Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to celebrate the statuesque beauty of the one, the only, Jonathan Majors.
You probably recognize him from a lil' thing called "Marvel," where he currently plays the new big bad Kang in Loki and Antman and the Wasp: Quantumania.
Or perhaps you recognize him from the upcoming Creed III, where he'll be taking on Michael B. Jordan.
But what you might not know is that he's been stealing hearts in projects for years, from the delightfully strange Lovecraft Country to indie dramas like The Last Black Man in San Fransisco.
And — while it's undeniable that he's slowly but surely becoming the most sought-after actor of his generation — we're not here today to talk about his immense...talent.
Oh no, friends! Instead, we're here to talk about the way he fills out a shirt:
And why he's a "gateway" to being the "Sexiest Man Alive." I mean, he even talked about how he's pretty much already the "Sexiest Man Alive" on pure association while on The Late Show, so we might as well make it official:
Looking at him at first, I was just concerned he'd never find anything to fit across the majestic span of his shoulders, and over the sensuous curves of his arms:
But then I was ensorcelled by his sculpted torso — a sight so spectacular, I can only imagine the workout routine involves some form of witchcraft(?):
Truly, look at the range on this man! Serving us red carpet:
And "man in uniform":
He's even played a cowboy! There's truly a pic of him for everyone's unique interests:
But what got ME so caught up WAS NOT the way his muscles glisten in California's golden hour, oh no, it was HIS LITTLE GIGGLES IN THIS VIDEO RIGHT HERE!!!
Because — despite the fact it'd be physically impossible to wrap my arms all the way around him for a good cuddle...
...I just want to hold him like I'm Shrek and he's Fiona. 😭
So, in short, thank you for your service in thirst Jonathan Majors...