1.
i'm gonna do this wack ass crash diet vogue printed in the 70s and die
2.
boys prioritize their household necessities so weird. I’m currently in a house w/ no shower curtain in the bathroom, but 3 TVs in the living room
3.
my physics prof's memes are improving every week
4.
Listen, I don’t know about you. But all I see is a Teddy Bear with huge knockers.
5.
DID YOU WRITE THE OPED
6.
me: I need to buy new stamps so I'm not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston me: how are you doing this friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
7.
Denver International Airport is really trolling y’all conspiracy theorist with their new construction signs 😂
8.
every x-men movie: wolverine: gonna fight magneto everyone: dude your bones are literally made of metal wolverine: gonna fuck him up -later- wolverine: AHH MY BONES
9.
in 2007 if you wore a long sleeve t-shirt under a regular t-shirt it meant that you liked music
10.
My Mom Is Telling Complete Strangers They Should See “MAMMA MIA”,BECAUSE...HER DAUGHTER (👑CHER🌟) IS STARRING💫IN IT‼️🙄 Thanx Mom...I’m In It 4 About a NANO SECOND⏲
11.
ur cousins are either ur bff’s or y'all don't fw each other at all
12.
Single at 23: “I have to go out and meet someone!” Single at 29: “If it’s meant to be the right person will find me in my home.”
13.
JUST HAD A JOB INTERVIEW AT WALMART AND THEY SHOWED ME A VIDEO OF ME SHOPLIFTING 😭
14.
today i discovered that a group of ferrets is called a business now when i “give someone the business” i will do so professionally, by handing over a bouquet of these long boys https://t.co/kuvbuMFTaD
15.
Every time I see a girl in her early 20's cry over a guy who is older and exponentially worse looking than her and probably doesn't own bedsheets who won't commit I'm like wow straight women need to unionize and demand better conditions
16.
yall ever wake up like
17.
i just checked my natal chart and turns out my sun is in dumb and my moon is in ass
18.
This dude let me fuck on the first date & wonders why i ain’t txt him back. I don’t fuck w hoes
19.
Today marks a year since I paid nearly £200 to be told my dog was faking struggling to breathe in order to be carried. https://t.co/rGfBKz6FKF
20.
my “fuck it i’ll get paid again” attitude is too toxic
21.
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO