casino

Splitsider / Via splitsider.com

Everybody’s doing it! But check with your gal pals before committing to the pricey wig and red glittery fringe dress; if two of you show up in it be prepared for a passive aggressive twitter war!

i.e. “@idie4KTperry: UGH, @literallytswift stole my costume. If you want to see the og, hotter version: check out this picture”

10. Secret Service Evaders

Photograph: Lynn Goldsmith/Corbi Lynn Goldsmith / Via theguardian.com

Do you have topical political inclinations this Halloween, but have common sense and don’t want to offend literally EVERYONE IN THE WORLD by dressing as an Islamic insurgent? Well then this is the costume for you!

All you need to do is get a group of friends together; dress one as an Army vet, one as a Security Guard, a couple other in plain street clothes, and your black friend as Obama! Don’t forget to walk calmly like you own the place. Jack-knife and guns not included.*

*if you live under a rock, this year a lot of people evaded the Secret Service in a short amount of time. For example, a military vet managed to climb the White House fence, and a security guard rode in an elevator with The President while secretly armed.

9. A Secret Service Agent

Flickr, Christopher Walker / Via Flickr: soylentgreen23

All of your friends decided to go as the Secret Service Evaders, but didn’t include you? Insert yourself into the fun by dressing as a Secret Service Officer! This one is DIY: Just wear a black suit with a badge, put on a big ole pair of noise cancelling headphones, a sleep mask over your eyes, and hang a “Do Not Disturb” sign around your neck.

8. Pharrell’s Hat

NY Post, http://Overstock.com, Shutterstock, Photoshop

This is for anyone who wants something a little more mainstream, but doesn’t want to wear pants! Super fun DIY project too: Get a trashcan. Cut arm holes and eye holes in it. Paint it brown. Attach a rim to the bottom made out of brown painted poster board. Glue a brown pillow on top. Voila!*

* here is a sort of complicated link for finding out how to cut up a trash can: http://www.instructables.com/id/How-to-make-a-Cardboard-Top-Hat/

7. An ALS Activist The Ice Bucket Challenge

Life News

This one is super easy and requires minimal effort! Carry around a bucket with ice in it. Dump it on your friends as a greeting! When asked questions about what you are doing or why you are doing it, all you have to say is something like “I don’t know” or “ I saw it online and it looked fun!” or “Chris Pratt did it!”*

* Chris Pratt getting liquids dumped on his muscles: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B_iCIg2oCCs

6. The Spirit of Joan Rivers

Diary of a Hollywood Street King, http://becuo.com, Photoshop

Are you a big fan of the late comedienne like I am? Get a blonde wig, lots of jewelry, a fur collar, and hot pink lipstick. Scotch-tape a few parts of your face back, and stick on a pair of devil horns. [To those of you who find this offensive, realize this is about Joan Rivers so she would have found this to be a compliment.]

5. JJ the “Pantsapreneur” from the Bachelorette

ABC, Bustle.com / Via bustle.com

This one’s easy; just find a pair of hideous obnoxious pants and fasten a wilted rose to your lapel. Then never stop reassuring everyone that you like women.

Click here for applicable pants: www.delias.com/category/jeans

Not a Bachelor franchise junkie like me so you don't know what a Pantsapreneur is? It's exactly what it sounds like.

4. "Hans" from "Frozen"

Tumblr / Via princeofthesouthernisles.tumblr.com

You’re still singing the soundtrack to “Frozen!” but you don’t want to be just another Elsa out there in the crowd. Dress up like “Hans,” the least impactful character in the movie! Much like the Pantsapreneur, you will spend the entire night never letting it go that you definitely might like women.*

*Substitute patterned pants for a cropped Beefeater-inspired blazer and a purple ascot.

3. Ray Rice

ebay / Via ebay.com

Can’t leave the sports fans of the world out. Dress up as the most hated man in professional sports!**

Your friends will be sure to get a kick (and a few knock-out punches) out of it!

2. Donald Sterling

The Huffington Post / Via huffingtonpost.com

The NFL wasn't the only pro-sports league this year to see its fair share of off-field media attention: here is something for all of you NBA fans out there! This costume you could buy in a bag…at Party City stores below the Mason-Dixon line.

**According to a 2014 Gallup poll, Donald Sterling and Ray Rice are tied for the “Most Hated Man in Professional Sports”

1. Urban Outfitters

The Huffington Post / Via huffingtonpost.com