1.
Why Apple is worth $1 trillion
2.
uhhh of course i’m going to see mamma mia 2 for the 500th time it’s called mamma mia here we go again not mamma mia here we go once
3.
ppl who r like Really Into Weed will hand me weed and be like “doesn’t this smell exactly like caramelized strawberry cheesecake” like no dude that smells like weed but i appreciate your enthusiasm
4.
the boys who lived here before us just stopped by to see the house and I asked about how this hole I️n my ceiling got there and this is how it happened.. idk what I was expecting, but I️t wasn’t that. https://t.co/TeeJfziVq4
5.
Me when I was 5: wow IKEA is cool Me when I was 15: wow IKEA is cool Me when I was 20: wow IKEA is cool Me when I’m 50: wow IKEA is cool
6.
have not stopped laughing at this text from my dad, a copy editor for Christ, since i got it yesterday
7.
please enjoy this masterpiece I spent way too long creating
8.
once i buy an overpriced planner for the school year that will help me pretend i have my life together for only about a month, its over for you hoes
9.
me making sure the barista sees me put money in the tip jar
10.
I present u all with my grandpa's cat, panson
11.
This was on my parents cruise breakfast bar this morning... shreks head
12.
My dad and I have a tradition of putting me in the Costco cart and now that I’m nearly 30 we realized it’s bordering on sad https://t.co/5PoPfbfpmO
13.
HR at my work just called me and i thought i was in trouble for something but they just let me know my 11-year-old sister has been commenting on their instagram every day telling them to give me a raise
14.
When you don’t get past the “talking” stage. https://t.co/1JXLU5RNR7
15.
My mom needs to stop this shit
16.
Throwback to that time I composed a magnet poem about werewolves and it was the deepest shit I ever wrote.
17.
Please make this go viral
18.
I dont need everyone to like me I just need for no one to be even the slightest bit upset at me ever
19.
DERMATOLOGIST: Your skin looks very young. ME: I’ve never smiled.
20.
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
21.
Not sure of source but oh my god?????
22.
Anyone who believes in massive global conspiracies has clearly never tried to plan a dinner with more than like three people
23.
he was a trader joe she said see you later joe
24.
I tweet for the girls that keep that black “office sweater” on the back of their chair because they keep the thermostat on Artic Tundra
25.
Trying to view my anxiety not as something menacing but just an annoying, unwelcome presence. Like a neighbor in a ‘90s sitcom
26.
halloween is approaching and i can feel myself getting stronger