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101 Thoughts I Had While Watching The Season 5 Premiere Of "Game Of Thrones"

How the hell is Sam still alive? Spoilers ahead.

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1. Thank god for recaps.

2. OK, Tywin died on the shitter. The dragons are going cray. Daenerys is badass.

3. I think I'm caught up.

4. Oh shit, did Lancell kill King Robert? Should I already know that?

5. I forgot Ygritte died. RIP.

6. But I mean, if I fucked Jon Snow I could die happy.

7. UGH, and Oberyn. RIP.

8. Pour some out for Oberyn and Ygritte.

9. JK. I would never pour out alcohol.

10. And here comes the 15-minute intro.

11. Let me get some snacks/call my mom/pay my bills.

12. Wait. Whose HBO Go password am I using right now?

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13. Is this little Cersei? She's got the hair for it.

14. Oh, and the attitude. Damn.

15. Yes, two 12-year-olds should definitely wander the dark forest into the creepy, abandoned hut. What a wonderful idea!

16. Wow, that witch was pretty chill for being woken up abruptly. She basically whispered, "Get out."

17. This little girl's a bitch. It's gotta be Cersei.

18. "The king will have 20 children." That sounds exhausting.

19. Wait, does that mean there are 20 Baratheon babies running around?

20. Cersei's braids are a thing of beauty.

21. Do they NEED to put those creepy little stone eyes on the dead?

22. I'm kinda going to miss Tywin.

23. Nah. I won't.

24. You know who I miss? Khal Drogo.

25. Jaime looks good this season.

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26. God, I cramp up after a two-hour car ride. I can't imagine chillin' in a crate for weeks.

27. How would he go to the bathroom though...?

28. Oh, welp. Question answered.

29. Still not sure how I feel about Varys.

30. Like can he please take his hands out of his pockets for a second?

31. For being stuck in a dirty crate with his own shit for weeks, Tyrion looks pretty good.

32. He's kinda got the lumbersexual vibe going with that beard.

33. Damn. Tyrion does the boot 'n' rally like a true pro.

34. Cool how Daenerys is living in pyramids straight outta Egypt.

35. Who's this dude hitting up a brothel?

36. I thought the Unsullied have their things cut off?

37. OMG he just wants to cuddle and have her sing to him. This is so cute.

38. Can I date an Unsullied or what?

39. OH SHIT. It's all fun and games till your throat gets slit.

40. "Angry snakes lash out. It makes chopping off their heads that much easier."

41. "Yaaass Queen. Yaaass." —me, every time Daenerys says anything

42. OK Missandei and Grey Worm are so cute together.

43. Hey, Jon Snow. Missed you.

44. "Shouldn't you be training too?" —Gilly, hoping Sam stops being such a pussy

45. God, I hate Sam.

46. HOW IS HE STILL ALIVE THOUGH, HONESTLY?

47. I feel like everyone's hair got darker this season?

48. Gilly's is definitely darker.

49. OK the fire lady's hair got darker too.

50. What's her name? Melisandre?

51. OK Melisandre is 100% making eyes at Jon Snow in this elevator thing.

52. Don't blame her, tbh.

53. "Are you a virgin?" This must be the longest elevator ride of Jon Snow's damn life.

54. Stannis, why did you choose to have this conversation at the top of the Wall in the freezing cold?

55. Why not a nice indoor place with a bearskin rug and fire?

56. Like HELL the Wildlings are going to march in Stannis' army. They're WILD 'n' FREE.

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57. SANSA'S HAIR GOT DARKER TOO. What's going on here?!

58. Lysa's son might be worse than Sam. Maybe.

59. That's what you get for breastfeeding the kid till 12, I guess.

60. Podrick and Brienne are a cute duo.

61. Podrick's just trying to hang out and Brienne is being a real dick.

62. OH THE IRONY. SANSA PASSES IN A WAGON 10 FEET FROM BRIENNE.

63. This show just likes to fuck with us.

64. Margaery is making some serious moves on that teen Lannister.

65. Cousin Lancel looks a lot hotter with his cult makeover.

66. I can't even tell if that's the same actor.

67. Ah, so Lancel DID kill Robert.

68. Margaery just so casually walks in on her brother doing it.

69. Girl's like, who's this thot?

70. Is Cersei and Loras' engagement still on?

71. I think Cersei will burn all seven kingdoms to the ground before remarrying.

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72. I hope Tyrion keeps this beard. I'm really digging it.

73. I'm glad Varys' hands are out of his damn sleeves this scene.

74. "Who said anything about him?" OH SHIT. Smash those gender stereotypes.

75. If Daenerys and Tyrion team up all will be right in the world.

76. And cut to a scene of Danny taking zero shit.

77. God, look at Daario eye-fucking her during this meeting.

78. OH YAAASS. DAARIO'S ASS YES.

79. Daario's ass is the real MVP of this episode.

80. How do they have sex without birth control though?

81. Wouldn't everyone just be getting pregnant all the time?

82. George R.R. Martin and showrunners, please don't kill Daario. I beg you.

83. I don't even know what Daario is talking about. He's too beautiful to listen.

84. I could have stood more time with naked Daario but time to unlock the dragons, I guess.

85. Oh shit. The dragons have been cooped up for too long.

86. These dragons are like 5-year-olds hopped up on sugar and stuck in the house during a snowstorm.

87. GTFO of that chamber, Danny.

88. What's the king from beyond the Wall called again? Munch?

89. I wouldn't join Stannis' army either. Not with that crazy red witch on his team.

90. Death by fire. That's messed up.

91. Does everyone HAVE to watch him die?

92. Well, I gotta admit the Lord of Light has been good to Melisandre's skin. Girl's flawless.

93. Stannis' crazy-ass wife is way too into this burning ceremony.

94. Sam is literally using Munch's death to make a move on Gilly right now.

95. Look at that fucker, acting like he's on a date to see a scary movie.

96. Jon Snow coming in like a hero with the mercy kill.

97. Shoot, hope he doesn't get in trouble for that.

98. IT'S OVER?

99. NONE OF MY FAVE CHARACTERS DIED?

100. SAM'S STILL ALIVE?

101. KHAL DROGO IS STILL DEAD?

*chugs wine*

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