Recently Reddit user Fresh-Astronomer3666 asked the women of the community, "Women who do not have a lot of sexual chemistry with their spouses, how is your marriage going?"
Women got super candid and admitted deeply eye-opening truths about their sex lives. Having a sex life with their partner is either an extreme necessity or something they don't give a hoot about.
Their stories were so relatable that they inspired the BuzzFeed Community to share some of their own.
So, here are some women who revealed both sides of the coin when it comes to sexual chemistry:
Note: These submissions don't reflect a universal experience of sexual chemistry between partners. Everyone's story is different.
1. "My ex kept insisting something was wrong with me because what got him off didn't do much for me. This was symptomatic of the whole relationship — his way was 'the only way.' I wish I didn't care about sex, but this situation caused me a lot of pain and anxiety (especially because he would get aggressive and lash out at me for not having an orgasm). I always had to fake it — I never had a real one. I'm not sure I'll ever meet a man I'm compatible with, but it's already a relief to be out of that miserable relationship."
2. "I was the one who cut back on the sex because when I was septic in the hospital from a UTI that I got from having constant sex with him, he napped at his house and ignored my calls/texts. He didn’t have a problem with it while we were together (never once complained when I said 'no'). But then when we broke up he said, 'And yes I’m going to bring up the fact that you stopped having sex with me because that’s fucked up.' Men and women who rely on sex so much that it hurts your feelings when someone says no need to get therapy."
3. "Menopause, anti-depressants, and other conditions have turned this once pretty sexual person into a 'by appointment only' person. My husband gets it and is very understanding. We had a pretty rollicking sex life before, but since getting older, it’s kind of okay for him. All of that (and the thought of the kids walking in) has kind of curbed our enthusiasm."
4. "The lack of sex and intimacy was a factor in me breaking things off with my first girlfriend last year. In the nine months we were together, I could count on one hand the times we were intimate. She warned me at the beginning that she doesn't have the biggest sex drive, and on top of her chronic pain, being intimate isn't exactly the biggest priority for her. I understood — it's not exactly a huge thing for me either, but I like to have that option there because I do enjoy it. It ended up getting to the point where I felt she wasn't finding me attractive. I'd get disappointed when plans fell through, and by me going on about it, I came off as a 'pest.' It's a shame because that was the best relationship I've had to date, and we were each other's first girlfriends."
5. "I married him thinking the sex was…fine, I guess. Nothing special, nothing terrible. I had a lower libido than him, and I thought I’d just indulge him and get through it. Since then I’ve grown to hate it — I feel stuck. My lack of desire for it coupled with shitty communication led him to having an affair. I know intellectually his affair was not totally my fault, but sometimes I do blame myself. I also think he has a sex addiction. He wants to fix things with me. I think I want to get out, but I’m a giant 'coward.' I’m in my mid-thirties and feel scared about starting over, so I just feel…frozen."
6. "I would love to have sex, but if I get it once a month it's a miracle. He would rather pleasure himself and think about and look at other people than be with me. It's to the point I get turned off by the fact that he can get off every day (several times a day) when he has me a person who loves him. But I guess my feelings 'don't matter.'"
7. "This makes me feel better, conflicted, and seen? I have been in a relationship for seven years with a man who I’m deeply in love with, find so attractive, is sweet, kind, and funny. I want to spend my life with him — but we have never done it. He has low to no libido, and I think a myriad of other things (undiagnosed mental health concerns, religious upbringing, and stress from a job he hates) are all contributing factors. I’m okay with it minus the fact that I want to feel like I’m attractive. I want that validation from my partner, and it’s not happening. The few people I’ve confided in think it’s strange and unhealthy and that I should leave, but it’s strangely comforting to know it’s not just me (despite all the different outcomes)."
