I Rewatched "Holes" And I Have A Lot Of Thoughts
"IT'S ALL BECAUSE OF YOUR NO-GOOD DIRTY ROTTEN PIG-STEALING GREAT-GREAT-GRANDFATHER."
I was utterly obsessed with the movie Holes as a kid. I probably watched it at least a dozen times and my sister and I even had the soundtrack on CD. I was thinking back on this the other day, and I realized I couldn't remember why exactly my eight-year-old self was so into this movie. So, I decided to rewatch it and find out. Here are all the thoughts I had during my quest...
1. This song just gave me so many flashbacks omg. “YOU GOT TO GOOOO DIG THOSE HOLES…”
2. Shia Labouf getting hit with shoes is ridiculously funny.
3. What kind of detective logic is this? Stanley has a basketball poster, so he must be a thief?
4. I have decided that I am now going to start blaming all of my problems on some no-good, dirty, rotten, pig-stealing distant relative.
5. Why is every man in this family named Stanley?
6. WHY IS THERE NO TRIAL? No lawyer?! Why didn’t Stanley's parents ask what Camp Green Lake was before shipping their son off? I can’t stand these people.
7. There should probably like, be a LAKE at Camp Green Lake, right? This is really bothering me.
8. Oh that’s right. Stanley is Yelnats spelled backwards. His first name is Stanley and his last name is Yelnats. That makes sense now…wait, no, it’s still weird.
9. They need to give these children WATER. So many laws being violated.
10. This man’s name is Mr. SIR? Doesn’t anyone have a normal name in this movie?
11. This whole camp seems very illegal.
12. X-ray, Squid, Armpit…yes, okay, I get it, you all have weird names.
13. Everyone is being so mean to Zero and I just wanna give him a hug.
14. I have concluded that having Clyde Livingston say you’re not a real fan is the worst thing that can happen to you. I can feel his disappointment.
15. How did Stanley’s great-great grandfather survive the desert with no food or water for 16 days? Is that possible? I’m gonna Google this.
16. Okay, so according to my search, you can’t survive for more than three days without water. I call BS on this story.
17. Take a shot every time Mr. Sir says, “This isn’t a girl scout camp.”
18. “You take a bad boy, make him dig holes in the hot sun all day, and it turns him into a good boy.” Um, I’m gonna need proof to back up that hypothesis.
19. I FORGOT ABOUT MADAME ZARONI OMGGG.
20. What kind of advice is this? Carry a pig up a mountain and then carry Madame Zaroni up the mountain? What? How does that help her get stronger? Why does she keep singing that woodpecker song? I have so many questions.
21. Why is Myra like this? She’s gonna decide who to marry by telling two guys to pick a number between 1 and 10? I wanna see this girl on The Bachelor.
22. Can't Madame Zaroni find another way to get stronger? It seems kind of extreme to curse an entire family for all eternity over this.
23. What the HELL kind of lizard is this? Is this The Gremlins?!
24. How many children have died from these lizards? Again, this seems extremely dangerous.
25. Stanley’s “Dear mom, I’m having a wonderful time at camp” letter sounds very close to the texts I sent my mom freshman year of college.
26. These kids are SO MEAN. Who steals someone’s letter to their mom? Who hurt you?
27. Armpit staring at the fossil and saying, “LOOK AT THE LITTLE FISHIES!” is me.
28. I love Zero. Zero is baby. Baby Yoda.
29. Wait. Magnet is at Camp Green Lake because he…stole a puppy? He’s a goddamn hero.
30. If I have to hear “my no-good, dirty, rotten, pig-stealing great-great grandfather” one more time I will scream. WE GET IT, STANLEY.
31. What exactly is Stanley’s father’s job? Does he just boil shoes all day?
32. “I feel sorry for the little old lady who lived in the shoe because it must’ve smelled really bad.” Stanley’s mom is a comedic icon.
33. Oh god. I forgot that Zero can’t read. I’m crying now.
34. I kind of like this warden. Am I supposed to like her? I can’t remember.
35. X-Ray getting to leave camp early for the day reminds me of when your friend would get early dismissal from school.
36. “She said she has microphones, not microscopes.” Did…did they just make a dick joke?
37. Something tragic happens to Ms. Katherine and Sam right? There’s no way they live happily ever after. What tragedy is coming? I can’t remember and I’m very anxious.
38. “No one says no to Trout Walker.” “I believe I just did.” I AM QUAKING IN MY BOOTS.
