We all love Disney. We all love Pixar. But LOVE MAKES US ALL FOOLS. It makes us feel deeply protective and possessive of the things we love.
So today, we must acknowledge, debate, and then get super mad about this hellscape of a Disney/Pixar March Madness bracket that is going viral on Twitter:
Now, let's unpack all of this, starting with the Disney side.
Lion King over Tarzan? Fine. Lilo & Stitch over The Princess and the Frog? Correct. Tangled over Big Hero 6? Ehh, this is tough, but OK. Moana over Frozen? Good. But Hercules over Aladdin? Full stop, folks. Absolutely not. No.
Bad, but OK. The Little Mermaid beating Pocahontas is fine, and so is Mulan beating Zootopia. But if you think The Nightmare Before Christmas is a better film than Beauty and the Beast, then DO I HAVE SOME NEWS FOR YOU, BUD: It isn't.
Now, in the next round, The Lion King beats Lilo & Stitch, which is fine. Mulan beats The Nightmare Before Christmas, thank all that is righteous and good, but then TANGLED beats MOANA. And, worse still, HERCULES overtakes THE LITTLE MERMAID. How very dare???
And then, in the worst twist yet, Tangled beats The Lion King, and I just don't understand what world these choices took place in.
So this bracket is telling me that the two best Disney animated movies are Mulan and Tangled? Are we in Opposite Land? Is life a simulation? Are we kidding? But fine, whatever. Mulan won, which is livable.
Now on to the Pixar side. This is where things get truly bonkers. Up beats Brave, Toy Story 2 beats Toy Story, and Cars 3 beats Coco.
CARS 3. BEATS. COCO.
OOOOK. Wiping the sweat away and moving on. A Bug's Life beats Ratatouille somehow. Inside Out beats Finding Nemo. Monsters, Inc. beats Cars. And The Incredibles beats WALL-E.
DEEP BREATH, and onward. Toy Story 2 beats Up, fine. But A Bug's Life beats Inside Out? HARD DISAGREE. And then Monsters, Inc. beats The Incredibles! The only good thing here is that Toy Story 3 beats Cars 3.
Between those four, only Toy Story 2 and Monsters, Inc. survive, and then the final movie — the best Pixar movie ever made, supposedly — is Monsters, Inc.
We're left with Mulan vs. Monsters, Inc. This is woefully incorrect overall, but we all know the correct answer here, right? It's clearly Mulan.
BUT NOPE. MONSTERS, INC. WINS.
Incorrect. Unreal. Inconceivable.
In the end, this bracket pushed me to the limit of human tolerance. It tested me. But I have emerged a more confident fan. And now we can all fill out our own brackets:
Share yours below, and if Beauty and the Beast doesn't win, your bracket is wrong. OK BYEEE.