8. "When we first met in college, we were super hot and heavy (like you would imagine hormonal college kids in their twenties — think multiple times a day). The sexual chemistry was through the roof. However, we were so immature and constantly fighting that we would always make up and break up. Years later we reconnected and got married. Now as adults, the sex is nowhere near as hot and heavy. We rarely have sex but we get along great — we are each other’s best friends and love one another more than anything. Both of us have admitted to one another that it's not a loss of attraction or chemistry, but more about getting older and loss of libido. But when we do get it going, the passion is still there like we had back in our twenties. I think it helps us to know that we did once have that huge sexual chemistry. For a couple who's never had it, I can see how it may be tougher (at least we have the memories of the fire now that it's just a simmer)."
9. "I miss having a sex drive — I have not had one since I got diagnosed with what became Stage 1 breast cancer. I didn't know it was there — I caught it at my first mammogram in May 2018. At first it was the usual two lumpectomies, chemo and radiation, and then in December 2018 I started getting lupron shots to be on chemical-induced menopause to take anastrozole. I got my final lupron in September, and in early December my gynecologist said the drug's still in my system. My husband and I went eight months without sex — I want to feel 'normal' again. It's been over five years and I miss the urge, want, and desire to have sex. It is the one thing I hate that cancer took away from me."
10. "We haven’t had sex in almost 14 years, and it’s been rough (and before that, little to no sexual chemistry). I was so young and naïve — we are friends, but more like roommates with children and have a 'business' (which is running a family). I want out a lot, but I just don’t think I’ll leave at this point. It’s deeply unfulfilling. I guess I don’t have the courage and don’t want to see my kids 50% of the time or ruin the relationship I have with them. They would never understand and would hate me for wrecking what looks like a perfect family."
11. "We had no chemistry, but he was my best friend. We broke up because he wanted children and I didn’t, and honestly, I really miss his friendship. Even if he was an absolute bastard at the end, there are times when I think, 'Oh, he’d find that funny' or, 'Oh, he’d know which of this to buy and help me stop procrastinating.'"
12. "After being married for nine years without having sex, kissing, and basically nothing, I met him at the door with his clothes and met with an attorney later that week. I borrowed money for a retainer-fee from several different people and places and filed. [After the divorce] I had a lot of sex and learned so much about myself sexually. He and I had great sex when we met and got married. But after 15 years, between all of his affairs and his porn addiction, it had to end because I’m very sexual and would still have had sex every night."
13. "Overall it's going great. Sometimes I do get sad that our sex life isn't as good as when I was single, but we love each other and I deal with it. He does care about my satisfaction, so when we have sex it's generally good — he just isn't in the mood as often as I would like him to be."
14. "We've been married for nine years and together for 17. The sex has always been great (he's the best partner I've had — we have sex three times a week). But lately he's developed new kinks of wanting to see me sleep with other men, and I'm not into it. This isn't why I got married — I don't know how we're going to survive this because he's really pushing for it."
15. "Wait until y’all hit menopause. Postpartum, cramps, depression….none of it compares to the wild swing of 'THE CHANGE.' Fortunately after all these years, I just say no to sex and there are no questions, judgements, or harassing. It also helps that we’ve had 34 years of both of us orgasming during sex (yes, every time), and never feeling left out. He’s a great partner, but man — this stage of life is something else."
16. And finally, "I spent more than a decade with a man who wasn't tickling my physical pickle at all. Frankly, we didn't even fall in love (or at least I didn't), but we gave it a try anyway. We were the best of friends (and by the best, I mean THE BEST). The rapport was unreal, we were pretty much having a telepathic connection. Every aspect of a relationship maxed out, but when it came to kissing and having sex, there was absolutely nothing. I'd even go as far as to say we were so alike mentally, it felt almost...incestuous? Like, it was NOT supposed to happen. It's hard for me to describe it."
"We tried to go for it a few times literally after YEARS of being together because the thought of breaking up was just killing me, and it felt like all or nothing. But, it was all ending with me crying in secret.
To add insult to injury, I had never slept with anyone else before, and just couldn't bear the thought of not having a sex life ever.
It ultimately destroyed us. I met someone new and fell madly in love. I knew we were done the moment I felt it."
Note: Some submissions have been edited for length and/or clarity.