39. Wait, they take shower privileges away? You’re telling me their punishment is that they don’t get to shower? That’s so unhygienic. And isn’t that punishment for the rest of the camp too? Come on, nobody wants to smell that.
40. “I’m surrounded by cow turds” is the new “I’m surrounded by idiots.”
41. They’re gonna KILL SAM?? I hate these people. Shit. I forgot how sad this movie actually is.
42. SAM!!! NO!!!!! I’M CRYING.
43. Wait, I TOTALLY forgot Ms. Katherine becomes Kissin’ Kate. Best. Villain. Origin. Story. Ever.
44. What would happen if, hypothetically, someone just refused to dig holes? I’m just wondering. Has no one tried this?
45. The warden saying, “This is my special nail polish” makes me uncomfortable. Wait. Rattlesnake venom? The warden makes her nail polish out of VENOM?
46. Zero DUG STANLEY A HOLE. MY BOY.
47. I now aspire to be Kissin’ Kate Barrlow. Nothing else matters. Be gay, do crimes.
48. “Zero’s not my real name.” “It’s not?” Stanley, how dumb are you?
49. “I’m not stupid, I just don’t like answering stupid questions.” Same, Zero. Same.
50. Shit, I forgot how sad Zero’s backstory is. I’m crying. Thanks a lot. He used to sleep in the tunnel at the park?! Someone hug him immediately.
51. Omg Zero really just hit Mom with a shovel and ran. What an ICON.
52. I’m not sure exactly what Stanley thinks standing in the middle of the desert shouting Zero’s name is gonna do? Someone needs to send out a search party, stat.
53. Who the hell is this Twitch kid? You’re not Zero. I can’t stand you.
54. I looked down at my phone for two seconds and Stanley stole the goddamn truck. I have anxiety for him. Does he even know how to drive?? Isn’t he like 14? Oh…oh, he just crashed into a hole. I guess he can’t drive.
55. I just realized these yellow-bellied lizards are actually bearded dragons. We had one in my fifth-grade science class as a class pet.
56. Zero’s ALIVEEE! BLESS UP.
57. I don’t know what “sploosh” is, but now I kind of want to try some.
58. Okay, so let me get this straight. You have no water, no food. Nobody knows where you are. And you’re going to CLIMB A MOUNTAIN?!
59. “Maybe he found Zero and they’re both still alive.” “Maybe the tooth fairy and the Easter Bunny are still alive.” “Maybe my mom will stop drinking and my dad will come home.” Um. One of these things is not like the others. I’m concerned.
60. What does the kid who played Zero look like in 2019? I feel like he probably had a glow-up. Googling now.
61. Oh my god. The real-life Zero is 30 YEARS OLD NOW. And he’s HOT.
62. There is no way eating raw onions tastes that good.
63. How are Stanley’s parents not divorced? All her husband does is boil shoes and make her smell them.
64. Do peaches and onions actually get rid of shoe odors? Now I kinda wanna know.
65. Zero stole the shoes. I remembered this but somehow it’s still shocking.
66. Is it weird that I lowkey ship Zero and Stanley now? I wonder if there’s any fanfic about them.
67. Update: there is. A lot. I’m not sure how to feel about this.
68. THE CURSE IS BROKEN. Now they’re digging to find the loot!! That’s why they dig holes! This all makes sense now. It’s all coming back to me.
69. They FOUND THE TREASURE. BUT WAIT. IT’S CRAWLING WITH LIZARDS.
70. “At least now we’ll have a body to give her.” Is the warden…suggesting they kill Stanley?
71. Okay, there’s something WAY too funny about the warden’s grandpa just making her dig holes all day and yelling, “Well, TOO BAD!!” when she says she’s tired.
72. What is Mr. Sir’s obsession with girl scouts? It’s creepy.
73. ZERO CAN READ!!!
74. Stanley's lawyer is like, “Sorry, there’s nothing that I can do for Zero.” Really? Aren’t you a lawyer? Can’t you like, call child protective services? Or the cops?
75. The kids at this camp are fake as hell. Snakes. Now you think Zero and Stanley are cool?
76. Wait, wait. Mr. Sir has a criminal record and he’s allowed to run a juvenile detention center? And his real name is MARY? Nothing makes sense anymore.
77. It’s raining now and everyone is really happy about it.
78. Zero’s mom is BACK! She was looking for him too! I’m getting Finding Dory vibes and this all too much to handle. Sobbing.
79. “And that’s how the great-great grandson of Stanley Yelnats and the great-great-great-grandson of Madame Zeroni became next-door neighbors.” GOD, WHAT A TALE.